My "F" Word

I was at a bar a few months ago talking to a guy whom I was not interested in at all- which means we were constantly searching for topics of conversation in anything that presented itself. So when a bachelorette party invaded the bar, we were relieved to have something to stare at and talk about. At one point he asked me what I thought of the bride-to-be being covered with plastic mini-penises.
I started to reply, "well, I'm a feminist, so..."
And he interrupted me, saying, "Ooooo, the F word!"
My face must have registered confusion, because he then said, "Feminist. A Dirrrrty Word." And laughed.
I felt my insides split in two- one half was very deservedly understandably furious and wanted to yell and storm away from the ignorant little fart, and the other half wanted to be desperately charming and flirt away the bad energy so as to not give him another reason to hate feminism and, consequently, women.
I took a deep breath, smiled, and said. "Now there, hold on a second, feminism isn't really a dirty word."
He didn't seem to notice that I took the road less traveled and was trying to be polite. He very rudely said, "Oh shit- you're not gonna lecture me on that crap are you?"
I could have said half a million things at that moment, but I didn't. I walked away and, as I left the bar and walked home, my eyes filled with tears and my chest started to hurt.
I have been thinking about that night a lot, and why there's so much prejudice against the word feminism and feminists. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that the same people who fight racism and homophobia take a step back when it comes to fighting sexism.
I hear people saying feminism is dated, it's no longer relevant. I hear women saying they're not feminists because they don't hate men. I hear all sorts of people say feminism is for ugly fat lesbians who were rejected by society. I hear people say they don't know what feminism really is, let alone what it's for.
I understand the apprehension and the fear, I was not always a fan of the word- or the cause- myself. But as soon as I started educating myself about what feminism really is, I felt so closely connected to it that I suddenly felt extreme pride in calling myself a feminist and embracing feminism as one of my missions in this life. As Gloria Steinem once described it, when we start to read feminist literature and talk to women about women's issues, it's like a thin veil is lifted from our eyes. We start to wonder, Why am I repressing my needs so that my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clingy? Why do I see other women as rivals? Why am I expected to get married and raise kids but not enjoy sex with as many men or people as I wish to? Why didn't my mother have a life other than being a wife and mother? Why do I try to say things that make men think I'm cool with their behavior, even when I'm not? Why am I spending more time trying to be attractive to men than say, learning French, or reading all the books I want to read, or traveling, or doing things for me? etc.
And once that veil is lifted, we can't unknow what we know.
When I did "The Vagina Monologues" in college one of the women in the cast said, "Every woman is feminist, whether she knows it or not," - a phrase I deeply believe in now. I had a dream once about a tree that lived in my heart, and when I analyzed that tree, I found it was a beautiful metaphor for Feminism, capital F. A huge tree, with lots of branches, each one holding a different aspect of Feminism- Wisdom, Strength, Love, Courage, Equality, Sisterhood, Opportunity, Motherhood, Creative Force, Energy, Faith, and Ability to Grow.
I find that a lot of women choose a few to embrace but don't want to acknowledge the whole tree they have within them. But that tree is life, and every branch is a vein in our bodies, giving our heart what it needs to stay strong.
I love my tree, I love my "F" word. It is my stability and my power. I proudly hold it in my heart. I hope you do too.


"And she gathered all before her
And she made for them a sign to see
And lo they saw a vision
From this day forth
Like to like in all things
And then all that divided them merged
And then everywhere was
Eden once again."
-From a banner at The Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art