A trip across the pond.

(Swinging London)

Pembry: Hey, this is really great. I've heard chicks go crazy over foreign guys, and I'm finally gonna find out first hand! First I think I'll soak up some of this wonderful culture.

/cabbie speeds away

Pembry: Hey, nice clock. I've got a Rolex, but no big deal.

/Pembry stares at clock

Pembry: Fuck, I'm hungry. I hope they serve Hamburger Helper over here. Cabbie, the nearest eatery please.

Cabbie: Right away (under breath) ya fuckin' wanker.

Pembry: What?

Cabbie: Right away, Govnah!

/cabbie speeds away

Pembry: Uh, cheerio, may I have an ale and something to eat.

/Pembry gets beaten horribly

(meanwhile)

(mumbling)

Voice: We'd better fucking be here. I god damn hate planes.

Voice2: We're here stupid, I checked with the stewardess, then I grabbed her ass.

/two dirty figures slide down the emergency slide and commandeer a police vehicle

(chanting) Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.....

(back at the pub)

Pembry: So, now that you beat the shit out of me, will you give me something to eat?

Hideous waitress: Sure thing, Yank.

Pembry: CHUH-CHUH!

/Pembry starts inhaling food

(door flies open)

Bilbo: Hey buddy.

/Gap vomits

Gap: Wheeeeew, had some bad fish and chips.

/walks over and starts eating Jimbo's fish and chips

Gap: These are turrible too.

Pembry: What the fuck are you assholes doing here?

Bilbo: We're here to party?

/Bilbo starts to gyrate

/Gap joins in halfway through

Gap: Seriously, when are we going to the match? I've been watching Green Street Hooligans for the last two weeks and I'm ready to get some fightin' done!

Bilbo: Soon. First we gotta get you drunk enough to not feel the punches.

/Gap starts chugging beers on the counter

Gap: Are these supposed to be room temperature?

Bilbo: Yup. Keep going!

Pembry: What are you dickheads doing here?

Bilbo: We missed you, and Gap and I wanted to catch a local footy match.

Pembry: I'm here on business, I don't have time to babysit you idiots.

Gap (slurring and offended): Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOOOOA mister.

/falls off barstool

Bilbo: I gotta get as drunk as him. Excuse me.

Pembry: I'm serious, you fucks need to leave me alone, this is important business!

Gap (slurring) : Right, "business".

/makes JOing motion

/Bilbo starts to actually masturbate to completion

Pembry: I'm fucking out of here.

/Bilbo and Gap continue to fit in at pub

Pembry: Those guys are such shitheads. They'd better not fuck this up for me.

(To be continued)

Gap's Little Mexican Friend Not Gon' Like This

I grew up in a pretty homophobic area of the country but there is no one I know that is more homophobic than Gap's little Mexican friend.  Who I recently found out is Ecuadorian, not Mexican.  Dat's RAYCUSS!

The little Mexican Honduran is homophobic to the point that when we question him about his thoughts on homosexuality troll him, he literally says he would rather have sex with his sister than kiss a guy.  Or would let all of his friends be killed before he would kiss a guy.  Yet for some reason he would apparently suck the venom out of a penis of a friend if it were bitten by a snake.

Which is weird.  Which his not to say I wouldn't do this for a close friend, but not until I had gotten a satisfactory answer after some tough questioning as to why his penis was so close to a snake.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man not to wag his penis at snakes and he won't get venomous bites.  And while certainly I'd suck the venom out a friend's penis if it was necessary to save his life, I'd probably wouldn't if it was only to save his penis.  Sorry buddy, but there are consequences to wagging your penis at snakes.  And of course I'd only do it if it were medically necessary.  Like I'd hate to be the guy that sucked venom out of a penis when driving him to the hospital or giving him a Benadryl would have the same beneficial effects.  And forget the stigma of a penis in the mouth, is it even safe to have snake venom in your mouth?  I wouldn't suck venom out of a finger unless I knew there was no risk to me.  What if you accidentally swallow?  What if that venom kills your taste buds.  Yeah my friend might live but I will never enjoy pie again?  Fuck that.  So really the takeaway point is, don't suck venom out of a penis until you have done very thorough research.  This is why we have smart phones people, to look up shit like this! 

