Weak Thrust fan girl Cat Jensen recently expressed wonderment at some of the traditions and customs of American Christians. Dr. James Pembry, Ph.D, will help Cat and our other readers understand the main differences between the religious holidays in America and Denmark.
America - Christian Holidays
Lent (40 days before Easter)In Biblical times, Jesus declared that Jewish women grew sort of obnoxious and fat after they got married. Jesus therefore ordained that in his religion, WASPy women would keep their figures, at least until their men divorced them and married their hotter second wives, usually the young tennis instructor at their country club or a waitress. Accordingly, as per Jesus's executive order, Christian women diet for the forty days proceeding Easter.
Palm Sunday (Sunday before Easter)God declared in the Bible that masturbation causes one's palms to grow hairy. Except for lady fapping of course, God is totally cool with that, especially when it is in front of a webcam. The hairy palm issue was a huge problem because back then razors were not as advanced as they are today. In fact, some razors had as little as two or even one blade and aloe strips were a luxury of only the very wealthy. But of course God understood that everyone needs a good JO now and then and so he declared Palm Sunday to be a JO-amnesty day.
Maunday Thursday (Thursday before Easter)Seriously, no one knows what the fuck this is. The Pope himself thought this was made up until he looked it up on Wikipedia.
Good Friday (Friday before Easter)Traditionally on this day, a young boy is chosen buy church officials to climb the highest hill in the village where he meditates for several hours on the tenants of Christianity: low taxes, small government, and a neoconservative foreign policy. He then comes down from the hill and if he is white and can get the blessing of Karl Rove he is elected to Congress.
Easter (First Sunday after the first full moon after March 21)This holiday celebrates when Jesus returned to Jerusalem and was bitten by a werewolf. The Roman authorities, wary of werewolves, arrested and crucified Jesus. But because the Romans had given all their silver to the conniving Jews who sold out Jesus, they had to use iron nails. And since only silver kills werewolves, Jesus was resurrected and GTFO'd from Rome. God was naturally pissed that the smug Romans had hurt his son and sent the Visigoths to sack Rome. You mess with the bull and you get the horns. Under Mormon belief, Jesus actually came to America after he fled Rome and participated in a series of events that are depicted in the movie Teen Wolf.
Pentecost (40 days after Easter)This day celebrates the coming of the Holy Ghost after the crucifixion of Jesus. Christians dress as ghosts and burn crosses in the yards of immigrants as a way to teach them about Christian customs. The power of the ghost is usually proclaimed loudly by the participants, who scream "WHITE POWER!"
Advent (Period marked by the four Sundays before Christmas)To celebrate the coming of Christmas, lovers give each other a series of gifts leading up to December 25. Traditionally these gifts are drummers, pipers, lords-a-leaping, ladies dancing, maids-a-milking, swans-a-swimming, geese-a-laying, gold rings, colly birds, french hens, turtle doves, and an iPad.
Christmas (December 25)Santa Claus!!!
Denmark - Norse Holidays
Thurseblot (full moon of January)Danes show their devotion to Odin by boarding their viking ships and raiding the British isles during a week of rape and pillage. The British women and children who are taken during the raids are made slaves and on the final night of Thurseblot they are made to to prepare a huge feast of cod for their new masters.
Disting (February 2)On this day, the Danes make offerings to Hodr in hope that he will give them a bountiful harvest of cod the following spring. The offerings are traditionally virgin girls and infant boys captured from the British isles.
Valisblot (Febriary 14)On this day, the Danish head of state (the Jarl) proclaims the start of school for Danish children. Danish primary education is considered to be the best in the world and students take a balanced course load of classes in such topics as sailing, pillaging, burning, rape, sacking, raiding, cod biology, cod macroeconomics, and algebra.
Ostara (March 20-21)This holiday is only celebrated every four years. In lieu of elections, persons seeking to hold the position of Jarl go out and try to catch the biggest cod. The winner is made the Jarl for a four year term. The losers are of course killed, their daughters are made slaves to the winner, and their sons are killed, their brains being made into a stew that is served with cod.
Walpurgis (April 22)As an offering to Loki, the Danes raid the British isles, killing as many men and taking as many women and children as they can. Traditionally, the families of all cast members and crew of the show Dr Who are spared as Dr. Who is a sacred figure in Norse mythology, equaled only by Odin.
Einherjar (May 30)The Danish version of Thanksgiving. Rape and pillaging of the British isles followed by a dinner of cod, followed by pumpkin pie and football on TV.
Sigursblot (June 9)A day of mourning where the Danes reflect on the fact that their raping and pillaging will never be as cool as that done by the Visigoths, who were so awesome that the real God (as opposed to the heathen false gods they worship) used them to punish the smug Romans. As penance, the Danes will eat only cod on this day.
Lithasblot (July 31)A summer festival in which British slave girls are sold at market and the traditional meal of British baby is served. At the festival, Danish children play carnival games. Typically the prizes for such games are cheap codfish, which inevitable die within a day of being brought home. Fortunately the Danish know just what to do with a dead cod.
Mabon (September 22)The Danes make sure Odin is appeased by going on another raid of the British isles. This time, they don't even take plunder or slaves, they just slaughter everyone in a bloodthirsty frenzy because they are brutal savages. Also, cod is eaten.
Jul (December 20-31)
Santa Claus!
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