Wacky Confession Wednesday

I've been writing and directing straight-to-DVD movies for years now. At least that's what I've been telling all of the female leads in my "movies". See, the key to picking up slutty women at a bar is telling them you can get them acting work. It even works when they're not aspiring actors. They'll do anything when you tell them they'd look great in front of a camera. Unfortunately for them, all of my movies are basically shot for shot remakes of Cannibal Holocaust. Look bitches, I'm sorry you didn't want to get impaled through the vagina by this giant wooden spike. Do you want to make it in Hollywood or not?!?!? -Gap

"I feel like a proud papa today. You see, I was so dejected after Alicia cost our country gold in Beijing that I began unfolding my plan for US gold in womens gymnastics almost immediately following the closing ceremonies. Last night, it all came to fruition. I knew bilboing gymnasts from other countries would be far too risky. And I knew running a doping program for our Olympians would just blow up in our faces. So I did what any good american would do. I unleashed some Invisibilbos to sabotage the teams during their performances. And they did so well! In qualifying, they constantly fondled the Chinese, which was lovely. But more importantly, last night, they terrorized those poor Russian girls on the balance beam. In fact, the results were so magnificent that the girls were immediately exiled from Russia and fell right into my lap. I did stuff I'm pretty proud of to those poor girls. Oh, hey Mr. Erection, I see you're back for round 7! Let's hope they are!" -brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Many years have passed since that infamous day. When I close my eyes, I can still see the dust swirling at my feet as I stood perfectly still, hand twitching, almost shaking, as it hovered above my holstered weapon. I looked from side to side, barely able to see my brothers at arms as I squinted to blink the sun from my eyes. The man across dirt street chewed straw between his gnarled teeth as he did the same. We knew we were equals, but also opposites. I could not let him walk away that day. As the sun reached its apex, the villagers scurried from the streets, looking for cover from the coming storm. I nodded to my right hand and began the march toward that final showdown. I saw my opponents hand move quickly towards his hip. I drew. I shot. We shot. And when the dust settled, we had achieved our goal. Those hideous men that had faced us were now dead where they'd once stood. The blood pooling at our feet. I bent down and plucked an item from the dead man's chest. Blew the dirty ground from it. Sorry sheriff, but this is my town now. Earp would be next. Whee! I'm a cowboy now!" -Brought

I used to be a well respected doctor, but that was before I got involved with Olympic athletes. See, I'm real patriotic, and I just can't stand to see good American men and women lose at anything. I get pissed when we go to war and don't win it inside the first 48 hours. Hell, I get mad when when some dirty foreigner gets into the NBA. Really? You're telling me there aren't any other better American players? Come on! It was those thoughts tumbling through my brain when I met Marion Jones. She was good, but with my help, she could be great. I started doping her with 'roids and she got real fast! Towards then end, her ass was so hard that I had was routinely bending the injection needle on it. God, that made my wang hard! -Gap

In the 1850s I was a railroad baron.  After spending millions of dollars and using up hundreds of Chinamen's lives I finally built a vast network of railways spanning from Boston to California.  I was as wealthy as could be at that point and living the high life.  One day Brought says to me that the railroad industry has a limited shelf life and I need to start thinking about the next big thing.  I thought him a fool but asked him what his grand idea was.  He responded, "Tying up women and leaving them on train tracks."  I had security escort him from my office.  Well. that asshole started leaving tied up women on the train tracks and the resulting lawsuits against the railroads for trains' poor breaking systems destroyed my profit margin.  Then the fucking automobile and plane came along and tanked my empire.  Meanwhile Brought's idea sparked the damsel in distress pulp magazine industry which eventually became the comic book industry.  So while I am sitting on a bankrupt transportation industry that only survives through massive subsidies from Congress, that asshole Brought is taking in a percentage of the box office from The Avengers and Dark Knight Rises.  Lesson fucking learned; never get in the way of that man and his plans for turning sadistic sociopathic murder into profit. -Pembry

Wacky Confession Wednesday (oops)

Whoa, I say WHOA THERE! We missed it twice? This blog is the WORST! Well, like Bilbo always says, "Hey, at least I finally remembered to put the condom on."


