The snake chose my brother, in my opinion, because it matched the aggression he was mostly forced to repress. Its unpredictable, deadly nature inspires respect and fear, granting the snake a power I think my brother craved as a child. The words I would use to describe a snake are applicable when describing my brother too: powerful, musical in movement, regal, sensual, calculating, and hypnotizing.
The monkey chose my cousin because its adventurous, silly, and mischievous nature gave her a sense of freedom. A serious child with an old soul, I think the monkey came to her to provide playful relief and an outlet for child-like recklessness. I would describe a monkey as artful, sly, smart, sportive, tricky, warm, and lighthearted- adjectives fitting for my cousin as well.
The koala chose me, I think, because its warmth and love were the things I could most easily give to others, as well as what I wanted most. The clingy, pacifist, protective almost-bear is so much like me I am sure I was one in a previous life. I was very little when someone gave me a book about koalas, and though I had never seen one, I immediately fell in love. I collected every image of a koala I could find, and I had no doubt I would one day meet one in person and it would love me as much as I had loved it my whole life.
My dad had an Australian friend who once gave me a key-chain that had a tiny stuffed koala hanging from it, and you could open up its little arms and make it cling to anything. That little koala was my favorite thing in the whole world. I loved it, and I wanted to be it. I wanted to be able to hold on to people and things like that and not be told I was being too needy and greedy. That little koala's ability to clasp onto people and things resonated with me as pure love, and, because it was so very cute, it was always loved in return and allowed to stay.
When I was about 15 or 16, my family took me on a trip to Australia and New Zealand. Of all the beautiful and interesting things I saw, the moment I remember most was when we went to a place where they let us hold a koala. I knew that koalas actually didn't like to be handled, so I felt my heart break as it was passed on to people who were undeserving of its love. None of those people loved koalas like I did, and so their upsetting that gentle animal was pointless and cruel. I wouldn't have held it either, because the poor thing looked like it wasn't enjoying the activity at all, but when my turn came, I couldn't help myself. I felt like I was meeting my long lost child and an estranged parent at the same time. In the 45 seconds that I got to hold it, I gave it all the love I had inside me. I didn't care that it smelled strange and dug its claws into my arms- I was meeting a part of myself I'd only ever fantasized about, and I was elated.
When I need comfort or am going through something difficult, my favorite thing to wear is still something fuzzy and gray. When I love someone very much, I embrace them, clasp my hands onto their arms, lay my head on their chest or shoulder, close my eyes, and give them my best koala hug.
My koala-love is part of my nature, as I see it, and I can learn from it. The detached, cynical, fast-paced adult I've become needs my koala self from time to time too. When there's no one around to give me a koala's love, I have to give it to myself. We are chosen by certain animals so that we can stay in touch with the parts of ourselves we repress and with the things we crave the most. It's important to listen to them and find ways to let them live.
I will always have a lot of love for the koala- the kind of possessive, maternal, stubborn, quiet yet unrelenting love that only a koala can understand. And I will always believe I am loved in return by the koala I have within.
Image from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment