Friends With Benefits

At some point, everyone tries it.

Two friends are attracted to each other, but neither wants to commit. Or, one of them doesn't want to commit and the other pretends they don't want to either. And so they agree on being FWB. The arrangement is usually based on the idea that there are no strings attached and no one is accountable for the other person's feelings. There are no, "Why didn't you reply to my text?" or "So do you wanna meet my mom tomorrow night?". It's supposed to be easy, safe, commitment-free, and fun.

There are two circumstances in which such an agreement usually sounds the most appealing to a woman. The first is if she is in love with someone else but can't be with that person (due to distance, unrequited love, unforgivable infidelity, death, whatever), and the second is if she is hoping that this arrangement will actually lead to a relationship, because once he hangs out with her enough times, he'll realize she's the love of his life. The latter is usually kept a secret, as any indication that this is the case can cause immediate and permanent disappearance of the male benefited friend.

A couple of light years ago, I was in love with someone I couldn't be with, and a FWB situation kind of just fell right on my lap. It seemed to work incredibly well. I didn't want him to be my boyfriend, but I was attracted to him, and he felt the same way. My heart seemed safely guarded, and I was lucky in that he was very respectful and honest. It all seemed like a very good idea. I couldn't help feeling sad and longing for someone I couldn't have, but I could do something about my loneliness. I could have a FWB.

But.... life is never quite so simple. The body tricks the heart, and the heart is way louder than the mind. After you sleep with someone enough times, you kind of start to wonder if maybe there isn't something there. I mean, there's all that chemistry and no pressure, so what would happen if we tried to date? Months had gone by- certainly if this was only meant to be a physical connection then it wouldn't have lasted this long, right? And, most importantly, he probably felt the same way and didn't know it.
Those thoughts, ladies, should be your flaming red alert to get the hell out.

(Aside: I've said them before, and I say them again. Remember Cassandra O'Keefe's words: "When a man says he's not the commitment type, run like the wind. You want to save something? Save a whale. Save the rainforest. Don't try to save a man." But it takes a long, long time for any woman to actually learn that lesson, doesn't it.)

One night, I asked him if he'd like to go out, a little more formally. He said the fateful words that no woman can bear to hear: he didn't want to ruin what we had. Even though I wasn't even all that sure that I liked him, now he had hurt my pride, and hit the nerve in me that needed to prove to him that he actually did want to date me. So I presented my argument: We had great chemistry, we had fun together, we weren't really interested in seeing other people, so why not take it a step further? Even if it didn't work out, at least we'd have tried, and surely we'd have fun along the way.

Maybe my argument touched him in some way, or maybe it was the fact that we had this conversation in our underwear, I don't know- but his response was, "You're right. Let's go for it."

And we did. We started dating, formally.

With my ego nourished, however, I was able to see that I actually didn't want to be in a relationship with him. There was something missing, or my heart just wasn't available then, and there really wasn't any point in forcing a relationship upon us. We broke up after three weeks, amicably.

Our FWB arrangement didn't really work after that either. Try as we did, we couldn't erase the fact that we had tried to commit to each other and that it just didn't work. We stayed in touch, though, and, down the road, when we both started dating other people, we were genuinely happy for each other.

I have no regrets. I think the instinct to see if there's something beyond the physical connection between two people is one we should listen to. Maybe there is something there. Even if it's only evolved for one of us, that's reason enough to change the circumstances. And if there is nothing there, it's probably time to find out. The only mistake one can make in a FWB situation, I conclude, is to ignore any feelings that come up.

By the way, if I'm ever in that situation again, I'm calling it FWBUFA.

Friends With Benefits Until Feelings Arise.


Image from here.