Mary's Story

This was the very first poem I wrote in my very first poetry class in college, 6 years ago. I sat down and wrote it, and edited very little ever since. It is completely simple and yet I have always felt an attachment to it. It wasn't about me, I didn't actually know the circumstances of which the narrator in this poem speaks, but it seemed to all just come to me, like a fiction story that was somehow personal. And a couple of years later, I would play a character who went through these exact circumstances, and this same poem would surface again to help me find her heart. I share it here with you now.

Mary’s Story

So Mary came to me in a dream.
She told me how she lost her virginity.
You wouldn’t believe it unless you heard it.
She lost it to some guy, Doug,
who said she was a pretty girl.

He liked her lips.
She liked the way his hand felt on her cheek.
He said I love you baby.
She said Don’t you tell ok.
And then she was knocked up.
Mary wasn’t allowed to be knocked up you see,
and guess what, she went to
the same Doctor I went to!

But instead of digging into her and yanking it out,
Doctor said,
Mary I’ve got a brilliant idea.
Mary, legs spread open, naked and doped, couldn’t wait to hear this.
Doctor said,
I’m going to make you the mother of a prophet.
I’m going to give you an eternal virginity.
Mary, well she thought this sounded just swell.
But in my dream, just to me,
she confessed that maybe it wasn’t the best idea after all.

See, Doctor didn’t have any brilliant ideas for me.
He just shoved the whole world inside me it seemed,
and then I guess my vagina vomited it all out,
and somewhere in that mess was
my slaughtered baby.

Maybe he could’ve been a prophet too.

Ten Years Ago, or Laly meets Larissa

Since my last post was about my vision of myself in 10 years, it has me thinking of who I was ten years ago as well, and what that version of me wanted me to become, and what she'd say to me now. I decided 14-year-old Larissa and 24-year-old Larissa should meet and have a talk, so I wrote it out, and I used my left hand to write out my younger self's dialogue, since writing with my left hand gets me out of my head and lets that younger me really express herself, and then I replied as myself now, with my right hand. I hope this isn't too confusing. Here it is. I'm calling 14-year-old me by Laly because that was my nickname then, and an appropriate description of who I was as well.

Larissa: Hi, Laly.

Laly: This is kind of odd, I have to say, Larissa.

Larissa: You must think I'm old.

Laly: No, I'm relieved that you don't have pimples and that you're so pretty!

Larissa: You're beautiful. You don't know it yet, but you are.

Laly: People say that all the time. I still wish I was blonde. What happened to your nose? And your boobs?

Larissa: Plastic surgery.

Laly: Oh. Wow. It looks great.

Larissa: It'll hurt.

Laly: I'm afraid of pain.

Larissa: That is still the case.

Laly: Are you an actress?

Larissa: Yes. I am.

Laly: I'm so happy to hear that!

Larissa: You've just played Ophelia, right?

Laly: Yes! Oh my god. I loved it!

Larissa: I know. I still love that memory. You will do a loooot of Shakespeare, honey.

Laly: That's so exciting. So, like, what else have you done?

Larissa: Well, you know that TV show that you're completely obsessed with, Inside The Actor's Studio?

Laly: Yes!

Larissa: Well, I'm just gonna say this: you're going to get a lot closer to it than just watching it on TV!

Laly: Oh my god. Ok. That's amazing. What else? Are you married?

Larissa: (laughs) No, darling. I'm not married. I forgot- you're not a feminist yet. Oh, you're in for a ride. But don't worry, you will love so deeply, and you will be loved just as deeply, and it'll be wonderful. And I'm only 24!

Laly: I think I'm in love now. With two guys.

Larissa: I know. You're going to break both of their hearts. It's ok. Enough people will break your heart later on to make up for it.

Laly: That sounds painful too.

Larissa: It's delicious pain. And it's gonna make you a much better actress.

Laly: Ok. I can live with that. It's really cool seeing you. You seem totally awesome.