I've been going to Starbucks just about every day of the week for the last few months. Thing is, I only get decaffeinated beverages now. Many people think it's stupid to pay all that money for a decaf iced coffee, but I know better. I'm just building up my alibi one cup at a time. That way, when all that lucious JB starts to disappear from the Starbucks parking lot, the baristas will be all like, "Who, Gap, yeah, he's just one of our sweet regulars. He orders a decaf iced coffee every day and makes conversation about the weather. Sometimes he takes an unusually long time in the bathroom, but that's only when Megan's working." -Gap

Bilbo with no longer be submitting WCWs because he thinks we've taken it as far as we can. What a fucking asshole. I'll be taking over his duties from here on out. So, without further adieu, Bilbo's latest WCW:

"I'm a fucking idiot with a sad life." -Bilbo

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Fuck this, I'm way too annoyed at basketball to come up with something funny right now. I hope they all die."-Brought

I have an intense fear of needles, but I always participate in my company's blood drive. I sign up for it and immediately start to worry. I'll spend weeks on edge, snapping at my coworkers and calling them horrible names. When the day finally rolls around, I'll spend the entire time looking out the window, waiting for that damn blood mobile to come pulling into the parking lot. When it does, I totally lose my shit. I'll start throwing computer monitors off of desks, slapping women and raping men. Eventually I blackout, and when I wake up, they've taken two pints of my blood and I can't get an erection for three weeks. I guess that's the price you pay for good karma. -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Ever since the pervasive problem of the "West Coast Viewing Audience" came to light about a decade ago, Gap and I have been desperate to solve the issue. After several failed attempts at kickstarting the San Andreas Fault in order to plunge the west coast into the ocean, we tried biochemical warfare. Turns out LA's smog issues have created a chemical tolerance for all residents west of the Rocky Mountains.  God damn the WCVA! All Gap and I want is a decent night's sleep after watching a complete sporting event. Is that so much to ask? Hopefully our latest plan works. If you'd like to join our Mongol horde, we'll be amassing by the hundreds of thousands in western Colorado, ready to storm the gates of Hell and bring back a proper sports viewing schedule. Free rape and pillaging, but bring your own punch and pie." -Brought

In the mid 70's I used to follow Harvey Milk around Castro Street asking him for some of his AIDS riddled blood. He kept going on and on about how he didn't have AIDS, but I knew better. Nobody with that many penises up his ass is AIDS free. I told him all I wanted to do with it is put some in Dan White's Twinkies. Harvey just kept on insisting that he didn't have AIDS and even if he did, he wouldn't let me go around infecting people with his blood. I spat in his face and told him he didn't deserve James Franco. Then I convinced Dan White to shoot him. -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

The movie Fear is loosely based on my exploits in the early 90s. I was a forgotten youth, neglected by her parents. I clung to my only friend, and we went out clubbing whenever we got the chance. I met this dangerous biker and began a tumultuous relationship with him, based primarily on sex. My girlfriend, also started dating Mark Wahlberg. Mark turned out to be a pretty bad guy. He actually ended up raping me, ruining my friendship with my only girlfriend, and terrorizing her family. But it's cool, he got stabbed with a peace pipe and made a shitty movie with that Seth MacFarlane. -Gap

"Boy does that movie Ted look awesome!" -Brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Almost 10 years ago now, wow I am getting old, I sat in the draft green room with a handful of guys about to go in the top 5 of the NBA Draft. I talked with them about how cool it would be if they could choose their team instead of the current format. About how it could be like college or AAU ball where the best guys could just team up. After rookie years full of frustrations on bad teams, a few of these young men came back to me and asked how it might be possible to map out a strategy to team up. I put in countless hours carefully scripting a plan. Sign your extensions now, I said, and sacrifice the present for the future. Make sure you all align your opt-outs, I said, and have your agents subtly hint that you'll all be free agents at the same time, so teams can plan ahead. Then something amazing happened. One of the three won a ring. Another became the best all-court player in the NBA. And the last began to resemble some freaked-out alien thing. So I say to the best one, hey, look, this is your one circus tour. Pretend to like everyone and tease fanbases everywhere. Then, just when people think they are sick of your act, schedule an hour-long special about where you are going and be sure to make it all about you. Then, once you have really offended an entire nation, be sure that you, your champion friend and your alien friend stage a Wrestlemania-like entrance with your new team where you make promises that you can't possibly live up to. I thought, hey, if I can make this happen, imagine what the Knicks will pay me! And they did. A lot, because Jimmy Dolan is a fucking idiot. Then I completely fucked him with a shit team whose face-of-the-franchise has become some filthy Asian. Ha! Stupid fucking Knicks, where's your precious Jon Starks now!?! Faaaaags!" -Brought

