A Heart's Gamble

Image from here.

Eyes smile at each other and touches linger. Flirtation plants its seed and desire waters it. Between would you like another drink and you're beautiful, we kiss. Boom boom double-boom, goes my heart, and in an instant smaller than a sigh, hope is born. 

Legs interlace, noses touch, hips kiss. Grr grr grrar, goes my body, and in between this is nice and yeah there, my armor falls to the floor. 

I am nervous, he touches my cheek and torsos piece into each other, a puzzle completed.

Vulnerable and hopeful, I rest on his chest and wait for his lips to find my forehead, his heart to find mine. 

But it doesn't. 

His body goes cold. I don't want to hurt you, I'm not ready for more than this, I don't want you to have expectations, his lips say instead. 

Boom. 

In a breath of space smaller than the sigh in which it was birthed, hope is killed. Desire vanishes, hearts hide.

I turn away and quickly touch my heart. Shh, little heart, it's okay. We'll be okay. We were too quick to trust. We know how this goes. Let's pack up and go now. 

I get up from the bed, and I feel a part of me stay there. That's the gamble; a part of us is always lost. Good bye, my sweet romantic girl. 

I pick up my armor from the floor and put it back on. It is heavier now.  I feel my edges sharpen, I am older. It will be harder to take off next time...

Quote of the Day/Week- Sonia Braga

Perhaps it is a sign of the times, but the very attractive Brazilian actress Sonia
Braga, best-known in the USA for her role in the film "Kiss of the Spider Woman"
(2005), who is now 61 years old, has seen a shift in the the roles she is offered.

Braga was a sex goddess and she was romantically linked to Robert Redford. She was
also known for being in some of the most erotic movie scenes in the 1970s.

Here is her quote:

"And getting older, what's happening is, I play only mothers."

SIDEBAR: The answer to our Rabbit Ears Quiz on the animated version of "Godzilla" is A.

Obscene Photos Found in Myrtle Beach Hotel

WMBF: One Myrtle Beach hotel found itself covered with obscene photos Friday morning and no known suspects.

At approximately 9 a.m. Friday morning, Myrtle Beach Police responded to a hotel on South Ocean Boulevard to find pornographic and obscene materials that had been placed in the common areas.

According to a police report, security at the resort had begun to find these materials beginning at 10 p.m. Thursday night in various locations throughout the building, including door frames, elevator doors and stairwells. The photos were collected by security and turned in to Myrtle Beach Police.

The photos collected were found in areas of the hotel not under the surveillance of video cameras, and appeared to be removed from an old photo album. The police report stated that the photos were old polaroids, possibly taken in the early 70s of adults engaged in "various sexual acts."

Anyone with information about this incident should contact Myrtle Beach Police.

DSK Hotel Scandal Being Made Into Porn Flick

The Local: The scandal surrounding the former IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn is to be turned into a porn film, with the producers asking members of the public to help fund the project.

The film, with the working title “DXK”, is to be produced by the company My Porn Production and will star Roberto Malone as the lead character “David Sex King.” Porn star Sandra Romain will play his wife and Katia De Lys will portray the hotel maid.

The production company’s website has called on members of the public to help fund the film’s €200,000 production. A minimum of €50 will secure their names in the credits and an invitation to the premiere.

According to the producers, the film will be a “parody” of the scandal that saw Strauss-Kahn accused of sexually assaulting Nafissatou Diallo, a Guinean hotel maid, while she was working at a New York hotel.

The US prosecutors dropped the case at the end of August, because of doubts about Diallo’s credibility. The scandal dashed Strauss-Kahn’s hopes of becoming the Socialist Party’s challenger to President Nicolas Sarkozy in next year’s election.

Strauss-Kahn is still facing a US civil suit brought against him by Diallo. Meanwhile, prosecutors in France halted an investigation into claims that he sexually assaulted French writer Tristane Banon in 2003 because the statute of limitations had expired.

The former IMF director is also caught up in another sex scandal, this time involving prostitutes allegedly procured by the management of the luxury Carlton hotel in Lille.

Traveler Receives Personal Message from TSA

NY Daily News: What a creepster!

A New York woman claims that a skeevy TSA agent left a TSA slip in her luggage with a note reading: "Get your freak on Girl" after he found a "personal item" in her suitcase.

Jill Filipovic, the editor of the website Feministe, told the Daily News in an email that she flew from Newark International to Dublin to take part in a debate on abortion rights and found the note while she was unpacking in Ireland.

Filipovic said she just took it in stride.

"I'm traveling alone, so I didn't say anything when I found the note, but I did re-read it a bunch of times just to make sure I wasn't imagining things, and then I started laughing," she wrote.

