Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Almost 10 years ago now, wow I am getting old, I sat in the draft green room with a handful of guys about to go in the top 5 of the NBA Draft. I talked with them about how cool it would be if they could choose their team instead of the current format. About how it could be like college or AAU ball where the best guys could just team up. After rookie years full of frustrations on bad teams, a few of these young men came back to me and asked how it might be possible to map out a strategy to team up. I put in countless hours carefully scripting a plan. Sign your extensions now, I said, and sacrifice the present for the future. Make sure you all align your opt-outs, I said, and have your agents subtly hint that you'll all be free agents at the same time, so teams can plan ahead. Then something amazing happened. One of the three won a ring. Another became the best all-court player in the NBA. And the last began to resemble some freaked-out alien thing. So I say to the best one, hey, look, this is your one circus tour. Pretend to like everyone and tease fanbases everywhere. Then, just when people think they are sick of your act, schedule an hour-long special about where you are going and be sure to make it all about you. Then, once you have really offended an entire nation, be sure that you, your champion friend and your alien friend stage a Wrestlemania-like entrance with your new team where you make promises that you can't possibly live up to. I thought, hey, if I can make this happen, imagine what the Knicks will pay me! And they did. A lot, because Jimmy Dolan is a fucking idiot. Then I completely fucked him with a shit team whose face-of-the-franchise has become some filthy Asian. Ha! Stupid fucking Knicks, where's your precious Jon Starks now!?! Faaaaags!" -Brought

That's it, no more WCW. Time for Real Confession Wednesday. The zombies are here and they're slowly taking over. Bilbo has been talking all kinds of shit about killing zombies, men, women, and children. First off, the kid doesn't even own a gun, and even if he did, I've seen him shoot. He's a fucking horrible shot. He's short, old, and waaaay weaker than he used to be. At one point I was making him get drunk, shoot guns AND lift weights. Maybe and that's a big MAYBE he'd have been able to mow down some zombies back then. Current Bilbo would get eaten before his wife, and that's because she's smart enough to toss him at the zombies while he's fumbling around with his car keys. News flash: that car's a heap and wouldn't have started anyway. Enjoy being zombie chow. Don't worry, ever since all this shit started happening I've been growing a beard. Women instinctively flock to a man with a beard in times of danger, just ask Mr. Horse. That man had(has?) a beard so majestic that women literally traveled thousands of miles for his protection, and sex...mostly sex. Turd is incapable of growing a beard, but luckily he has enough money to hire a man with a beard to protect (lovingly sex) his wife. Tommy Jarvis can grow a beard but it comes in all reddish blonde. Nobody can respect a man with a clown wig on his face. No, you need a jetblack beard and it has to be coarse to the touch. When I give Viv a kiss on the cheek she screams in agony and pulls her face away. It's typically bleeding and full of holes. I usually say something cool like, "thanks for being so beardy, Mr. Beard." Then I strut off while she sprints for the iodine and witch hazel. Pembry can't grow a beard either, but he's smart enough to convince me that he's good at killing zombies even without a beard... -Gap