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| Moving picture titled "Filthy Ptero Tries to Kidnap a White Woman," circa 1933 (later renamed "King Kong" by the goddamn PC crowd) |
Showing posts with label pteros. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pteros. Show all posts
Thursday, June 7, 2012
A Look Back Into The Weak Thrust Archives: Part 35
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
/spits out coffee
Please be a hoax.
Well, either a hoax or some lame Korean test flight. If aliens are now brazen enough to buzz airplanes then we're closer to an invasion than I thought. I don't have nearly enough guns or anal-eze to survive a full-blown Independence Day invasion.
This could all be a cry for attention, so I'm not ready to jump to conclusions yet.
Then again....
It's officially time to panic. I just hope they're not highly advanced pteros.
Well, either a hoax or some lame Korean test flight. If aliens are now brazen enough to buzz airplanes then we're closer to an invasion than I thought. I don't have nearly enough guns or anal-eze to survive a full-blown Independence Day invasion.
This could all be a cry for attention, so I'm not ready to jump to conclusions yet.
Then again....
It's officially time to panic. I just hope they're not highly advanced pteros.
Monday, March 26, 2012
The future...
At computer store...
Ashley: So does this computer have the Internet downloaded on it?
Saleswoman (rolls eyes): Err... yes. You just have to open Internet Explorer, and...
/Ashley checks blog
Ashley: THERE IS FILTH LIKE THIS ON THE INTERNET!?! WHO ALLOWS PEOPLE TO PUT SUCH RACIST GARBAGE LIKE THIS ON THE WEB!?!
/Ashley storms out
(meanwhile at beNNate HQ...)
Pembry: I thought this thing had the goddamn Internet downloaded on it!
(door flies open...)
Ashley: Have you seen what your friend Brought has been posting on the Internet!
Pembry: 'Friend' is a rather strong word.
Ashley: He has been posting more racist hate speech against dactyls!
Pembry: Now honey, you know I don't share his views. Dactyls have an important role in society, as migrant workers, and janitors, and stuff.
Ashley: Right, and eventually they will lift themselves out of the lower class, a position they are in because of generations of discrimination and exploitation.
Pembry: Right. Sure. Whatever.
Ashley: So what are you going to do about this?
Pembry: Brought?
Ashley: You better do something, mister!
Pembry: Um honey, I'd remind you it's the future. Brought and I have been waging a brutal war against each other that has resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of people. If I had the ability to just kill him, I would have done that ages ago.
Ashley: Well then you should donate money to the Society to Protect Dactyl Rights.
Pembry: Of course honey, let me just write that check.
Ashley: YOU BETTER ADD A WHOLE LOT OF ZEROES TO THAT CHECK MISTER!
/Pembry writes large check
Ashley: Thank you snookums! Now go say goodnight to our daughter.
Pembry (under breath): And not tell her that goddamn dactyl check came from her college fund.
(upstairs)
Pembrina: Dad get out of my room! You're such a loser!
Pembry: Honey, please stop playing with fire. You know that anything involving flammable material or explosives always goes awry in this house.
Pembrina: LEAVE ME ALONE! I SAID GET OUT!
Pembry: One second, honey.
/Pembry grabs broom and puts on infrared goggles.
Pembry: Git!!!!
/Pembry chases Invisibilboes from Pembrina's room
Pembry: Goodnight sweety.
Pembrina: Whatever.
(the next day...)
Pembry: The fuck is a firewall!?!
/Pembry calls Gap
Gap: Y'ello
Pembry: I need you to fix my computer.
Gap: Just buy a Mac!
Pembry: I can't. The goddamn mop made me throw a ton of cash at some dactyl charity.
Gap: (smugly) How progressive of you.
Pembry: I know. I am fine with dactyls. I am not some racist hick.
Gap: Whatever.
Pembry: Listen, are you gonna fix my computer?
Gap: Probably not.
/Gap hangs up phone
(door flies open...)
Pembry: Why are you all dressed up?
Ashley: I reminded you this morning, our daughter is bringing her new boyfriend home for dinner.
Pembry: Oh... right.
/Ashley and Pembry go downstairs
Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrance.
Pterrence: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Pembry, it is so nice to finally meet you.
/Pembry spits out coffee
Pembry: The fuck!?!
Ashley: Pembry!
Pembry: ...
Ashley: It is nice to meet you, Pterrence.