She then threw it up on Twitter and her website (under the subject line: Your tax dollars at work) to share with all of her friends and loyal followers - who also found the incident to be nothing but hilarious.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHA," wrote one. "Pause to wipe tears from face."

Other readers offered to send her a replacement vibrator, while a conservative blogger accused her of planting the note herself, she said.

"I wish I was that creative!" she wrote.

Despite the humor, Filipovic said she found the incident to be incredibly invasive - and incredibly creepy.

"To the agent who wrote the note, I'd like to say that he has actually impeded me from getting my freak on, since I now have to dispose of the offending item, as I'm not sure what he did with it while it was in his possession," she wrote.

She also called the incident "wildly inappropriate". She said she suspected the note-writer thought she's be too embarrassed to go public.

"That probably would be true for most folks, and understandably so. Unfortunately, he picked the bag of a feminist blogger who writes about sexuality and sexual health regularly, and is awfully hard to embarrass (at least in that regard)."

She said she would most likely contact the TSA when she returned stateside. The TSA told the News it was investigating.

"TSA takes all allegations of inappropriate conduct seriously and is investigating this claim," a spokeswoman said in a statement.

Canadian Flight Attendants Featured in 2012 Calendar

Jaunted: And just like that, fall has arrived. And just like that, it's about time to consider buying 2012 calendars. This year, may we suggest skipping the bookstores for something you definitely won't find there: The Turbulence Calendar of Canadian Flight Attendants.

You read right—this calendar is only featuring ladies who end their sentences with "eh?" and like to start the day at Tim Horton's. The calendar shoot recently took place in a cheap motel, to give the ladies that layover-chic look, we guess. There's no preview shots aside from the awkward one above, and the saucy background photo of their website.

The calendar won't hit the e-shelves until November and there's a few promo events where you can meet the models (and get their signatures, of course). Now we only wonder what lucky airline will get to honor of being Miss July.

Female Airline Passenger Drank Whiskey & Demanded Sex

Katherine Goldberg

 The Telegraph: Katherine Goldberg, who works in education, was on a flight from South Africa to Heathrow when she drunkenly assaulted the crew member by grabbing his penis, it was claimed.

She consumed the whisky on the August flight when the assault happened, Uxbridge Magistrates Court was told.

Stella Waata, prosecuting, said: "The circumstances are that Miss Goldberg was on a flight from South Africa to Heathrow and she was drunk whilst on the airplane.

"She proceeded to sexually assault one of the crew members by demanding to have sex with him and grabbing his penis and crotch area. She was believed to have drunk at least 50 centilitres of whisky."

She added: "I understand what representations are to be made in relation to the charge of sexual assault."

Ms Goldberg's lawyer applied to adjourn the case to make representations in relation to the charge of sexual assault and asked that Ms Goldberg receive a caution.

Mr Brennan said: "The purpose of my application is so that we can raise our representations with the Crown. I wish to raise representations in relation to one of the charges, that matters are dealt with by way of a caution rather than continuing with the court proceedings. It is a serious allegation but there are good reasons why it would be in the public interest for the Crown to deal with her by way of a caution."

"I have told the court that admissions were made in interview and if matters are not deal with by way of a caution there will be a plea of guilty at the next occasion. She was charged immediately, without any representation being able to be made to the CPS as to whether diversions would be appropriate."

Agreeing to the adjournment, Miss Waata said: "I understand what representations are to be made in relation to the charge of sexual assault. Given the circumstances, I understand Miss Goldberg works in education, a short adjournment of one week would not be disagreeable."

Miss Goldberg, of Ealing Common, west London, is charged with one count of sexual assault on a male and another of being drunk in an aircraft.

Wearing a white shirt and light pink trousers and appearing tearful in the dock, she spoke only to confirm her name, address and date of birth and was granted unconditional bail until her next appearance at the same court on 22 September.

Soccer Fans Watch Couple Score in Hotel Room



Model Alicia Tenderness

 UPI: A woman spotted having sex in a hotel room overlooking a Belgian stadium during a soccer match said she and her beau had thought the windows were tinted.

The woman, who identified herself by her stage name, Alicia Tenderness, 26, said she and her boyfriend did not realize soccer fans could see into their stadium hotel room during Saturday's Lokeren game in Sint-Truiden, the Dutch-language Sportwereld reported Monday.

Tenderness, a model and escort, said she and her boyfriend were shocked to see their picture in newspapers and on the Internet the following day.

"When checking out on Sunday morning the lady at the desk responded very cold, but we did not understand why. The realization came when we read the newspaper Monday," Tenderness said.

