Emma: Pembry...
Pembry: What?
Emma: It is about fantasy football...
Pembry: I told you, I stopped caring about fantasy football.
Emma: Yeah but... well you should just see this.
/Emma shows Pembry photo
Pembry: THAT WIFE-FUCKING BACK-STABBING BASTARD. AND THAT NO GOOD CHEATING MOP!
/Pembry storms into Ashley's suite
Pembry: YOU WHORE!
Ashley: Oh don't you even start mister!
Pembry: What the fuck are you doing with that boringly overage hick?
Ashley: Why are you spending all your time with that home wrecker Emma? And why aren't we in skits anymore? I am your wife! She is your fact checker! We are supposed to be in skits. You rarely do them at all and when you do we aren't in them.
Pembry: News flash! You stopped being relevant and she started being 18. No one cares about either of you!
Ashley: That hurts Pemby!
Pembry: PembRy. With a goddamn R! Whatever whore, I don't even care enough to hobble you!
/Pembry storms out and heads to 5head fetish fantasy football corporation
Pembry: Gentleman! I am back. Who did I put in charge here while I was gone?
Jerry: Me sir.
Pembry: Well GTFO! I am back in charge. OK, who is my QB? Peyton? Devil Eyes?
(door flies open...)
Permbry: Wipe that goddamn smirk off your face! You are terrible this year. And you are making V-Jax worthless. If I didn't respect you so goddamn much for being such an arrogant obnoxious hot-headed asshole, I'd probably bench you. Not GTFO. MoJo?
(door flies open...)
Pembry: You tiny little bastard, if I wanted a RB worth 9 points every week i would have drafted S Jax. Now GTFO! Chris Johnson?
(door flies open...)
/Pembry gets tear in eye
Pembry: He's my Running-back Pa, I'll shoot him.
/Pembry takes Chris Johnson behind shed and shoots him
Pembry: The rest of you?
(door flies open...)
Pembry: I have no idea who any of you are. GTFO! Now go win this week. We gotta make the playoffs and crush that asshole Gap for fucking my wife. Now what's our record? I assume we are in first? Tied for first?
/Pembry sees record
Pembry: Oh damn! Good luck with all that.
/Pembry hands clipboard back to Jerry and skulks away
Pembry: Plan B I guess.
Ashley: Pembry, I will never cheat on you again, I swear!
Pembry: I know that you won’t, dear.
/cue Moonlight Sonata
Pembry: Ashley, do you know about the early days at the beNNate diamond mines?
Ashley: Pembry, what are you talking about? Why are you wearing that dress?
Pembry: Do you know what they did to the native workers who stole diamonds?
Ashley: Pembry… you already did this in a skit. Almost word for word!
Pembry: Don't worry. They didn't kill them. That would be like junking a Mercedes just because it had a broken spring.
Ashley: Pembry, turn off that music. You are creeping me out… at least do something different. This is lazy. This is basically the skit version of The Hangover 2...
Pembry: No, they had to make sure they could go on working, but they also had to make sure they could never run away. The operation was called "hobbling”.
Ashley: Pembry... whatever you're thinking about doing, please don't do it.
/Pembry gets out sledgehammer
Ashley: Pembry, for God's sake...
Pembry: Shh, darling. Trust me. It's for the best.
Ashley: Pembry, please!
/Pembry hobbles left ankle
Ashley: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Pembry: Almost done. Just one more.
/Pembry hobbles right ankle
Ashley: AAAHH!!!! GGOOODDDDUUUUUUHH!!!!!!!!!
Pembry: God, I love you.
Pembry: (shouting to heavens) You can't sodomize my mop wife in the shower when her ass is planted in a wheelchair you asshole! Also I never read that book!
(meanwhile...)
Emma: Did you hear something?
Gap: Nah.
Emma: No, it sounded like someone yelling.
Gap: Just your imagination.
Brought: No, I think she is right.
Gap: You are really a sick fuck, you know that?
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