But the Mexican Brazilian won't simply kiss a dude to save the life of all his friends or avoid an incestuous relationship with his sister, but he will suck the venom from a penis, no questions asked.  This seems like a bit of a discrepancy in his homophobic logic.  It's also possible I misremember his response to this inquiry, I only heard about his answer from Gap, and I frequently forget conversations I have had with him.  Well anyway, this recent scientific study is only strong evidence of what common sense already told us, but yeah, the little Mexican Samoan is probably gay.

The Religions of Denmark and America

Weak Thrust fan girl Cat Jensen recently expressed wonderment at some of the traditions and customs of American Christians. Dr. James Pembry, Ph.D, will help Cat and our other readers understand the main differences between the religious holidays in America and Denmark.

America - Christian Holidays



Lent (40 days before Easter)
In Biblical times, Jesus declared that Jewish women grew sort of obnoxious and fat after they got married. Jesus therefore ordained that in his religion, WASPy women would keep their figures, at least until their men divorced them and married their hotter second wives, usually the young tennis instructor at their country club or a waitress. Accordingly, as per Jesus's executive order, Christian women diet for the forty days proceeding Easter.

Palm Sunday (Sunday before Easter)
God declared in the Bible that masturbation causes one's palms to grow hairy. Except for lady fapping of course, God is totally cool with that, especially when it is in front of a webcam. The hairy palm issue was a huge problem because back then razors were not as advanced as they are today. In fact, some razors had as little as two or even one blade and aloe strips were a luxury of only the very wealthy. But of course God understood that everyone needs a good JO now and then and so he declared Palm Sunday to be a JO-amnesty day.

Maunday Thursday (Thursday before Easter)
Seriously, no one knows what the fuck this is. The Pope himself thought this was made up until he looked it up on Wikipedia.

Good Friday (Friday before Easter)
Traditionally on this day, a young boy is chosen buy church officials to climb the highest hill in the village where he meditates for several hours on the tenants of Christianity: low taxes, small government, and a neoconservative foreign policy. He then comes down from the hill and if he is white and can get the blessing of Karl Rove he is elected to Congress.

Easter (First Sunday after the first full moon after March 21)
This holiday celebrates when Jesus returned to Jerusalem and was bitten by a werewolf. The Roman authorities, wary of werewolves, arrested and crucified Jesus. But because the Romans had given all their silver to the conniving Jews who sold out Jesus, they had to use iron nails. And since only silver kills werewolves, Jesus was resurrected and GTFO'd from Rome. God was naturally pissed that the smug Romans had hurt his son and sent the Visigoths to sack Rome. You mess with the bull and you get the horns. Under Mormon belief, Jesus actually came to America after he fled Rome and participated in a series of events that are depicted in the movie Teen Wolf.

Pentecost (40 days after Easter)
This day celebrates the coming of the Holy Ghost after the crucifixion of Jesus. Christians dress as ghosts and burn crosses in the yards of immigrants as a way to teach them about Christian customs. The power of the ghost is usually proclaimed loudly by the participants, who scream "WHITE POWER!"

Advent (Period marked by the four Sundays before Christmas)
To celebrate the coming of Christmas, lovers give each other a series of gifts leading up to December 25. Traditionally these gifts are drummers, pipers, lords-a-leaping, ladies dancing, maids-a-milking, swans-a-swimming, geese-a-laying, gold rings, colly birds, french hens, turtle doves, and an iPad.

Christmas (December 25)
Santa Claus!!!

Denmark - Norse Holidays





Thurseblot (full moon of January)
Danes show their devotion to Odin by boarding their viking ships and raiding the British isles during a week of rape and pillage. The British women and children who are taken during the raids are made slaves and on the final night of Thurseblot they are made to to prepare a huge feast of cod for their new masters.

Disting (February 2)
On this day, the Danes make offerings to Hodr in hope that he will give them a bountiful harvest of cod the following spring. The offerings are traditionally virgin girls and infant boys captured from the British isles.

Valisblot (Febriary 14)
On this day, the Danish head of state (the Jarl) proclaims the start of school for Danish children. Danish primary education is considered to be the best in the world and students take a balanced course load of classes in such topics as sailing, pillaging, burning, rape, sacking, raiding, cod biology, cod macroeconomics, and algebra.

Ostara (March 20-21)
This holiday is only celebrated every four years. In lieu of elections, persons seeking to hold the position of Jarl go out and try to catch the biggest cod. The winner is made the Jarl for a four year term. The losers are of course killed, their daughters are made slaves to the winner, and their sons are killed, their brains being made into a stew that is served with cod.