She expressed outrage that the hotel manager had filed an indecency complaint against her. She said the manager should have installed tinted windows in the rooms.

Thailand Seeks to Shed 'Sex Tourism' Slur

DaijiWorld: Arguably called the sex tourism capital of the world, Thailand is now deliberately using the family tourism tag to shed the sex destination tag, Tomwit Jarnson, the Royal Thai country consul general in Mumbai has said here.

Jarnson told IANS on the sidelines of an event organised Friday to promote Thailand as a tourism destination that family tourism would eventually edge Thailand away from the slur of 'sex tourism' in the years to come.

"We are trying to project Thailand as a family tourism destination. We are slowly changing the perception of Thailand to the rest of the world," Jarnson said.

He said the Thai food and dance festival in Goa, in association with the Vivanta by Taj hotels and resorts, was just such an attempt to project Thailand as a place steeped in culture, which is quite similar to the culture of the Indian sub-continent and tradition and a rich and diverse culinary palette.

"Destination Thailand is an annual event organised by us which helps us reach out to the people of India through our food, music and dance," Jarnson said.

"We are very happy to have the festival in Goa this year where the people of this city will experience the unique characteristics and rich cultural heritage which our country has to offer," he added.

"We are slowly developing facilities in Thailand which will attract family tourism. We have a lot of Indian families who travel to Thailand," Jarnson said.

He said the Thailand tourism authorities were trying to project Phuket - which along with Bangkok and Pattaya are regarded as the prime sex tourism areas in Thailand - as a family tourism destination.

Although banned by law, prostitution is common place in the tourism districts of Thailand, which see nearly 14 million tourists annually, a large chunk of which are single males or male groups of tourists seeking sex or sex-oriented fun.

A recent World Health Organisation (WHO) report has pegged the number of female prostitutes at two lakh.

Cockpit Sex Scandal Derails Cathay Pacific Ad Campaign

International Business Times: Cathay Pacific has postponed the second phase of the company's high-profile international advertising campaign after a sex scandal involving photographs of crew members allegedly engaging in sexual acts circulated online and in Chinese-language newspapers.

Photographs were posted on the Internet showing a woman in a red outfit (right) resembling airline crew uniforms performing sexual acts on a man on board an airplane. The man was supposedly the woman's boyfriend. The photos, depicting a pilot and a flight attendant, have received a flood Internet traffic and attention from Hong Kong to abroad.

Cathay Pacific's campaign was to feature advertisements showing personalities of the airline's crew in a personal-touch promotion, highlighting employees with bios and actual photographs in uniform. But the company has postponed the ad campaign in light of the Internet sex scandal.

The airline had success with the initial phase of its campaign, which made mini-celebrities of attractive flight attendants whose images were used in TV ads, publications and billboards worldwide, according to the South China Morning Post. The campaign featured 100 Cathay Pacific staff members.

But the photographs and scandal on the Internet caused a different type of mini-celebrity buzz that Cathay Pacific wants no part of.

Company chief executive John Slosar said in a statement that two members of the crew were "shown in compromising situations" in photographs but that those crew members are "no longer employees of the company." Slosar said there's no evidence that indecent sex acts happened in-flight.

Cathay Pacific is a service-based airline that boasts a five-start Skytrax rating. The airline caters to business travelers flying in and out of Hong Kong, the Asian financial center. But despite the success of the initial campaign, the company felt holding back was the best course of action in light of the Internet sex scandal.

The campaign's slogan was to be: "Meet the team who go after the extra mile to make you feel special."

"Let me be crystal clear about one thing," Slosar said in a statement about the scandal. "I find any behavior that recklessly soils the reputation of our company and our team members as totally unacceptable."

The second installment of the ad campaign was scheduled to roll out Sept. 1, but now it will be postponed until Oct. 1 because the company said "the original timing doesn't suit us," a company spokesman said.

Sex Advice Video Available on Quantas Flights

Daily Mail: Want to know more - or anything - about the female orgasm? Then just sit back in your Qantas seat, flick on the in-flight entertainment programme and it is all there.

A documentary, The Female Orgasm Explained, that was first run on an Australian TV network has raised eyebrows among the Australian airline's economy passengers. With excerpts from old porn films, it features graphics and sounds that are likely to make conservative commuters squirm and reach for the comedy channel.

The French-made film has been included in the airline's in-flight entertainment programme on its international flights to help viewers 'understand the intricacies of the female orgasm,' said a spokesman. And while it has resulted in some passengers changing to other shows, Qantas spokesman Luke Enright said the programme was the most popular on its TV channel and would continue to be screened until November.

