I've been writing and directing straight-to-DVD movies for years now. At least that's what I've been telling all of the female leads in my "movies". See, the key to picking up slutty women at a bar is telling them you can get them acting work. It even works when they're not aspiring actors. They'll do anything when you tell them they'd look great in front of a camera. Unfortunately for them, all of my movies are basically shot for shot remakes of Cannibal Holocaust. Look bitches, I'm sorry you didn't want to get impaled through the vagina by this giant wooden spike. Do you want to make it in Hollywood or not?!?!? -Gap
"I feel like a proud papa today. You see, I was so dejected after Alicia cost our country gold in Beijing that I began unfolding my plan for US gold in womens gymnastics almost immediately following the closing ceremonies. Last night, it all came to fruition. I knew bilboing gymnasts from other countries would be far too risky. And I knew running a doping program for our Olympians would just blow up in our faces. So I did what any good american would do. I unleashed some Invisibilbos to sabotage the teams during their performances. And they did so well! In qualifying, they constantly fondled the Chinese, which was lovely. But more importantly, last night, they terrorized those poor Russian girls on the balance beam. In fact, the results were so magnificent that the girls were immediately exiled from Russia and fell right into my lap. I did stuff I'm pretty proud of to those poor girls. Oh, hey Mr. Erection, I see you're back for round 7! Let's hope they are!" -brought
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