Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Difficult Year

There should be a hand-book, complete with how-to dvd's and survival techniques, for a creative artist's first year out of school. There should also be support groups, massage therapists, and retreats, all free and unlimited, available throughout that first year.

Here is my story of my first year out of school, I share it in hopes that it may help others, and attract positive changes for me as well.

I'd been in school since the age of two, never taking a single year off, going straight from high-school to college, then from college to grad school. The idea was that I'd have acquired a Master's Degree by the age of 24 so that I could go off and be a movie-star and best-selling author by, say, age 29.
And so, a year ago, there I was, 23 years old, holding my M.F.A., excited as hell about the life that lay ahead of me. I was trained to the core and ready to go out and work. I could finally audition for everything, without worrying about it conflicting with my school schedule. I could be in plays and start working my way into the world of television and film. I could write. I could read books that were not school-related. I could spend two months in Italy if I wanted to. I could maybe get a touring show and travel around the United States doing theatre. I could do anything! The world was full of possibilities, and I was young enough and educated enough to take advantage of all of them.

I thought my first year out of school would be really empowering, glamorous, and freeing.

But, in reality, this past year has been really difficult, depressing, unexciting, and depriving. I did audition for everything, and it turned out to be a horrible experience almost every time- I haven't been to a single pleasant audition all year! I did one play, which was free and performed outdoors (not such a great idea in New York's humid summers). I did four student films, none of which I was particularly fulfilled by, and was an extra in Oliver Stone's next film (if you think that sounds glamorous, think again. Extras are like bus-boys: necessary but unappreciated, underpaid and unhappy). I tried to be in a showcase, and it got canceled. I tried to put together a film group with some friends, and it fell apart. I tried to put up a play on my own, but then I couldn't get the rights. I submitted myself to 100 agencies, and didn't get a single call. Since I wanted to spend the year focusing on my career, I didn't take on a regular job, which means I had no salary, which made things like traveling to Europe impossible.
Without structure of any kind, my days blended into each other, and I started sleeping until noon, eating irregularly, and spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. My enthusiasm for acting started to seep out of me, and soon I found myself in a heavy cloud of sadness and defeat. The shock of going from acting, learning, and being around actors every day to the exact opposite started to settle in- and it was ugly.
By the way, that whole "you'll stay in touch with who really matters after school" thing is a lie. It's very easy to lose touch with everyone, even the people you care for, when you're not seeing them every day, and when everyone is depressed and struggling. After the first few months went by, I was only seeing my best friends maybe once every two or three weeks.
I went home to Brazil around christmas time, since I hadn't been home in a year and had to get out of New York, away from my life, before I did anything stupid or got any fatter. I was actually so depressed in New York I thought I might move back to Brazil permanently, but after two months there I realized my life was in New York and I had to get back to it. I did get better while I was away though, I got to rest, I took an acting workshop that brought me back to life, I lost some weight, ate healthy food, traveled with my mom, and, in an effort to awaken a long-sleeping closeted writer, started this blog. I returned to New York with a lot of new, restored energy. I was ready to start auditioning again and keep on trying to be an actress.

But the story repeated itself.

And now, over the past month especially, I have felt the wave of depression wear over me. It's been stronger this time, strong enough to make me really consider giving up on acting, as some previous blog posts may have given away.

I'm so scared of that thought though, that I have been trying everything I can think of to overcome it. I started the workbook "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, which is a great resource for struggling artists. I took a film-making for actors workshop and made my own little film, which really reconnected me to my deep, undying, beautiful love for acting. I started writing a play I'd been thinking about, and asked a friend to help me so that I would really do it, not just think about it. And I write here as often as inspiration hits me. I keep submitting myself for things, auditioning, hearing no's, or not hearing anything at all, and auditioning some more. I've also started looking for a paying job that might have something to do with writing. The truth is, I don't want to give up on acting, I'm just really tired of this business and scared of how it's deadening my soul- part of me thinks that maybe if I leave it now, at least I'll still preserve the part of me that still loves acting. The last thing I want is to become jaded, angry, and bitter about acting.

It's been a really hard year, and I think that anyone about to embark on their first year out of school should know just how hard it is. Maybe if I had known then I would've prepared myself a little. Painted a wall in my apartment bright pink to fight depression away. Made a schedule for myself that gave me some structure, every day, and involved physical exercise and some joy in it. Created realistic goals that I could actually achieve this year- maybe just get a call-back, instead of getting the part, or put up a reading of a play, instead of the whole play. Plan a day-trip to the beach instead of a long month-long trip to Europe.

I don't know if the year to come will be any easier, but I am hoping it will be different. Maybe I'll be a little more prepared now for the hard times. I did buy some bright colored shirts to break my all-black wardrobe, got a plant, and planned to do yoga regularly. And I've written a prayer, which I'll share here since this is one place where I connect with the world through creativity, and maybe someone else can use this prayer as well.

Dear Universe,

I ask for guidance and help with my career as an actress and writer.
May opportunities come my way, and may they feed my creative soul as well as further my career.
May I see the light and beauty in the harder times, and may I find truth in the moments of doubt.
I pray for strength, perseverance, opportunity, and joy.
I am grateful for my gifts, and I pray that I may express them to their full potential.

With love,

Larissa Dzegar

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