'A programme synopsis is provided in the in-flight entertainment guide and the channel carries a warning that some of the content is not suitable for children,' said Mr Enright.

The film also carries a Mature Adults rating and the crew are able to block the film if it is available at a seat occupied by unaccompanied minors at the request of parents. While many passengers have switched on, sociology experts have raised concerns about it being available on an airline.

Dr Michael Flood, a sociologist at the University of Wollongong, south of Sydney, said airing the documentary in a public domain was 'fascinating but problematic.'

He told Sydney's Daily Telegraph that it was great if children and young people could learn about sexual pleasure 'because most children are only taught about the biology of sex. But I don't think this documentary is 'age appropriate' and it's not designed as a sexual education tool.'

'There's a growing sexuality in our culture and perhaps it reflects how sexual material is being made increasingly available.'

This and That- Apparently Smart People Have Intimacy Issues

I was thumbing through the current issue of "Psychology Today" this afternoon in a public library when this article caught my attention. The headline read something like: "Why Smart People Have Less Sex."

I did not take any notes from the article, but my assumption is that if a guy is reading Leo Tolstoy's "War and Peace" in its entirety, well yes, it might well take precendent over other things.

The article did mention (I believe) that if men make more money, they are more likely to have more sex. I did not see any mention in the article of how income levels affected women's sex lives.

But, I found out tonight, that this matter has been discussed for a while. In a Sept. 2008, a blogger from Palo Alto, Calif., where Stanford- a smart school-is siad that a recent test had found that teenagers with low iqs in the 100 range were up to five times more likely to be sexually actually than teens with high iqs in the 1200-1300 range.

The blogger later mentioned that only 56 percent of undergrads at Priceton University were having sex while only 65 percent of MIT grads had found time to make love and presumably kick butt on their final exams.

All of this could be argued though I suppose, as everything these days seems to be argued irregardless if it is from the ACLU or the Tea Party (editorial comment: we prefer the ACLU). And, there is the case of Karen Owen, a Duke University student who made a Powerpoint presentation on her thesis in 2010 about her college romps which included having sex with 13 male Blue Devils athletes, most of whom were reportedly lacrosse players. Maybe, those guys weren't reading Tolstoy.

Report: Strauss-Kahn Refused to Pay for Sex

New York Post: She had dollar signs in her eyes.

Before she ever walked into Dominique Strauss-Kahn's dazzling suite at the Sofitel, his accuser was well aware of his VIP status -- and planning to get her hands in his deep pockets, sources told The Post.

"She figured he's a rich dude, and she would get paid," said a source close to the defense investigation. "She was told by the crew she ran with that this was a gold mine."

The maid, who routinely traded sex for money with male guests, parked her cleaning cart outside Suite 2806 on the morning of May 14 and keyed her way into the room -- knowing what he looked like from a photo hanging in a maid closet that identified him as an important guest.

Multiple versions have emerged of what happened next, but nobody disputes that the 32-year-old maid performed oral sex on the Frenchman known as "the Great Seducer." Sources now tell The Post that when the two were finished, the woman demanded cash from Strauss-Kahn -- but he refused to pay.

“There was an expectation of money after the fact, but he was dismissive," the source said. And not gently, the source said -- DSK brushed off the maid's request as he turned his back and got dressed.

She pressed her case.

"She remained in the room with him while he got dressed for at least nine minutes," the source said. The humiliating exchange sparked the maid's anger, prosecutors suspect.

The woman's lawyer has charged that DSK angrily grabbed her breast and vagina, leaving her with bruises to the groin area. The fight also apparently prompted DSK to bolt the Sofitel in such a hurry that he left behind a cellphone.

Unraveling the explosive events became more complicated with the accuser's varying versions of what happened both in the hotel suite and afterward, prosecutors say. In the hours following the incident, she told cops Strauss-Kahn chased her, grabbed her, locked the suite's door and then dragged her into a bedroom to force her to perform oral sex.

She claimed she broke free only to be dragged into a bathroom to complete the sexual encounter -- and that at one point Strauss-Kahn tried to pull off her pantyhose and rape her. She also claimed she didn't know who her alleged attacker was.

"She didn't know who Dominique Strauss-Kahn was at the time of the incident. I was the one who explained to her," a relative told AFP. Yet within a day, the maid was recorded speaking on the phone with a jailed drug dealer, reportedly crowing about a potential windfall if she pursued charges.

Her lies then caught up with her.

"In the weeks following the incident charged in the indictment, the complainant told detectives and assistant district attorneys on numerous occasions that, after being sexually assaulted . . . she fled to an area of the main hallway of the hotel's 28th floor and waited there until she observed the defendant . . . entering an elevator," reads a letter from prosecutors.