Walpurgis (April 22)
As an offering to Loki, the Danes raid the British isles, killing as many men and taking as many women and children as they can. Traditionally, the families of all cast members and crew of the show Dr Who are spared as Dr. Who is a sacred figure in Norse mythology, equaled only by Odin.

Einherjar (May 30)
The Danish version of Thanksgiving. Rape and pillaging of the British isles followed by a dinner of cod, followed by pumpkin pie and football on TV.

Sigursblot (June 9)
A day of mourning where the Danes reflect on the fact that their raping and pillaging will never be as cool as that done by the Visigoths, who were so awesome that the real God (as opposed to the heathen false gods they worship) used them to punish the smug Romans. As penance, the Danes will eat only cod on this day.

Lithasblot (July 31)
A summer festival in which British slave girls are sold at market and the traditional meal of British baby is served. At the festival, Danish children play carnival games. Typically the prizes for such games are cheap codfish, which inevitable die within a day of being brought home. Fortunately the Danish know just what to do with a dead cod.

Mabon (September 22)
The Danes make sure Odin is appeased by going on another raid of the British isles. This time, they don't even take plunder or slaves, they just slaughter everyone in a bloodthirsty frenzy because they are brutal savages. Also, cod is eaten.

Jul (December 20-31)
Santa Claus!!!

The future...

At computer store...





Ashley: So does this computer have the Internet downloaded on it?

Saleswoman (rolls eyes): Err... yes. You just have to open Internet Explorer, and...

/Ashley checks blog





Ashley: THERE IS FILTH LIKE THIS ON THE INTERNET!?! WHO ALLOWS PEOPLE TO PUT SUCH RACIST GARBAGE LIKE THIS ON THE WEB!?!

/Ashley storms out

(meanwhile at beNNate HQ...)





Pembry: I thought this thing had the goddamn Internet downloaded on it!

(door flies open...)




Ashley: Have you seen what your friend Brought has been posting on the Internet!

Pembry: 'Friend' is a rather strong word.

Ashley: He has been posting more racist hate speech against dactyls!

Pembry: Now honey, you know I don't share his views. Dactyls have an important role in society, as migrant workers, and janitors, and stuff.

Ashley: Right, and eventually they will lift themselves out of the lower class, a position they are in because of generations of discrimination and exploitation.

Pembry: Right. Sure. Whatever.

Ashley: So what are you going to do about this?

Pembry: Brought?

Ashley: You better do something, mister!

Pembry: Um honey, I'd remind you it's the future. Brought and I have been waging a brutal war against each other that has resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of people. If I had the ability to just kill him, I would have done that ages ago.

Ashley: Well then you should donate money to the Society to Protect Dactyl Rights.

Pembry: Of course honey, let me just write that check.





Ashley: YOU BETTER ADD A WHOLE LOT OF ZEROES TO THAT CHECK MISTER!



/Pembry writes large check

Ashley: Thank you snookums! Now go say goodnight to our daughter.

Pembry (under breath): And not tell her that goddamn dactyl check came from her college fund.

(upstairs)




Pembrina: Dad get out of my room! You're such a loser!

Pembry: Honey, please stop playing with fire. You know that anything involving flammable material or explosives always goes awry in this house.

Pembrina: LEAVE ME ALONE! I SAID GET OUT!

Pembry: One second, honey.

/Pembry grabs broom and puts on infrared goggles.

Pembry: Git!!!!

/Pembry chases Invisibilboes from Pembrina's room

Pembry: Goodnight sweety.

Pembrina: Whatever.

(the next day...)



Pembry: The fuck is a firewall!?!

/Pembry calls Gap



Gap: Y'ello

Pembry: I need you to fix my computer.

Gap: Just buy a Mac!

Pembry: I can't. The goddamn mop made me throw a ton of cash at some dactyl charity.

Gap: (smugly) How progressive of you.

Pembry: I know. I am fine with dactyls. I am not some racist hick.

Gap: Whatever.

Pembry: Listen, are you gonna fix my computer?

Gap: Probably not.

/Gap hangs up phone

(door flies open...)



Pembry: Why are you all dressed up?

Ashley: I reminded you this morning, our daughter is bringing her new boyfriend home for dinner.

Pembry: Oh... right.