That's it, no more WCW. Time for Real Confession Wednesday. The zombies are here and they're slowly taking over. Bilbo has been talking all kinds of shit about killing zombies, men, women, and children. First off, the kid doesn't even own a gun, and even if he did, I've seen him shoot. He's a fucking horrible shot. He's short, old, and waaaay weaker than he used to be. At one point I was making him get drunk, shoot guns AND lift weights. Maybe and that's a big MAYBE he'd have been able to mow down some zombies back then. Current Bilbo would get eaten before his wife, and that's because she's smart enough to toss him at the zombies while he's fumbling around with his car keys. News flash: that car's a heap and wouldn't have started anyway. Enjoy being zombie chow. Don't worry, ever since all this shit started happening I've been growing a beard. Women instinctively flock to a man with a beard in times of danger, just ask Mr. Horse. That man had(has?) a beard so majestic that women literally traveled thousands of miles for his protection, and sex...mostly sex. Turd is incapable of growing a beard, but luckily he has enough money to hire a man with a beard to protect (lovingly sex) his wife. Tommy Jarvis can grow a beard but it comes in all reddish blonde. Nobody can respect a man with a clown wig on his face. No, you need a jetblack beard and it has to be coarse to the touch. When I give Viv a kiss on the cheek she screams in agony and pulls her face away. It's typically bleeding and full of holes. I usually say something cool like, "thanks for being so beardy, Mr. Beard." Then I strut off while she sprints for the iodine and witch hazel. Pembry can't grow a beard either, but he's smart enough to convince me that he's good at killing zombies even without a beard... -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"My newest hobby is hiding in the bushes outside of Gap's house and listening to him watch movies. I can't see him because he keeps the blinds closed, but I can hear him. And it's weird. For instance, when watching horror movies, he never JO's to the intricate death scenes and instead pleasures himself to the happy ending where the survivors are hugging each other. I knew he was a sick fuck, but what the hell? JOing to smiles and joyful crying? What kind of perv does that? Three days ago I caught up with him watching Julius Caesar. I know, strange right? Then he just starts pounding the hell out of himself during Charlton Heston's eulogy and screams 'Friends, Romans, countrymen, BOOM!' Then he bawled. A lot. And that's when I finally got mine." -Brought

I've been watching Game of Thrones a lot lately and it's really gotten me into Carrier Pigeons as a means of communication. I've amassed roughly 30 pigeons. I send them out with messages daily. Most of them go to Sean Bean, but I've also sent a few to some other people. Here are some messages I sent the other week:

"I don't care how famous you get, if I ever see you in public, I'll shove a trident up your cunt, Elle Fanning."

"Clive, how could you want Julia Roberts over Natalie Portman? That old bitch is disgusting! Kudos for sticking it to Jude Law though."

"Dear Albert Fish, love your work."

"Viv, we're out of low fat cottage cheese and paper towels."