She said she then alerted her supervisor and waited for him. She repeated this version to cops and a grand jury -- but finally admitted she later cleaned a nearby room and DSK's suite before reporting the incident to her supervisor.

The DA's case has fallen into turmoil, and DSK was freed of his strict bail conditions. "The investigation is continuing. It may lead to dismissal. It may not," a senior prosecutor involved in the case said yesterday, adding the DA's Office has not decided whether to go forward with the case.

DSK enjoyed his newfound freedom yesterday by leaving his swanky TriBeCa town house at 3 p.m. in one of a small fleet of limos. After a brief stop at the TimeWarner Center in Columbus Circle, he and wife Anne Sinclair went to the Museum of Modern Art, dining in the fifth-floor café that overlooks a lush garden, workers said. They were back home at around 5:30 p.m.

"He looked extremely happy -- he's free," said one museum worker.

At the Sofitel, one worker was mystified by the sullied maid's web of sex and lies, and doubted others would ever follow suit. "Why would they risk that?" he said.

Travelodge: Future Hotel Rooms to Facilitate Virtual Sex

Travel Mole: So now we know. Travelodge has unveiled what the hotel room of the future looks like and it involves virtual love making, checking your emails via contact lenses as you drift off and learning stuff in your sleep.

The budget hotel chain has hired renowned futurologist Ian Pearson to come up with what the typical hotel room might look like in 2030 and the answer is one that uses technology to monitor your energy levels, health, moods and emotions to help you get a better night's kip.

Travelodge said Pearson's six month study showed that a good night's sleep in a hotel room in the future will provide recreation, learning and medical monitoring.

To quote the report: "By 2030 we will be able to manage the contents of our dreams as in the movie Inception. Video, audio, smells and tactile experiences produced using our bed or bed linen will play a key role in helping to make our dreams feel real.

“We will be able to replay our favourite dream from a menu just like choosing a movie. Also, we will be link into dreams with our partner or family and friends and enjoy a shared dream experience."

It goes on: "The dream management system will also act as a coach, offering the opportunity to study or even learn a new language whilst asleep.

“Remote virtual love making will be possible by 2030, allowing individuals to connect with their partner whilst away from home. Couples will also be able to benefit from the ability to link peripheral nervous systems via active skin electronics together for enhanced love making. This will enable both individuals to experience each other’s feelings and emotions.

"Also, by wearing active lenses to change the image delivered to their retinas, individuals will be able to adjust how their partner looks whilst making love. This will enable people to change the image of their partner on a regular basis, and only they will be aware as their lover will not be able to tell what they are looking at.”

Pearson predicts that by 2030 it will be possible to diagnose some medical conditions by monitoring sleep patterns whilst sleepwear will have electro-responsive fabrics that will aid measurement of skin conductivity, indicating stress or relaxation states, pulse, blood pressure and quality of heart signals.

He says active contact lenses delivering 3D images will allow those drifting off to sleep to watch TV or check emails.

Said Pearson: “On average we spend a third of our lives asleep and this will still be the case in 2030. Technology will not change our basic need to slumber but it will certainly enhance the experience, enabling sleep to have much greater value than merely rest and recuperation."

He sees augmented reality (Google it) enabling any surfaces in a hotel room to act as displays which can offer up TV shows, paintings, pictures of loved ones or photos of the guest's bedroom at home.

Meanwhile outdoor noises such as the sound of the sea or a forest can enter the room via a flat panel audio built into the window and this can be heightened by air con or heating which can match those sounds to the appropriate temperature.

What's more, soft surfaces such as fabrics will interact in tactile ways to produce scents, change colours and pick up signals from the skin. Guests will be able to instantly change the colour, pattern and texture of their room furnishings.

Pearson also foresees 360 degree mirrors to allow views from all angles, the ability to see local tourist attractions remotely from your room and the chance to shop without leaving your room via a store's interior being replicated on the walls.

Pearson added: "Hotels in 2030 will offer customers a bespoke room and experience on every visit. Lonely business travellers will be able to turn their hotel room into their bedroom at home and with augmented and virtual reality, they can even share the experience with their partner anywhere in the world. Leisure travellers will be able to bring their favourite sights, sounds and smells into their hotel room for the ultimate stay.”

Quote of the Week- Jean Paul Sartre

While putting this piece together, I was struck by the irony that my late Turkish father and the late French Marxist philosopher Jean Paul Sartre (1905-1980) both enjoyed smoking pipes even though my father was a bit of a right-wing Turkish nationalist!

