Wacky Confession Wednesday

"My poor friend Gap hasn't had much to root for as a Dolphins fan lately and when Peyton Manning became available, I set out to fix that. I placed surveillance in the room when Manning sat down with Fins head coach Joe Philbin and took notes on how to improve the Dolphins' situation. The biggest obstacle seemed to be Brandon Marshall. Peyton didn't like him one bit. So I leaked info to the Dolphins that BMar had been punching ladies again and traded some Stupid Fox stock shares to new Bears GM Phil Emery as a favor for taking Marshall off the Fins' hands. Now I wait. Oh boy, I can't wait to see Gap all giddy about his new Marino! And it's going to make him that much more sad when New Marino throws a lot like Old Pennington! Oh come on Pey-Pey, just announce it already! You know you want to! Tell everyone you're a Dolphin like insiders already know! Gah! As Tom Petty once said through his ugly talking hole, the waiting is the hardest part." -Brought

Years ago my company began yearly wellness testing. They'd get height, weight, blood pressure, and pulse. They also throw in an aneurysm test and blood screening. Now, they say you're supposed to fast for 12 hours prior to the blood draw so that the results aren't thrown off by anything you may have eaten. Fuck that. I used to come in there drunk to give the blood. One year I went to a Chinese buffet right before. The other year I was actually masturbating during the withdraw. Oddly enough, the results have always been the same: I'm healthy as a (Mr.) horse. -Gap

When I was a young boy I frequently went camping with Gap and his family. Once, while Gap and I were looking for tires, I got separated from the group and was lost in the forest for days. About when I was close to death, a family of cod found made and took me in as one of their own. They raised me, even put me through college. One day I came home from college during break to see my cod family. Even before I got there I could hear their dying screams. When I finally reached them I saw a Danish fisherman named Cornelius Jensen eating them, laughing maniacally as he did. From that day forth I was determined to avenge my family. I began subtly manipulating Gap until he was "inspired" to create this blog. I then subtly influenced Gap and Brought as to the types of posts they put on the blog and of course submitted my own posts, all with the goal of attracting a young Danish lass, Cat Jensen, to the blog. Cat, the daughter of my sworn enemy, suspects nothing, nor will she until it is too late. And I shall take her away from her father like he took away my family from me. Then I shall feast on the tears of her father like he feasted on my family. The day of reckoning is nigh. And I shall have my revenge.

/posts "Cat Jensen sux LOL!" post on blog

FEEL MY WRATH CORNELIUS JENSEN AND KNOW WHAT TRUE PAIN IS!!!!! -Pembry