"Turd, thanks for raising my children as your own." -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Sometimes I wish I had become a hitman. I mean, I'm pretty good at my normal job, but I am GREAT at killing people. Yeah, it's never a clean or honorable death, but I don't get caught! Plus I just have so much fun doing it. I know people always say 'If you're good at something, make someone pay you to do it,' but come on, with something so fun I'd go crazy waiting for someone to offer me money for such services. Plus no one is paying big bucks to knock off a hobo or some street walker with no family. Also, the customer would probably frown upon my post-mortem antics. And once they paid me, I'd totally frame them for it anyways, just to keep the cops off my trail. Man, I'd be a terrible hitman." -Brought


I used to run a real classy massage parlor out in LA. Top notch service, an excellent staff and competitive prices. Then, this fucking beat-off shop moved in right next door and started giving tuggers to everyone that went there. It was nearly impossible to compete with them. I mean, you could come to us, get a great massage and be on your way, or you could pay less, get a massage, get jerked off, and watch Swordfish. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?!?!?! We had to close our doors withing three months of that tug shop opening up. I'll never forgive Jimbo for opening that thing. -Gap

So I have been running this little rub and tug shop out in L.A.  Unlike many of the establishments that use Asian girls, I abduct and sex traffick young Eastern European women.  They are just as cheap (you don't have to pay sex slaves) and it gets you a much higher class clientele.  It's also a great way to mingle with Hollywood's elite, many of whom are my VIP customers.  One day my old friend James Cameron was in and we were chatting it up while "Sasha" was giving him an old fashioned.  I says to James, "Jimmy you got to go with your gut, and if your gut tells you more Avatar movies then you need to focus on those and nothing else".  After James finished and left I got to thinking.  Remotely inserting your consciousness into a member of the native population is the perfect way to exploit the local population and steal from them.  So using my 5head Scientists I remotely inserted my consciousness into a young Ukrainian women and then using her body I headed off to Eastern Europe to collect more girls for my shop.  Well while I was over a nice man offered me a job in America to be a maid.  I thought this was the perfect way to make an extra bit of cash for the holidays so I agreed to get in his van.  Well talk about fucking ironic, but apparently that was a trap and I was sex trafficked into the United States.  Now I am stuck in some shady massage parlor and am forced to give HJs to men in Hollywood.  God I hope they don't class this place up and start offering BJs. -Pembry

Wacky Confession Wednesday

So, a while ago I found out that the active ingredient in anti-freeze is ethylene glycol. It's the stuff that kills you up real good if you drink it. Now, it has a sweet taste and is essentially undetected in most standard autopsy reports. Basically, it'll just look like you died of an enlarged heart. It's the perfect killer. I made up my mind to poison bilbo's Fanta with it. I sneaked into his new house while he and the Mrs. were sound asleep. I threw open the refrigerator door and saw two cans left. I filled up my hypodermic needle and began to inject it into the top of the can. After I was finished, I concealed the puncture on the can and decided to have a look around the house. Turns out he had some corned beef and ham. I was really hungry so I made a sandwich. Not thinking I pulled out a fanta and drank it with my sandwich. To make a long story short: I need a fucking kidney transplant NOW! -Gap

"Years ago I found that ethylene glycol was a silent, untraceable killer. Knowing my enemies list was growing, I slowly began to build up a tolerance to this deadly chemical. Now I can drink anti-freeze by the tumbler. It has a horrible bite when served neat, but smooths nicely when cut with ice. Now I drink it all the time, even mixing it with my sweet Orange Fanta or green tea. I don't even think about the fact that it's deadly to others anymore and do things like marinate steak with it or use it as a tasty base for my barbeque sauce. Neighbors call me Jim Jones because all of my gatherings end with me standing in the middle of 10-12 dead bodies. I went through 12 Mrs. Bilbos before remembering not to serve it to them. Boy am I parched and sober, better run down to the gas station and buy some more good juice!" -Brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"I regularly place my hand on Jimbo's thigh when we hang out. He thinks it's because I want to make him uncomfortable and buttons him a little. In reality I'm just testing the waters to see if he's open to my advances and hoping I get the go ahead to molest him. This has been going on since he was a boy, though he's blocked out that part. Of course, he kind of had to, because as a boy he was open to my advances, and I, as an adult male, had a certain power of authority over him. I'd take him out for some KFC, then to see Penn State football practice, and then, after some horseplay, we'd sit on a bench in the locker room and I'd lightly place my hand on his thigh. Then, you know, we'd take our clothes off, turn on all of the showers and play slip-and-slide on the tile floor. One time I thought I was nailed dead-to-rights, but luckily a 20-something Gap wanted nothing more than to pin that poor child against the wall and drill him hard. A good time was had by all... except little Jimbo. He bawled for hours." -Brought