/Ashley and Pembry go downstairs



Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrance.



Pterrence: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Pembry, it is so nice to finally meet you.

/Pembry spits out coffee

Pembry: The fuck!?!

Ashley: Pembry!



Pembry: ...

Ashley: It is nice to meet you, Pterrence.



Pembry: ...

(that night...)




Ashley: You were really quiet at dinner.

Pembry: You really want him dating our daughter! He looked like a gang member!

Ashley: He is a national merit scholar! He has a full ride to Brown!

Pembry: He looked like a gang member to me.

Ashley: THAT IS RACIST!

Pembry: I have no problem with pteros! They just better keep their dirty little ptero wings away from my daughter!

Ashley: DONT YOU USE THAT WORD, MISTER!

(Pembry and Ashley fight for hours and then Pembry falls asleep)

(meanwhile, in dream...)



Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrence.


Pterrence: S'up

/Pterrence sips beer



Pembrina: Give me back my bra, Pterrence!




Pterence looks smugly at Pembry

Pterrence: Now I popped both your cherries.

Pembry: You smashed up my car you goddamn ptero!

/Pembry wakes up screaming

Voice: Nightmares?

/Pembry spins around



Pembry: GODDAMMIT! HOW DO YOU GET IN HERE!?!



Brought: Let's not get hung up on that. I believe you need my services.

Pembry: I don't need shit from you.

Brought: Really? So you are fine with having a bunch of ptero grand-kids running around? I mean if so, I'll just go into the bathroom where your wife is showering and congratulate her on her new family.

Pembry: Stay the fuck out of the bathroom!

Brought: So you do need my services.

Pembry: Listen, just keep this quiet, the last thing I need are accusations of racism in the beNNate Syndicate.

Brought: My services are always confidential. Now about compensation...

Pembry: It's fine, I will make the arrangements right away.

Brought: Good... good.

/Brought puts on robe




(the next day...)



Pembrina (crying): daddy, Pterrance's parents called, he didn't come home last night.

Ashley: We are putting up these signs.



Pembry: Well my darlings, I do hope he is OK, but when you hang out with the wrong crowd like he probably did...

Pembrina: I HATE YOU DAD!

/Pembrina runs out crying

/Ashley glares at Pembry

Pembry: So I'm on the couch tonight, right?

(meanwhile near quarry...)



/police officer vomits



Benson: This is the worst hate crime I have sever seen....



Police officer: i didn't know their wings even bent that way.

Stabler: They don't.

(meanwhile back at Brought's evil lair)





Emma: I am the Executive Vice President of beNNate, by the Rules, you cannot touch me.

Bilbo: Oh my sweet sweet Emma, there has been some corporate restructuring. As part of a deal I made with Pembry, you were laid off. But you have a new position in my organization. The benefits are very competitive...

I reckon she needed some killing

Good old PA back in the news.


Yeah, nothing like murdering the wife of your four children in front of a fucking WAWA. Who the shit are these people?


Hmm, I guess it could be worse.



Damn.

Goodbye Dickface

Today we bid adieu to one of the dirtiest players to ever play the game.

So long, you blindsiding asshole.



You've really made a wonderful career out of killing people when they weren't looking. I'm so glad Ed Reed ripped your head off a few times. Obviously it doesn't make up for the numerous times you put some poor guy out of the game, but it helps.

Now, go try and get on ESPN with Rodney Harrison. Maybe you see which one of you assholes can talk about how things aren't done "The Steeler Way" or "The Patriot Way" anymore? God, I hope you both die.

Wacky Confession Wednesday

Every year I like to join in the celebration of Black History Month. It is a time to look back and fondly remember great African Americans. Pioneers that held the torch high and lit the way for others to follow.

Cherokee D'Ass
Tyra Banxxx
Jeannie Pepper
Vanessa Blue
Lacey Duvalle

These are just a few of the great African Americans I'm referring to. Yes, just thinking about it again makes me horny...I mean wistful! It makes me wistful! -Gap

"I would also like to follow in Gap's footsteps and honor some of our African American heroes:

Marvin the Martian - First African American Astronaut
N-word Jim - Explorer and suspected pedophile who navigated the Mississippi
Aunt Jemima - Pancake Enthusiast
Storm - Meteorologist
Black Beauty - Founder of Daughters of the Filthy Hoofers Movement
Crispus Attucks - First African American to gain fame posthumously" -Brought