Pembry: ...
(that night...)
Ashley: You were really quiet at dinner.
Pembry: You really want him dating our daughter! He looked like a gang member!
Ashley: He is a national merit scholar! He has a full ride to Brown!
Pembry: He looked like a gang member to me.
Ashley: THAT IS RACIST!
Pembry: I have no problem with pteros! They just better keep their dirty little ptero wings away from my daughter!
Ashley: DONT YOU USE THAT WORD, MISTER!
(Pembry and Ashley fight for hours and then Pembry falls asleep)
(meanwhile, in dream...)
Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrence.
Pterrence: S'up
/Pterrence sips beer
Pembrina: Give me back my bra, Pterrence!
Pterence looks smugly at Pembry
Pterrence: Now I popped both your cherries.
Pembry: You smashed up my car you goddamn ptero!
/Pembry wakes up screaming
Voice: Nightmares?
/Pembry spins around
Pembry: GODDAMMIT! HOW DO YOU GET IN HERE!?!
Brought: Let's not get hung up on that. I believe you need my services.
Pembry: I don't need shit from you.
Brought: Really? So you are fine with having a bunch of ptero grand-kids running around? I mean if so, I'll just go into the bathroom where your wife is showering and congratulate her on her new family.
Pembry: Stay the fuck out of the bathroom!
Brought: So you do need my services.
Pembry: Listen, just keep this quiet, the last thing I need are accusations of racism in the beNNate Syndicate.
Brought: My services are always confidential. Now about compensation...
Pembry: It's fine, I will make the arrangements right away.
Brought: Good... good.
/Brought puts on robe
(the next day...)
Pembrina (crying): daddy, Pterrance's parents called, he didn't come home last night.
Ashley: We are putting up these signs.
Pembry: Well my darlings, I do hope he is OK, but when you hang out with the wrong crowd like he probably did...
Pembrina: I HATE YOU DAD!
/Pembrina runs out crying
/Ashley glares at Pembry
Pembry: So I'm on the couch tonight, right?
(meanwhile near quarry...)
/police officer vomits
Benson: This is the worst hate crime I have sever seen....
Police officer: i didn't know their wings even bent that way.
Stabler: They don't.
(meanwhile back at Brought's evil lair)
Emma: I am the Executive Vice President of beNNate, by the Rules, you cannot touch me.
Bilbo: Oh my sweet sweet Emma, there has been some corporate restructuring. As part of a deal I made with Pembry, you were laid off. But you have a new position in my organization. The benefits are very competitive...
Ashley: So does this computer have the Internet downloaded on it?
Saleswoman (rolls eyes): Err... yes. You just have to open Internet Explorer, and...
/Ashley checks blog
Ashley: THERE IS FILTH LIKE THIS ON THE INTERNET!?! WHO ALLOWS PEOPLE TO PUT SUCH RACIST GARBAGE LIKE THIS ON THE WEB!?!
/Ashley storms out
(meanwhile at beNNate HQ...)
Pembry: I thought this thing had the goddamn Internet downloaded on it!
(door flies open...)
Ashley: Have you seen what your friend Brought has been posting on the Internet!
Pembry: 'Friend' is a rather strong word.
Ashley: He has been posting more racist hate speech against dactyls!
Pembry: Now honey, you know I don't share his views. Dactyls have an important role in society, as migrant workers, and janitors, and stuff.
Ashley: Right, and eventually they will lift themselves out of the lower class, a position they are in because of generations of discrimination and exploitation.
Pembry: Right. Sure. Whatever.
Ashley: So what are you going to do about this?
Pembry: Brought?
Ashley: You better do something, mister!
Pembry: Um honey, I'd remind you it's the future. Brought and I have been waging a brutal war against each other that has resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of people. If I had the ability to just kill him, I would have done that ages ago.
Ashley: Well then you should donate money to the Society to Protect Dactyl Rights.
Pembry: Of course honey, let me just write that check.
Ashley: YOU BETTER ADD A WHOLE LOT OF ZEROES TO THAT CHECK MISTER!
/Pembry writes large check
Ashley: Thank you snookums! Now go say goodnight to our daughter.
Pembry (under breath): And not tell her that goddamn dactyl check came from her college fund.
(upstairs)
Pembrina: Dad get out of my room! You're such a loser!