Years ago, I was masturbating in the Penn State mens' locker room. See, I'd been doing it for years. Something about the smell of sweat and hate just gave me such a raging clue.Anyway, I'm pounding away and I hear this sort of rhythmic slapping sounds. At first I thought it was just the echo from my own meat beating, but it continued after I stopped. It sounded like it was coming from the showers. I crept toward them, rapidly softening boner in hand. I peaked into the showers and saw the most horrible thing in the whole world: A filthy hoofer eating some old Granny Smith apples that had been left over from the yearly Penn State bobbing for apples charity function...Oh, and Brought was fucking Jimbo's ass to pieces. -Gap

When I was younger I was named by the King of England as feudal lord over a region of Scotland. Initially, the gig sucked but then the King implemented the policy of primae noctis. That made the new job pretty nice. Having to live in the shit town that is Scotland was a small price to pay for being allowed to deflower fair maidens on their wedding day. One day one of the maidens resisted and since I was given the right by the King I rightfully slit her throat. Well, it was just my luck because it turned out the bitch had just married Mel Gibson. I saw what that dude could do in Mad Max, so I blamed the whole mess on my underlings Amior Goldstein and David Mandelblum and got the hell out of there. But I heard Gibson was real pissed at Goldstein and Mandelblum. I guess he has gotten over it now. I am not sure, I haven't heard much about Gibson in a while, is he still doing movies?

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"The book Into the Wild was a lovely story and turned into a wonderful film. Unfortunately it is not exactly fact-based. You see, Christopher McCandless was not escaping society, but taking a survival vacation with his lover, me. After months alone in the wilderness, we became starved because dumb old Chris couldn't gut a goddamn deer before the flies would get to it. He was completely useless out there. So I did what any survivalist would do. I killed him and ate him with a lovely white wine fermented from my piss, some snow, and dung found near our camp. He was delicious! I actually spend a second winter up there making sure I got to savor every last morsel of Chris. Then I scrubbed everything down, removed all of his bullshit whining about me being a selfish lover from his diary, and carefully placed his belongings in an abandoned bus. Occasionally, when the winter wind carries the brisk scent of a far away campfire, I still recall those last nights we spent together, me eating his braised hamstring while cackling about giving his frozen wang a handy. I will always love you buddy." -Brought


I fucking hate you, work. I fucking hate your cunty guts. Fucking die. -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Nothing to confess today as I am out of the office negotiating a cushy management position with our soon-to-be alien overlords." -Brought

Years ago, I used to suffer from Male Pattern Baldness. I tried everything. I used the spray on hair, Rogaine, toupees, hats, horse semen and asshair transplants. Nothing worked. It was as though my head was waging a war against hair. I saw this as a threat and began a five year war against my head. I'd bang it against walls, hit it with hammers, stick it in the freezer, rub it with horse semen, make it watch Sex in the City and read The Historian to it. It was an ugly war, but my head finally surrendered and since then I've had a luxurious head of horse semen. -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Uh Jimbo, I think Gap is sleeping with Pembrina. And by think, I mean I know. And by sleeping, I mean having weird pyro-sex while I get to watch and touch myself. It's highly erotic. Especially when he makes her call him Prometheus." -Brought

Uh Jimbo, I think Brought is sleeping with your strumpet wife. And by think, I mean I know. And by sleeping, I mean having brutal, ball-draining anal while I get to watch and touch myself. It's highly disgusting. Especially when he makes her call him Batman. -Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

I've been secretly ordering women's underwear out of the Lands' End catalog for years. Naturally most people probably think I'm wearing them under my work clothes or something. Well, that's not the case. I purchased a RealDoll a long time ago and Lands' End fits her the best. I've tried Victoria's Secret underwear before, but it just doesn't look right. The thongs look terrible on her. They're just too saggy. Lands' End however looks wonderful. Such a turn-on! I jackhammer the fuck outta that doll when she's wearing her Lands' End thermal underwear...-Gap

