Mommy, Why is that Man Kissing Another Man?

My cousin, who has a 4-year-old daughter, recently asked me for advice on how to answer the question, "Mommy, why is that man kissing another man?" 

In light of recent achievements in the gay rights movement, such as New York State finally legalizing gay marriage, I feel I must address this topic here. 

That my cousin's daughter lives in a world where two men are now comfortable kissing each other in public is not something I take for granted. I did not grow up in such a world. I did not see two people of the same gender kissing each other until I got to college. Where I grew up, it was okay to use the word "gay" to describe variations of weak or undesirable behavior. Making fun of boys or girls who did not fit their gender's stereotypes was a normal occurrence. At best, a teacher might interfere if she or he overheard something disrespectful, but the emphasis was usually on avoiding conflict rather than raising awareness about intolerance and bigotry. My psyche still registers "relationship" as something that happens between a man and a woman, and I have to actually make an effort to expand my own allegedly open-minded awareness. 

My own parents were not exemplary in their vision and (mis)understanding of homosexuality. When my mother explained it to me, she did it the way most Catholic Brazilian mothers do: Homosexuality was an abnormality that caused a great deal of suffering and it would be a terrible, terrible thing if my brother or I turned out to be gay. My father, too, did not think twice before making offensive remarks about gay people, unknowingly sending us the message that it was okay to see them as lesser than straight people. 

During my time at Graded, my high school, I did not know any openly gay students. In health class, I was taught about birth control and STD prevention, but the subject of sexuality and sexual options  that were not heterosexual were barely touched upon. If I had ever wondered about my sexuality, I would not have had a single person I felt comfortable talking to about it. When, after I had already graduated, a close friend of mine came out while still in high school, I was astounded by her bravery. I never felt Graded, or any high school for that matter, was a safe environment for gay people. 

When I got to Sarah Lawrence, the parameters of my reality changed completely. First, I learned that homosexuality was not abnormal, disgusting, or sinful. Second, I learned that there were very serious injustices against gay people, ranging from the kind of prejudice I had been raised in, to much bigger issues, where they were legally made to believe they were not entitled to the same rights as heterosexual people. As I befriended, lived with, and loved many gay people while I was there, I saw gay rights as human rights, and I felt their outrage and pain as my own. 

I used to think that when someone used the words, “fag,” “fruit,” “dike,” or other such atrocities, that it wasn’t my place to tell them not to. I certainly didn't think it was my place to get angry at them. I didn’t give much thought to “don’t ask, don’t tell,” or to the fact that two people who loved each other could not get married if they were of the same gender. Sarah Lawrence changed me. New York changed me. I know now that not only is it my place to correct offenders and to stand up to prejudice and injustice; it is my responsibility as a human being to do so. Inaction is a form of allowance and encouragement, and that is no longer acceptable to me. 

So when my cousin asked for my advice, I told her she had a big responsibility in her hands. What she tells her daughter is just as important as what a state’s law tells its citizens. The same place where prejudice is birthed is also where it is prevented. It may be a long time before a Disney movie tells a love story between two people of the same sex, and it may be a long time before a gay person is elected president of the United States, but raising children to see homosexuality as being just as normal as heterosexuality is a battle we can win today.  

What would I tell my child? 

Love is love. It manifests in all forms, between all people. Desire is desire. It does not belong only to people of opposite sexes. Be true to yourself, and always respect others. Intolerance is a weapon of ignorance that weakens the heart and limits the mind. In this life, we must stand for something, and I stand for a world where everyone is free to love whoever they love and safe to be exactly who they are. 

Click here for a list of gay rights organizations around the world.