Thursday, May 17, 2012

News Flash: A Raptor Would Fucking Destroy Batman

While monitoring velociraptor developments online, I came across a website that featured a sculpture of Batman fighting a velociraptor.



 The hack who created this misleadingly portrays this as a fair fight.  It gets even worse when one sees the drawing that it is based on:



Are you kidding me? Fucking batman wouldn't stand a chance against a raptor.  Let's look at facts.

1. This art shows Batman fighting one raptor.  So maybe this art is accurate.  No, not because Batman could beat a single raptor.  As in it depicts one raptor playing with his food, i.e. distracting the stupid Caped Crusader.  Try to imagine Batman sparring with this raptor. The raptor moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And Batman keeps still because he thinks that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex - he'll lose Batman if Batman doesn't move. But no, not velociraptor. Batman stares at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two raptors Batman didn't even know were there.  Because velociraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at Batman with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite Batman's jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at him here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling his intestines. The point is... Batman is alive when they start to eat him. So you know... try to show a little respect.

But fine, let's give Batman the slight advantage of fighting a single raptor one on one.  It wouldn't make the slightest difference.  The raptor would still kill him easily.  I shall continue with more indisputable facts.

2. Batman has trouble with fucking dogs.   One the list of tough animals, man's best friend isn't very high on the list.  Hell, my favorite NFL quarterback slaughters those little bitches by the dozen.  But Batman got beat to shit by dogs in The Dark Knight. So he clearly stands no chance against the world's greatest predator.*  Now, some Batman apologist might counter that Batman got new armor after he got beat to shit by dogs that was dog-resistant.


* - As opposed to the world's greatest sexual predator (see below)


3.   But as Red from Shawshank Redemption points out, the modifications to his new suit make him vulnerable to knives.  You know what's more dangerous than a knife?  A raptor talon. 

  

 Of which a raptor has several.  A raptor would just gauge Batman's eyes out and it would be over.  But say it wanted to toy with him.  It would still take a raptor no time at all find weak spots in his armor.  They would test it systematically,  They would never attack the same place twice.  They remember.

4. Batman refuses to use lethal force.  You can be a world class hunter and have an awesome rifle and it still doesn't matter.  


You want to know how to make a fight with a raptor even less fair?  Take a guy who refuses to kill his opponent.  You know what happened the last time humans tried non-lethal force against raptors?  They tried some cattle prods and that didn't work too well for this poor sap.




5. Raptors have a better resume.  Batman barely took down Heath Ledger.  The fucking Olsen twins succeeded where Batman failed.  You know who raptors killed?



Just looking at that gif terrifies me.  Sam Jackson is one of the baddest men alive.  But raptors easily killed Sam Jackson and then carefully placed his arm in a way that it would trick that bitch who sort of looks like Helen Hunt, just for laughs.  The list of other things that killed Sam Jackson is pretty damn small.  A fucking hybrid super sharks (who only accomplished it in a sneak attack) and Emperor Palpatine and Vader (teaming up on him). Raptors are on a pretty prestigious list.

6. Batman's greatest asset is a much bigger asset for raptors.  Batman's biggest advantage against his opponents is his stealth.  Too bad raptors pretty much dominate the sneak attack method. 



(the footage is so shitty because raptors killed everyone who uploaded the HD version onto YouTube... raptors fucking hate copyright infringement)

So in summary, a raptor would wreck Batman.  Just utterly destroy him.  And anyone who says differently is a ruhtard.  An effeminate ruhtard  one on roller skates.



No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...