/spits out snake venom

A cobra was missing for weeks and they finally found it!?! Hey mainstream media, a small request. When a goddamn cobra is on the lam somewhere in the continental United States, I want to hear about that shit right away. That's the news I care about! That the killing machine is eventually caught isn't the breaking news, that is just the part where I can finally sleep at night because our national nightmare is over. So from now on, when a goddamn cobra goes missing anywhere within a 2000 mile vicinity of me you get that shit on the wire right away so I can hole up in my underground bunker. Wait, do cobras live in underground burrows? FML.

Oh and if the lateness of your story wasn't bad enough, the contents of the story pisses me off even more. So let me get this straight. Some lady accidentally lets her cobra loose, causing a national crisis rivaling the Three Mile Island meltdown. She then finds the thing under her dresser (wouldn't "under your furniture" be the first place to look for a goddamn snake?). She then calls the police and when an officer shows up, she "advised the officer how to handle the snake, how to free it from the glue board and how to get it into an aquarium to turn over to her nonprofit wildlife education group." If you are such the goddamn expert, then why don't you fix your own screw-up and handle your own deadly poisonous snake that you accidentally released rather than stand back and "advise" some police officer how to handle it.



See, was that so hard?



OK, quit screwing around!



Oh damn!

/advises police officer there is dead lady in house

/skulks away


(By the way, after googling pics for this post, I have discovered there are a plethora of sick fetishes out there involving snakes. Women inside snakes. Snakes inside women. Snake as a nickname for a penis. I haven't seen reptiles degrading women like that since the ptero porn. We need to jump on this bandwagon fast! I am sure Mad Rocket Scientist would love that shit.)