I wanted to disappear today. I woke up and that was my thought:
I want the world to not know that I exist today. Because if it doesn't know, then I don't have to take responsibility for existing. And then I can do nothing and no one will ever know.
But I had made plans to go to yoga. I could have canceled. I could have just not shown up. My friend would've forgiven me. Yoga would not have missed me. But, as if on auto-pilot, my body knew what I needed, and it dressed itself and made its way out the door anyway.
And the outside world was still there with its slushy New York streets and pretty snow-covered trees that make you wonder how the same substance can make something so disgusting and something so magical at the same time. The cold air slapped my face around a little bit, as if to say,
You can't put life on pause, silly, you're alive and that's that. And the loneliness of an unexceptional Sunday settled in, matching my insides, making itself comfortable for the day.
Yoga was crowded and hot and I got a spot in the back of the room, which was exactly where I wanted to be. I noticed soon enough that my body was tired. I've been over-exercising and under-eating. My body was mad at me. It wanted to know why I was ignoring its needs. As I moved through the poses, I apologized to my body, letting it know I was ready to listen to it now. It told me,
Overworking me and not feeding me is not going to get you an acting job or make anyone fall in love with you. Ignoring what you want is not making you stronger. All this tension is fear. This is your body, your feelings happen inside it, and they do not go away if you ignore them. I realized I have been trying to build an armor so that I'll be less affected by the painful things in life, and it's costing me my relationship with myself. I tell myself I am searching for clarity, but I remain in a comfortable fog. I left yoga feeling more like myself than I've felt in days, possibly weeks. I feel different than I did this morning, I feel a desire to exist and to know that I am alive. I ate a full meal and enjoyed it. I rested. And now I'm sitting, waiting to find out what I need next.
My body took me to yoga today because it wanted my attention. It had to remind me that I have to listen to what I want and need, every day. I can't assume I know what will make me happy and bring me to life each day. I have to find the courage to face not only my fears, but the needs that they mask. I am lucky I have a body that knows how to talk to me, and I am grateful I was open enough to get the message. May I be so lucky every day.