"For years now, I've been pretending to be the Real Doll that Gap ordered. He dresses me up, makes me feel all pretty, then punches me a lot while humping. I feel like it's healthy for him to take his aggression out on me, as I'm the one who usually gets his blood boiling to begin with. Plus it allows me to save money on clothes. I haven't had to buy underwear or longjohns in years! Sometimes I think he sees my penis when he dresses me, but he doesn't. Or if he does, he's got other issues he needs to punchfuck out. Either way, I like to think I'm keeping my good friend from a massive coronary." -Brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"My poor friend Gap hasn't had much to root for as a Dolphins fan lately and when Peyton Manning became available, I set out to fix that. I placed surveillance in the room when Manning sat down with Fins head coach Joe Philbin and took notes on how to improve the Dolphins' situation. The biggest obstacle seemed to be Brandon Marshall. Peyton didn't like him one bit. So I leaked info to the Dolphins that BMar had been punching ladies again and traded some Stupid Fox stock shares to new Bears GM Phil Emery as a favor for taking Marshall off the Fins' hands. Now I wait. Oh boy, I can't wait to see Gap all giddy about his new Marino! And it's going to make him that much more sad when New Marino throws a lot like Old Pennington! Oh come on Pey-Pey, just announce it already! You know you want to! Tell everyone you're a Dolphin like insiders already know! Gah! As Tom Petty once said through his ugly talking hole, the waiting is the hardest part." -Brought

Years ago my company began yearly wellness testing. They'd get height, weight, blood pressure, and pulse. They also throw in an aneurysm test and blood screening. Now, they say you're supposed to fast for 12 hours prior to the blood draw so that the results aren't thrown off by anything you may have eaten. Fuck that. I used to come in there drunk to give the blood. One year I went to a Chinese buffet right before. The other year I was actually masturbating during the withdraw. Oddly enough, the results have always been the same: I'm healthy as a (Mr.) horse. -Gap

When I was a young boy I frequently went camping with Gap and his family. Once, while Gap and I were looking for tires, I got separated from the group and was lost in the forest for days. About when I was close to death, a family of cod found made and took me in as one of their own. They raised me, even put me through college. One day I came home from college during break to see my cod family. Even before I got there I could hear their dying screams. When I finally reached them I saw a Danish fisherman named Cornelius Jensen eating them, laughing maniacally as he did. From that day forth I was determined to avenge my family. I began subtly manipulating Gap until he was "inspired" to create this blog. I then subtly influenced Gap and Brought as to the types of posts they put on the blog and of course submitted my own posts, all with the goal of attracting a young Danish lass, Cat Jensen, to the blog. Cat, the daughter of my sworn enemy, suspects nothing, nor will she until it is too late. And I shall take her away from her father like he took away my family from me. Then I shall feast on the tears of her father like he feasted on my family. The day of reckoning is nigh. And I shall have my revenge.

/posts "Cat Jensen sux LOL!" post on blog

FEEL MY WRATH CORNELIUS JENSEN AND KNOW WHAT TRUE PAIN IS!!!!! -Pembry

Wacky Confession Wednesday

For years I've loved pistachios. I can sit around for hours and eat them.



Anyway, I was watching TV one day and I saw that fucking Jersey Shore pistachio commercial. That really put me off of pistachios. Watching that midget whore crack open my beloved nut with a tanning bed was just about all I could take. I threw my bag of pistachios on the floor and stormed to my room. Viv tried for days to get me out of there, but I wouldn't budge. I just cried at the top of my lungs and watched Virgin Suicides over and over again. It was the end of my innocence...and I'll never forgive that cunt. Snookie, not Viv...I like Viv and her ample bosoms. -Gap