Sartre, who was also among the leading atheist intellectuals in France, is known for his widely-read short story collection "Le Mur/The Road" (1938) and his philosophy collection "Being and Nothingness" (1943).

I found a copy of a book called "Sartre for Beginners" (1998), written by Philip Thordy and Howard Reed and published by Icon Books, at the Internationalist Bookstore in Chapel Hill, NC.

Icon Books recently published a book by English author Kate Munro called "The First Time" about modern sexuality, which also sounds like an interesting read.

Due to time constraints are quote today is going to be extremely short; we are planning to have quotes from many French people past and present in July. This entry is part of our month-long series on quotes from left-wing, radical figures. Here is the quip from Sartre:

"Hell is other people."

SIDEBAR: While I was trying to put this entry together at the Wilson, NC, public library (not really where I am at!), a group of children came through the doors and they really annoyed me. As the late American comic actor W.C. Fields once said: "No one qho hate dogs and children can be all that bad."

I don't dislike children as individuals, but when there are large groups of them, they get on my last nerve, which is perhaps why it is a good thing that I am not a father.

But, I found this interesting disclosure from someone who did not give their name or hometown on myworstsecret.com who professes an even more profound distaste for children than I do. This person and I are probably very different in other aspects of life, which I will go into after showing what he or she said:

"I hate children. I really do. Oddly enough, I'm pro-life and have a 2 year old. I don't want kids to DIE, I just can't stand them."

Personally, I am a moderate liberal (though I love to quote socialists; it must come from being surrounded by Yosemite Sam Republicans) and I am pro-choice. Also, I would not use the word hate for how I feel about children, but in groups of two or more, they do tend to profoundly annoy me!

Ironically, I had a post on this blog for Children's Day in Turkey, which is on April 23rd....

No More Orgies at Chelsea Hotel

New York Post: Notorious "orgy" organizer Palagia has been banned from throwing her monthly sex bashes at the Chelsea Hotel.

After throwing wild parties at the iconic location for 11 years -- allegedly attended by actors, musicians and TV personalities, as well as some hotel residents -- the 37-year-old Greek Madonna look-alike was notified her reservation was canceled just hours before her April 30 bash "due to liability." Hotel manager Arnold Tamasar told Palagia in an e-mail obtained by Page Six: "We would advise not to book any reservations under your name or alias . . . We are not honoring your reservation for today or future."

Palagia's rep blamed the ban on an impending change in ownership of the hotel. It's allegedly in contract for $80 million, but the buyer remains a mystery. "Managers used to come to the party," her rep told us. "That's the saddest part because her parties are legendary. The Chelsea is her favorite location."

Palagia was out of the country and couldn't be reached.

Friends With Benefits

At some point, everyone tries it.

Two friends are attracted to each other, but neither wants to commit. Or, one of them doesn't want to commit and the other pretends they don't want to either. And so they agree on being FWB. The arrangement is usually based on the idea that there are no strings attached and no one is accountable for the other person's feelings. There are no, "Why didn't you reply to my text?" or "So do you wanna meet my mom tomorrow night?". It's supposed to be easy, safe, commitment-free, and fun.

There are two circumstances in which such an agreement usually sounds the most appealing to a woman. The first is if she is in love with someone else but can't be with that person (due to distance, unrequited love, unforgivable infidelity, death, whatever), and the second is if she is hoping that this arrangement will actually lead to a relationship, because once he hangs out with her enough times, he'll realize she's the love of his life. The latter is usually kept a secret, as any indication that this is the case can cause immediate and permanent disappearance of the male benefited friend.

A couple of light years ago, I was in love with someone I couldn't be with, and a FWB situation kind of just fell right on my lap. It seemed to work incredibly well. I didn't want him to be my boyfriend, but I was attracted to him, and he felt the same way. My heart seemed safely guarded, and I was lucky in that he was very respectful and honest. It all seemed like a very good idea. I couldn't help feeling sad and longing for someone I couldn't have, but I could do something about my loneliness. I could have a FWB.

But.... life is never quite so simple. The body tricks the heart, and the heart is way louder than the mind. After you sleep with someone enough times, you kind of start to wonder if maybe there isn't something there. I mean, there's all that chemistry and no pressure, so what would happen if we tried to date? Months had gone by- certainly if this was only meant to be a physical connection then it wouldn't have lasted this long, right? And, most importantly, he probably felt the same way and didn't know it.
Those thoughts, ladies, should be your flaming red alert to get the hell out.

(Aside: I've said them before, and I say them again. Remember Cassandra O'Keefe's words: "When a man says he's not the commitment type, run like the wind. You want to save something? Save a whale. Save the rainforest. Don't try to save a man." But it takes a long, long time for any woman to actually learn that lesson, doesn't it.)