Pembry: Honey, please stop playing with fire. You know that anything involving flammable material or explosives always goes awry in this house.
Pembrina: LEAVE ME ALONE! I SAID GET OUT!
Pembry: One second, honey.
/Pembry grabs broom and puts on infrared goggles.
Pembry: Git!!!!
/Pembry chases Invisibilboes from Pembrina's room
Pembry: Goodnight sweety.
Pembrina: Whatever.
(the next day...)
Pembry: The fuck is a firewall!?!
/Pembry calls Gap
Gap: Y'ello
Pembry: I need you to fix my computer.
Gap: Just buy a Mac!
Pembry: I can't. The goddamn mop made me throw a ton of cash at some dactyl charity.
Gap: (smugly) How progressive of you.
Pembry: I know. I am fine with dactyls. I am not some racist hick.
Gap: Whatever.
Pembry: Listen, are you gonna fix my computer?
Gap: Probably not.
/Gap hangs up phone
(door flies open...)
Pembry: Why are you all dressed up?
Ashley: I reminded you this morning, our daughter is bringing her new boyfriend home for dinner.
Pembry: Oh... right.
/Ashley and Pembry go downstairs
Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrance.
Pterrence: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Pembry, it is so nice to finally meet you.
/Pembry spits out coffee
Pembry: The fuck!?!
Ashley: Pembry!
Pembry: ...
Ashley: It is nice to meet you, Pterrence.
Pembry: ...
(that night...)
Ashley: You were really quiet at dinner.
Pembry: You really want him dating our daughter! He looked like a gang member!
Ashley: He is a national merit scholar! He has a full ride to Brown!
Pembry: He looked like a gang member to me.
Ashley: THAT IS RACIST!
Pembry: I have no problem with pteros! They just better keep their dirty little ptero wings away from my daughter!
Ashley: DONT YOU USE THAT WORD, MISTER!
(Pembry and Ashley fight for hours and then Pembry falls asleep)
(meanwhile, in dream...)
Pembrina: Dad, meet my boyfriend Pterrence.
Pterrence: S'up
/Pterrence sips beer
Pembrina: Give me back my bra, Pterrence!
Pterence looks smugly at Pembry
Pterrence: Now I popped both your cherries.
Pembry: You smashed up my car you goddamn ptero!
/Pembry wakes up screaming
Voice: Nightmares?
/Pembry spins around
Pembry: GODDAMMIT! HOW DO YOU GET IN HERE!?!
Brought: Let's not get hung up on that. I believe you need my services.
Pembry: I don't need shit from you.
Brought: Really? So you are fine with having a bunch of ptero grand-kids running around? I mean if so, I'll just go into the bathroom where your wife is showering and congratulate her on her new family.
Pembry: Stay the fuck out of the bathroom!
Brought: So you do need my services.
Pembry: Listen, just keep this quiet, the last thing I need are accusations of racism in the beNNate Syndicate.
Brought: My services are always confidential. Now about compensation...
Pembry: It's fine, I will make the arrangements right away.
Brought: Good... good.
/Brought puts on robe
(the next day...)
Pembrina (crying): daddy, Pterrance's parents called, he didn't come home last night.
Ashley: We are putting up these signs.
Pembry: Well my darlings, I do hope he is OK, but when you hang out with the wrong crowd like he probably did...
Pembrina: I HATE YOU DAD!
/Pembrina runs out crying
/Ashley glares at Pembry
Pembry: So I'm on the couch tonight, right?
(meanwhile near quarry...)
/police officer vomits
Benson: This is the worst hate crime I have sever seen....
Police officer: i didn't know their wings even bent that way.
Stabler: They don't.
(meanwhile back at Brought's evil lair)
Emma: I am the Executive Vice President of beNNate, by the Rules, you cannot touch me.
Bilbo: Oh my sweet sweet Emma, there has been some corporate restructuring. As part of a deal I made with Pembry, you were laid off. But you have a new position in my organization. The benefits are very competitive...
Friday, March 23, 2012
Breaking!
In lieu of my usual friday post "Songs We Used to Love," I must bring you breaking news(-ish). Word of Ptero behavior has stretched far and wide, even making it into the universe of Doctor Who. Thank goodness that unlike Pembry, the Doctor's world does not underestimate the uncontrollability of that filthy species. See the evidence below:
Anyone who disregards such warnings should be punished by death.
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