Crush Them Like Ants

Dear David Stern (shown here with beard which makes him extra-super-fantastic),

Crush your opponents like ants. Take everything from them as ruthlessly as possible. Destroy their souls. NBA players are barely human anyways.

Do your absolute most devilish, Mr. Stern. Don't even bother listening to anything those fancy-pantsed big market owners like Jimmy Dolan or Jerry Buss have to say. Those assholes like the system just fine the way it is. No, instead cater to your base: the small-market owners, desperately in need of serious economic reform. And do not forget your greatest ally in this fight: the most ruthless player of all time, Mr. Michael Jordan. He is the King of your hardline small market owners. Now go to him, and crush the opposition with an iron fist.

Force those players into a hard cap. Initiate a franchise tag. Remove the sign-and-trade. Restrict the living shit out of player movement of any kind. And while you're at it, take 57% of the BRI. Those players haven't made any risk investment in this league, your owners have. Take it all away from them and for the next 10 years, make them remember that they are lucky to play a game for a living and make fucking millions for it.

Destroy them, Mr. Stern. And don't forget to make your trademark belittling remarks at every turn. Also, please call our friend an idiot again. Your condescension never gets old.

Love,

Bilbo