One night, I asked him if he'd like to go out, a little more formally. He said the fateful words that no woman can bear to hear: he didn't want to ruin what we had. Even though I wasn't even all that sure that I liked him, now he had hurt my pride, and hit the nerve in me that needed to prove to him that he actually did want to date me. So I presented my argument: We had great chemistry, we had fun together, we weren't really interested in seeing other people, so why not take it a step further? Even if it didn't work out, at least we'd have tried, and surely we'd have fun along the way.

Maybe my argument touched him in some way, or maybe it was the fact that we had this conversation in our underwear, I don't know- but his response was, "You're right. Let's go for it."

And we did. We started dating, formally.

With my ego nourished, however, I was able to see that I actually didn't want to be in a relationship with him. There was something missing, or my heart just wasn't available then, and there really wasn't any point in forcing a relationship upon us. We broke up after three weeks, amicably.

Our FWB arrangement didn't really work after that either. Try as we did, we couldn't erase the fact that we had tried to commit to each other and that it just didn't work. We stayed in touch, though, and, down the road, when we both started dating other people, we were genuinely happy for each other.

I have no regrets. I think the instinct to see if there's something beyond the physical connection between two people is one we should listen to. Maybe there is something there. Even if it's only evolved for one of us, that's reason enough to change the circumstances. And if there is nothing there, it's probably time to find out. The only mistake one can make in a FWB situation, I conclude, is to ignore any feelings that come up.

By the way, if I'm ever in that situation again, I'm calling it FWBUFA.

Friends With Benefits Until Feelings Arise.


Image from here.

Compartmentalizing Women: Response to Wombat

As I read Wombat's post today, "Never Look a Gift Babe in the Brain," I got really really angry. As he relaid how men compartmentalize women, I felt my stomach turn. Although I know he probably meant it much more lightly than I took it, I found it unsettling and offensive. Here's my response.

I've heard people say, "Compartmentalizing is just what men do. It's how their brains work."

Well. I think compartmentalizing women is not only sexist, it's cowardly. Especially in this day and age. If you keep a woman in one compartment- say, the "not a girl you bring home to mom" compartment, then you absolve yourself of the responsibility you have over her feelings. If you established that this is "just" about sex (I'm still trying to figure out what about sex is so "just"-y, but okay, that's not the point right now), then you're off the hook- if she develops feelings it's her fault and she has no right to hold you accountable for them. How convenient! And if you're with a woman who is "girlfriend-material", well then she better live up to those expectations, always. If she does something that's "un-girlfriend-material"- say, fantasize about being a naughty nurse or wear a skirt that's too short for someone who's in a relationship to be out wearing- then you get confused and start wondering if you really love her.

I have touched on how limiting it is for women to be compartmentalized in my post "Sexuality of a Woman." But I'll say it again: Compartmentalizing women is an ILLUSION. That woman at the bar who's wearing a skimpy dress and goes home with you on the first night- believe it or not- that woman still wants to be loved. And that woman you can imagine being the mother of your children- that woman still wants to be fucked. And both women are capable of playing each others roles. We choose- or shift instinctively- who we want to be for the different men we meet, usually based on who they let us be. We either put on the "good girl" act or we unleash the "bad girl". We rarely let both co-exist because we know that men compartmentalize us. (Not all men, and not all the time- I am aware I am speaking in general terms here- but I'm responding to a particular train of thought.)

Men and women have brought up that women also compartmentalize men. "He's a jerk, I don't wanna date him." or "He's dating material." To which I say, guilty as charged. We absolutely do that. The difference is that the guy who sleeps around does not usually want to be seen as "dating material" or wish to fit into that category in any shape, way, or form, whereas the woman who sleeps around is rarely happy to remain in that category forever. Even Samantha in Sex and The City settled down with someone in the end, and it was always pretty clear that her rejection of intimacy was the survival technique of woman who had been hurt too many times and couldn't come to terms with denying her sexual self in order to be seen as datable. There doesn't seem to be a male counterpart who struggles with these things in the same way. Similarly, even when women compartmentalize, it is mostly a defense mechanism against being compartmentalized first.

Categorize women and you are limiting who we are.

Let us be ourselves, all of ourselves, and we will grow.

And I bet you, too, will feel much more like yourself, encounter a new sense of empowerment, and find much deeper happiness and pleasure.

Sounds like a good deal to me. Why don't you try it out?