"I spent much of the 1960's waist deep in the London rock scene. It was brilliant. I was quite the R&D man back then. But my biggest contribution came on what was supposed to be a joke. Dave Davies and I had been drinking all day when we came up with the idea to prank his brother Ray. I would dress in drag and try to seduce Ray and then BANG! Dave would jump out and rip my wig off and it would be this great laugh. So we run out and have this salon dress and make me up like one of those hot little mod girls and we're laughing and carrying on and finally Ray shows up at the bar. Dave 'introduces' us and soon we're hitting it off and heading back to Ray's flat. Well hot damn if Dave never shows and I go ahead and take Ray hard. He didn't even bat an eye! I felt kinda weird after that and stopped hanging around the guys, but what shocked me was later that year when I heard Lola on the radio. Damn fine song that was, and a damn fine piece of ass Ray was." -Brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"This is where I usually make something up about some great thing being my idea or based on me, but not today! No, instead, let me tell you about my good friend who we'll call Gap T. for anonymity. No, that's too on the nose, let's call him G. Theory. Yes, that's better. My good friend spent his days in the 80's as a bouncer at a rather violent small-town bar. One day a movie producer was scouting locations and stumbled upon Bar 22, where G. Theory worked. Like any Saturday afternoon, my friend was kicking ass and taking names and the movie producer took notice. After a lovely dinner with my friend and his doctor ladyfriend, we'll call her V. Ward, the movie producer decided to make a movie about my friend. That's right, I know the guy that Roadhouse is based on. Eat shit world, because my friend will beat you up if you don't." -Brought


People who really want to have a good time won't come to a slaughterhouse. And we've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry.

/slams guy's head through table

escort this gentlemen to the door.

/has sex in barn

-Gap

Wacky Confession Wednesday

Every year I like to join in the celebration of Black History Month. It is a time to look back and fondly remember great African Americans. Pioneers that held the torch high and lit the way for others to follow.

Cherokee D'Ass
Tyra Banxxx
Jeannie Pepper
Vanessa Blue
Lacey Duvalle

These are just a few of the great African Americans I'm referring to. Yes, just thinking about it again makes me horny...I mean wistful! It makes me wistful! -Gap

"I would also like to follow in Gap's footsteps and honor some of our African American heroes:

Marvin the Martian - First African American Astronaut
N-word Jim - Explorer and suspected pedophile who navigated the Mississippi
Aunt Jemima - Pancake Enthusiast
Storm - Meteorologist
Black Beauty - Founder of Daughters of the Filthy Hoofers Movement
Crispus Attucks - First African American to gain fame posthumously" -Brought

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Occasionally I will partake in reading erotic fiction because whereever I am (public restroom) won't allow for my usual choice of full volume hardcore porn. My problem is that I will sometimes come across a story that uses names of people I know which wrecks the old fantasy. I'll be strolling along, enjoying a story, boner in hand, and then BOOM! Suddenly Gap has shown up in my story and my wang has deflated. Now I have to go find another story to read. Oh, alright, this is a good one, OH MY GOD IT'S JIMBO! This can go on for hours at a time. Then of course I get the pounding on the restroom door from some barista or bookstore manager and it just ruins everything. That's when I have to wait behind the dumpster till close then rape and kill the asshole. Admittedly this feels wonderful, but really, I just wanted 10 minutes of privacy hours ago to JO. Just ten minutes. And now you're dead. Dick." -Brought

Years ago, I opened my own game preserve. It quickly turned into a game hunting preserve. It started out innocently enough. I was trying to sight-in the scope on my rifle and a giraffe walked onto the firing range. I took aim and fired. It was all downhill after I got that taste for blood. Soon I was flying in new animals and hunting them. When that got old, I began hunting humans. I've tried for years and years to lure Bilbo to my preserve, but that wily fuck won't get anywhere near my preserve. DAMN HIM! -Gap

Because of my love for memes and get rich quick schemes I decided to form a marketing company with a focus on marketing products to children using memes. After my "y u no buy Pepsi" campaign was a moderate success, I soon ran out of ideas. I realized for this to be a success I needed to utilize cutting edge memes. So I started scouring 4chan but soon found that their stuff is too cutting edge. You can't sell a product based on a meme no one has heard of. So then I decided to look for memes on Reddit, where you can find the memes that are starting to emerge as popular. So any time I saw a meme on Reddit, I'd tie it to a product and start marketing to children. Of course there are lots of subreddits out there so I went to one that is popular for memes, r/spacedicks (http://imgur.com/r/spacedicks) (WARNING: really really really NSFW). Now I am on this "sex offender registry" thing and facing numerous "felony charges." The goddamn authorities just don't understand memes. -Pembry