"So I'm sitting here last week giving Gap a good buttons by saying I thought the WCW had run it's course when fucking Jimbo storms in the door and says we've got to get to the local high school for some JB. Now I know its summer, so I question him, but he says 'Hey, the sluttiest JB are gonna be there for summer school!' That is sound logic, so I jump in the car with him and head over to the school. Before I knew it we were in the hallways and he's mentally bullying me about how I'm such a fag for not wanting to do a WCW. I plead my case that I was just being lazy while he's giving me a swirly and shouting 'NERD! NERD! NERD!' Before I know it he's got me shoved in a locker and says I can't come out till I do a proper WCW. It's been a long week, and somewhere in the local high school is a locker about half-filled with semen and swiss roll wrappers, but fuck, here I am. God I hate that bullying son of a bitch.
/door flies open
Oh hey Jimbo. No, no, I can't go with you. Ouch! That hurts! Seriously dick, leave me alone! Aww no, not again FU-" -Brought
I've always had trouble with pants. Most of the time I just wear loose fit jeans because regular fit are really uncomfortable. Tommy Jarvis wears skit-tight pants, which make him look like a complete idiot because he has fat thighs, so it looks like somebody shoved 10lbs of ham into a 5lb bag. However, one time I accidentally bought tight fitting work pants. It was horrible. Everything was just mashed together. It took me 20 minutes to find my penis (he was behind my balls, stuffed into a bunch of wadded up underwear near my ass). I guess what I want to know is: How the fuck do hipsters wear chick-pants!?!?! -Gap
I have been spending a lot of time cruising in my van abducting prostitutes. Now before you judge me a monster, hear me out. Unlike those factory farm psychopaths, I never use chloroform to subdue my prostitutes, I only use blunt force. There are never chemicals in my prostitutes. Also unlike the factory farm psychopaths, I do not keep my prostitutes in cages, but instead allow them to roam in a fenced-in field. Finally, my prostitutes are grass fed, I do not feed them chopped up bits of other prostitutes like those factory farm psychopaths. I tell all this to express my extreme disappointment yesterday when I arrived at Whole Foods with a truck of Jimbo's Ethically Raised Organic Prostitute Parts, and Whole Foods refused to take any of the shipment. Not even the breasts! Hypocrites Whole Foods, you are huge hypocrites! -Pembry
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