Sexuality of a Woman

Gandhi wisely said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
For someone who loves arguing as much as I do, it is not always so simple to follow his advice. Although I choose my battles as carefully as I can, there are some things that I can't just sit back and watch or listen to- I feel an immediate overpowering desire to fight it. One of those things is the repression of women's sexuality. As soon as I hear the words- usually coming from a man, but you'd be surprised how often they come from women- "There are two types of women in the world, the ones you marry, and the ones you fuck," or, "A woman who sleeps with a man too quickly is a slut who has no self-respect," I can feel the blood rush up to my head.
I'm in Brazil right now, where, in my opinion, this happens much more often- but maybe people just say it out loud more often, who knows, and last night I went out to dinner with some friends, among them an ex-boyfriend, and a huge discussion regarding this topic exploded. The aforementioned statements were presented as truths and, although the men at the table agreed that it was a cultural imposition of a sexist nature, they still believed in them. It did not end well, and I was very upset by it.

I wish the sex education I received in my life had told me that I would enjoy sex. That I would enjoy it a lot. That I SHOULD enjoy it, and that if I didn't, I should figure out what was missing, I should get to know myself sexually. Although sometimes in magazines I would read about how masturbating was healthy and sex (safe safe safe sex) was wonderful, that information paled in comparison to how rigorously I was taught that I needed to worry about pregnancy and STD's even before I took my clothes off with a guy, that I had to make absolute certain he was the right guy, the perfect guy, and that I shouldn't ever ever be too "easy". The equation was simple- if I turned into one of those girls who was "easy", I would never have a boyfriend again, I would not have many girlfriends, my parents would disown me, I would get pregnant and maybe even die.

So here's what happened. I turned 13 and started going to parties and kissing boys in dark corners, and it felt so good, I mean it felt so so good, that I found myself terribly, tragically confused. I was suddenly having thoughts like, "I hope he touches my boobs," and then when the boy tried I knew I had to slap his hands away and scold him otherwise I would be labeled a slut. I did my best, I did my very best, to be a good girl. To be the kind of girl guys want to marry. But it didn't make any sense, it felt like a complete lie, and I was secretly terrified they would find out how, in my head and when I was alone, I was not a good girl at all.
At 16, I met the guy I mentioned earlier (whom I had a huge discussion with last night- go figure), and he full-heartedly believed I was a good girl. He became my first serious boyfriend, and I figured he was the right guy to lose my virginity to. I played the part of the good girl to an exhausting extent- making sure to set limits in our sexual progression so that he wouldn't lose interest in me. At 17 I lost my virginity to this boyfriend who loved the good girl I had projected. The people I told seemed to approve. No one asked me if I was having orgasms, if I was enjoying the sex, if I was in love with him, if I felt good about it. They asked me if I was being safe and told me it was a good choice, he was the right guy to do it with.
The next phase came in college, when I tried to reject the good girl mask as much as possible. I was living in the U.S. now and attending Sarah Lawrence, so it was easier- maybe, again, who knows. But something wasn't right. I didn't want to treat men like they were disposable and I didn't want to be treated like I was disposable. I wondered why a guy thought he didn't have to respect me because he was "just" having sex with me. I was still confused, but felt a little less repressed than I did as a teenager in Brazil.
Then I started a fling with a wonderful man who seemed to get it (he was raised by a feminist and went to Sarah Lawrence after all); there are not two types of women. Every woman wants to fuck and every woman wants to get married! It was a gift. Through his understanding of women and sexuality, I started to understand myself as a woman and my own sexuality. Although we were monogamous, we were causal. And although we were causal, we were respectful. I could explore my sexuality with him without him ever disrespecting me or for a moment thinking I was not "worthy of marriage". He came into my life at the right time, and when he left, I met another man and I fell in love. Things got confusing again, because although I was in love with him, he and I never made love, and although he was much older than the other guy, he was way inferior in bed.
But that's just part of life. I see now that what I had to learn from him had nothing to do with sex. I would, later on, experience making love with someone I was in love with, and would learn that people in love can also fuck like pornstars and still want to spend the rest of their lives together afterwards. I met several more men who "got it" and treated me with the respect I demanded and deserved, whether we were in a relationship or not, while allowing me to be as sexual and impulsive as I wanted to be. I am always grateful to the universe for sending me these men.
But there are still a lot of men, and women, who don't get it. Last night I couldn't help myself and I tried, in vain I think, to shift the consciousness I was dealing with. I know that it's not up to me to change people, though, and I can only hope that one day life will teach them that repressing a woman's sexuality serves no one. Women can not be categorized. Women may be complicated, but in this area I present you the simplest equation, the "... us" equation:
Love us, Free us, Hold us, Fuck us, Need us, Marry us, Make Love to us and, above all, Respect us.