So I've spent a few hours tracing my own personal history with the word. I can not remember the first time I heard the word, but I remember it becoming a familiar part of my vocabulary in the 7th grade. It seems like that was the age and time for cursing to become popular, and I started saying words that didn't feel comfortable in my mouth because, well, everyone else was saying them. As I sought to sound like my peers, I was also practicing the common teenage act of defiance. Saying "Fuck this shit," in reference to my algebra homework seemed to defy something, something that remained ambiguous, but I think it had to do with the feeling of obligation that pre-teens become aware of and instinctively resent. Obligation to do well in school, obligation to make our parents proud, obligation to take certain classes we have no interest in, obligation to fit in- so much overwhelming obligation, coupled with an equally overwhelming desire for independence, and suddenly rebellion seems extremely appealing. Since most of us were not about to drop out of one of Latin America's most expensive schools or run away from our parent's mansions, cursing seemed like a small way of showing the world, and ourselves, that at least we were in charge of our language usage.
I had a click of girlfriends at that time, and we used the word bitch quite often, usually lightly, but sometimes in reference to some girl who was dating a guy we had a crush on (How dare she! Bitch.). But eventually, as we got closer, I think we all sensed it was too heavy a word to use with each other and, although we never talked about why, we sought to make up a word that would sound more playful so that we could use it loosely with each other. We came up with "Slitch", a combination of Slut and Bitch, and eventually created our catch phrase: "Slitches Rule!". The word felt truly playful, and because it was ours, it felt rooted in love, not hate.
But Bitch would come back to me, in college. I think I really learned to curse comfortably in college, actually. It seemed like everyone at Sarah Lawrence was angry about something, and since we were a bunch of hippies who weren't going to go around punching each other, cursing was a particularly delicious- and necessary- outlet. I was doing so many things that felt outside of my comfort zone, cursing seemed like just another to add to the list. At one point I even bought t-shirts for me and my housemates that had the word BITCH printed on them- thinking, I imagine, that if we wore the word, it was ours, and no one could do us harm. It seemed to work for a while. I thought I had the word under control, I thought it was my weapon.
Then my little brother became a man, and went to college and bonded with other men. And in their world, which I have been exposed to only a few times, all women are referred to as "bitches". Even in casual conversation, "Tell the bitch we'll be right there." They are comfortable with it, and it seems to be integral to their male bonding time. Such conversations are probably not meant for me to hear, but I have heard them, and their use of the word Bitch, over and over again, in reference to any woman in any situation, started to make the word feel like their weapon, and started to make me feel like I didn't have Bitch under control at all. My reasoning for this is that their use of the word is stemming from hatred and anger towards women, making the word a violent gesture that is capable of doing great damage, and this is frightening to me. I don't want men hating women.
I talked about this with a friend last night, and he kept asking me why I don't want men hating women. It forced me to think about it, and I realized I don't want men hating women because it kills the possibility for beautiful, rewarding, and fulfilling relationships, where both parties' visions of life are expanded. When men are supportive and understanding of feminist points of view (and when women, too, are willing to take in men's perspectives), an opportunity is born where two people can really communicate, learn, and grow.
I realize that my being bothered by their use of the word Bitch has more to do with me than with them, but, and I also said this to my friend last night, I don't want to not be bothered by men calling women bitches. Aside from the fact that I can't help it- it bothers me, period.- I want these young men, and all men, to respect women and to be open to women's worlds. While it's important to acknowledge the hatred that may live inside us, I'm a believer of doing so with consciousness, so that others are not harmed. Being open to another person's view of the world has usually opened up my own understanding of myself and, on the same token, when someone else is willing to see my perspective, I also grow. So when I hear young men calling all women bitches, it breaks my heart, because as far as I know, there are no possibilities for real communication when hatred and anger are present. Love and respect create space, whereas hate and disdain, without awareness, create only limitations.
As always, I am an advocate for love and awareness. My request today is this- Please, to anyone this reaches, think twice before you use the word Bitch again, know that it is a weapon, and while a weapon can be vital for survival, it can also do a lot of unnecessary harm.