Larissa: Hah. Yeah. It's really cool seeing you too. I had forgotten how in love with life you are, how eager you are. How in love with life I am, how eager I am, I should say.

Laly: Well, I'm here to remind you. Always. And can you come by more often to remind me that I'm gonna have clear skin one day and nice boobs and pretty hair?

Larissa: Of course. You won't listen. But I'll try my best. And you should eat more. Your metabolism is really good, eat as much as you want. Diet later in life.

Laly: I'll try to remember that. Oh, and remember that there's nothing more important than integrity in acting. Please don't give in to social pressures, ever.

Larissa: Ok. Thank you for saying that. It's hard, being unemployed most of the time, and wanting people to like you.

Laly: I bet. But we're gonna be ok. I think we're doing really well so far!

Larissa: We are.

Laly: Ok, I gotta go call one of my friends and tell them about this because it's like totally awesome.

Larissa: Go for it! I'm totally posting this on my blog, I think it's amazing to talk to you. Bye for now, darling.

Laly: Bye. Hey, by the way, I'm your biggest fan.

Larissa: I know. And I'm yours.

me at 14 with shahar

me now.

In ten years...

I have been challenged by fellow blogger http://copasetica.blogspot.com to write here about how I see my life ten years from now.

In ten years...

I'm 34, five months away from 35. I love it. I plan a beach trip for my 35th birthday.

I am acting, a lot, in films and plays that I love and that touch people in some way. I am getting paid to act in these beautiful films and plays. I am making a living as an actress and I am loving it. I am playing characters such as Becca in Rabbit Hole, Lizzie in The Respectful Prostitute, Billie in Women of Manhattan, Kat in Dylan, Joyce in Top Girls, Jessie in Night Mother, and many, many more. I am saying something with every project, I am happy with my career. I have worked hard and I am working harder every day, because there's always a new story to tell, and a new set of ears that needs to hear it.

I am involved in some kind of women's movement. Maybe a magazine, or a foundation, or a home, or a theatre company, or a film company, or all of the above! Basically, I am working with women and for women. I will also have either gotten my Ph.D in Women's Studies or am on my way to doing so!

I am still here, blogging, and loving it. Hopefully with more followers, but if not, it's ok. I rather really touch a handful of people than have a thousand readers who retain nothing. I have either published something already or I am in the process of writing something that will get published sometime soon.

I am still in love with cooking, and possibly have done something about it. Say, started some kind of delivery of home-made goodies business, or just planned a regular dinner every thursday night for people I love to eat the food I love making.

I have traveled a lot, I have seen at least ten places I had never seen before, like Iceland, Vietnam, Morocco, South Africa, Russia, Japan, Ireland, and India. I am planning even more trips. I have learned at least one new language really well. Hopefully two.

I have found ways to thank my family, especially my parents, for their love and support through out the years.

I look great. I mean- whoa. I look really great! It's fantastic to be in my 30's! All the yoga and face creams and organic food looks really damn good now. I look beautiful, yes, but because I feel healthy and happy. I am at peace, and it feels amazing.

I am in love. Madly in love and in a committed relationship with a man I have a real, truthful connection with. Someone I can rub my feet on when they get really cold in the middle of the night and he won't question why I don't just put on some socks. Someone I cook for with such joy the food I make seems to smile at us. Someone who wants to go to feminist meetings with me (ok, I know, I'm pushing it... but hey, a girl can dream...) Mainly, someone who holds me but also lets me fly, with love and care.

I think I may have a kid by now, but I actually don't want to predict that, or to predict wanting that. If I am meant to be guiding a precious little soul through this world by now, then I will happily embrace it. If not, then I will embrace whatever other callings life has given me for now.

The essence of all of this is, I am happy, and I am living my dreams and making new ones every day. I feel peaceful, free, successful, and powerful. Life is exciting, and I can't wait to watch the next ten years unfold and continue to reveal to me who I am.

****

If your name is written below, I challenge you to write a blog post about your vision of yourself in ten years as well.

Gugs

Maria

Gabi S.

Deema

Ma N.