The 11th Anniversary of My Plastic Surgeries

Please God make me pretty.

But God is for the poor. The rich can go to sleep and wake up pretty.

Rip
Cut
Suck
Tuck
Nip
Perk
Sew
Scar

And into little jars went the woman I was meant to be. 

Twenty-six thousand dollars worth of self-esteem plastered onto me forever, and no more t-shirts at the beach. No more hiding in the bathroom during pictures. No more getting asked out as a joke.

Drip
Drop
Splash
Shh


Eleven years later, I still taste like plastic.

Vanity and I

Ours is a love story, like so many before it, rooted in an external search for acceptance, completion, and happiness. Abusive at times, melodramatic at others, and full of resentment and bitterness, Vanity and I have had a turbulent relationship.

At 16.

I did everything I was supposed to do. I was always manicured, pedicured, waxed, exfoliated, cleansed, starved, tucked, lifted, firmed, smoothed, and glossed. My hair was always long, my clothes were always form-fitting and feminine, and my perfume was whatever the magazine told me was a man's favorite scent on a woman. If my hands were dry or my lips chapped, I'd be embarrassed, and I'd never dare take my shoes off if I was overdue for a pedicure.

Vanity was with me every single day. And for as long as there was enough money, there were solutions to everything. Needles could smooth out stretchmarks, electric shocks could stop hair from growing where it shouldn't, surgeries could lift, tuck, and sew in anything that wasn't in place. Pills could make me stop eating. She had an answer for everything.

I did not think she would ever leave me, and I certainly did not think I would ever leave her. 

When a teacher quite forcefully told me that if I wanted to be an actor I had to get messy, dirty, ugly, and, above all, let go of my vanity and ego, I was baffled. Like a slave born into a life of unquestionable servitude, blind to the absurdity of her circumstances, I was suddenly made aware of my binding chains.

At 22.

I cut off my hair. I stopped getting my nails done. I bought a dozen yoga pants. I set my make up, stomach-gripping jeans, and heels to the back of my closet. And I started eating french fries.

In order to set myself truly free, I had to let go of Vanity completely. I had to break up with her, and I was very, very angry. I was ready to break mirrors and burn bras, such was the depth of my pain. You trapped me, chained me, butchered me, controlled me, and erased me. I want nothing to do with you, ever again.

She complied. She left me alone. And I was so happy to find the freedom within stretchy pants, flats, messy short hair, and unpainted uneven nails, that I did not miss her at all. It was a blissful time, and I did grow tremendously as an actor. Vanity murders creativity. For the next couple of years, I was unstoppable.

But I was not done growing. We never are. 

It was a group of actor friends that next freed me when they proposed, gently, that I indulge in my vanity, flaunt my femininity and sexiness, and invite a little ego back. Again, I felt a light turn on in a dark room within me. In my complete negation of Vanity, I did not realize she was still controlling me. I feared her so fiercely, I never considered that we could have a healthy, balanced relationship.

As I had done years earlier when I dispelled Vanity completely, I was ready to take on the challenge of welcoming her back for the sake of my growth as an actor. 

I have been taking slow, cautious steps every day towards discovering what feels good to me, what I like indulging in, and what daily doses of Vanity I can take. I felt my hair touch my shoulder the other day and was surprised by how much I liked the feeling of it. I dug up my eyeliner from its grave and played with different ways to bring attention to my eyes. I looked at each part of my body and asked myself, How do I celebrate this body part's beauty? 

It is no coincidence that The Body Stories emerged at the same time. I am telling stories that I hope inspire others to find a peaceful relationship with their bodies. It was time I worked on mine. 

I know Vanity is not a real person who forced me to do things I didn't want to. I know that when I talk of Vanity I am talking about a relationship I had with myself in pursuit of an ideal. But sometimes it's too hard to look at myself, to touch the parts of my body I have butchered, and not want to blame it on an external source.

Here we are, Vanity and I, with our loaded past, working on our relationship. And it does take work. I'd be lying if I said she were no longer a threat, and that our relationship is always healthy and balanced. I am still mostly afraid of her. When I spend 45 minutes on my hair, I have to make sure, every other minute, that I am doing this because I want to. And, when I wear yoga pants for five days in a row, I have to check that I am not avoiding her. But, step by step, we are figuring each other out, and I am a little bit closer to true freedom.

At 26.

Extreme Deprivation: The Vegan Challenge

I set up for myself a one-month challenge called "Extreme Deprivation," where I would tackle the vegan lifestyle and not eat any animal by-products for the entire month of November. I had three reasons to do it: First, I had been feeling unhealthy and indulgent; it was time for a change in my diet. Second, I knew I would be asking for a lot in the upcoming month, due to The Body Stories, and I wanted to sacrifice something, in order to complete the karmic cycle. Third, I have always judged vegans and vegetarians very harshly, believing that they are not "really" living their lives. I judged the soft-spoken, always in control, unemotional stereotype I associated with people who don't eat meat. And I figured it was time to know first-hand just what I was so critical of. 

I had to call it "Extreme Deprivation" because I eat meat and dairy every day. I grew up in Brazil, where the word "vegan" brings forth expressions of confusion and disdain. I went to Sarah Lawrence, where there were a lot of vegans, and they always annoyed the hell out of me; I thought them extremist and often hypocritical. And, I'm a foodie. It is one of the great pleasures I find in life, and the thought of restricting what could inspire me in the kitchen made me very sad. For me, being vegan was extreme.

But it was just for one month. I can do anything for just one month. On September 30th, I stocked up on vegan cereal, nuts, almond milk, vegan bread, fruits, and vegetables. And on October 1st, I was pretty excited to get started. I liked the idea of changing my diet to what I supposed was a lighter, kinder lifestyle.

The excitement lasted about four hours. By the afternoon, I was hungry. I was paranoid that anything I bought to eat would have butter or milk in it and not tell me. I had long stretches of time throughout the day when I wouldn't be able to sit down for a meal, so I was depending on snacks, and all I had were nuts and dried fruit. I don't really love nuts and dried fruit, so I was kind of miserable. Also, I wanted coffee with tons of milk and sugar in it. I already knew I didn't like the taste of soy or almond milk in coffee, so I was left with the milkless coffee option, and what was the point of drinking coffee that tasted like coffee? This was starting to suck.

I was ready to give up by day 2. Not only was I not enjoying the things I was eating, it seemed to be inconvenient for the people around me. My family was in town, and they love it when I cook for them. Suddenly I was this boring vegetable and fruit person who couldn't even eat dessert. I was also about to go to LA to visit my aunt and uncle for a few days, and I was really anxious about making it hard for them to host me.

But I didn't give up. I knew that there would always be an excuse. No month would be easier than another. And that's when I learned the first lesson of this challenge: I was going to have to come to terms with being inconvenient company and stop caring about being fun for other people. I'm a big people-pleasing entertainer and can't stand the thought of giving anyone any trouble on my account, so this lesson came in due time. 

After the first week, I lost 4 pounds, and I felt amazing. My skin looked better, I had more energy, I was very alert, I felt a lot of lightness and space, and I was starting to enjoy the flavors of a fruit-vegetable-nut-and-grain based diet. I learned to pack things for the day and not let myself get too hungry. It's pretty easy to be vegan in New York City, there are tons of options and waitstaff is generally used to the question, "Is there any dairy in this vegetable dish?" This was starting to seem like a good idea.

By the end of week 2, I wasn't as excited. I was really missing the flavors of meat and dairy in my meals. I wasn't having cravings yet, but I was tired of fruits and vegetables. And my energy level wasn't that great. I didn't feel amazing all the time anymore, I felt pretty normal. I started eating more tofu and what I call, "fake food," meaning- vegan chocolate cake, made from ingredients I neither recognized nor understood.

By week 3, my stomach wasn't doing so good. I probably had too much soy and wasn't making sure my meals were balanced. I got to the point where I was tired of paying attention, and my meals consisted of a lot of guacamole and vegan chips. I didn't feel the physical benefits anymore; I was just as tired and worn out as usual. I had cravings and I was absolutely sure I couldn't be vegan forever. I kept telling myself that as soon as this month was over I was going to sink my teeth into a turkey and cheese sandwich, one of the things I was craving the most. This is incredibly dumb, I thought, and I can't wait for it to be over.

When week 4 started, I was ready to be done with this. I wanted a cheeseburger, a milkshake, an omelet, chicken rice soup, and real chocolate cake. And then, I got my period. Under normal circumstances, I know I'm getting my period a week before it comes. I have very clear physical symptoms, and I usually get cramps and headaches when it finally does come. This month, I was completely surprised by it. I even thought maybe it wasn't my period, because I didn't have a single symptom, and that maybe something was wrong with me. But it was my period indeed, and it was the healthiest, most pain-free period I have ever had. Enough to have me swearing off meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I started collecting vegan recipes and made delicious vegan pumpkin-coconut-walnut bread. I even looked up a vegan thanksgiving meal recipe and planned to make my family enjoy my new lifestyle with me. I can do this! I can be vegan forever!

And then, on October 30th, I started feeling like I was getting a cold. I took a bunch of vitamins and drank a lot of liquids, but my body shut down. I was pretty sick yesterday, still drinking lots of liquids and taking vitamins, and didn't even get to enjoy my last day of the vegan challenge. I woke up today feeling like crap, and my body screamed at me, Give me chicken soup! I could feel it; I needed protein. And so, I write this with a bowl of chicken soup next to me. I didn't eat the chicken in it, just the vegetables and broth, because I'm not ready yet, but I am pretty sure I will eat it all soon.

It has been an interesting and challenging month, and I am really glad I went for it. I learned to adjust my palate to milder flavors and appreciate vegetables in many forms. I got really creative making soups and salads, and I did feel kinder, less angry, and less impulsive. I found that I had more compassion for animals and genuinely cared about how they're being treated in farms, which was not something I used to consider all that much.

I am certain that I will cut down on my meat and dairy (especially dairy) intake a lot, but I don't think the vegan diet is for me. I feel proud that I didn't give up on this challenge, and I don't feel a huge need to run out and get that turkey sandwich I've been dreaming of. I do think that at least once a year, for one month, I may adopt the vegan diet again. It is a good way to appreciate food and pay attention to my body's needs and wants. And I'm not quite so critical of vegans and vegetarians now. But I learned what I needed to know: I am a meat-and-dairy eating girl, after all, and the best diet for me is to give my body what it wants.

My vegan pumpkin-coconut-walnut bread. Delicious, actually.

Please do share with me your experiences with veganism! I am curious and would love to learn more!

The Body Image Project

I made this collage today for my Body Image Project. If you have any reactions, I'd love to hear them. It's a theater piece in development.