Zombies Schmombies

I have been laughing, as I picture Gap sitting in front of his computer, in an alcohol-fueled paranoid rage, as he reads story after story on the Internet foretelling the coming zombie apocalypse.  But to that I say... "meh."  Zombies aren't really a threat.  Sure, they will probably kill a lot of us but at the end of the day, they can't end humanity.  Our military would destroy zombies.  Zombies could never overtake our military, or really any military, it is simply impossible.  Let's assume that these are your standard zombies that must bite their victims to spread their zombie-ness.  Because if the disease is airborne then all bets are off.  But an airborne disease that causes zombies would be no worse than an airborne super flu or super-contagious Ebola.  Both would wipe out the human population, and quite frankly, I would much prefer a disease that makes me commit violent acts and cannibalism over one that just liquifies my organs until I vomit out my own intestines and suffer miserably until the feverish hallucinations make the pain go away.  Eating brains sounds way better then that disease from Outbreak.  So if we assume zombies need to bite, our military would destroy them.  They could mow them down with machine guns, they wouldn't  even have to use our even more vastly superior military technology.  Because zombies are dumb and they can't coordinate or strategize in a sophisticated way and they don't use weapons.  Need a reminder to what a military can do do an angry horde?  Ask Syria.  Think of what our military did to the Iraqi Republican Guard, and those were highly trained soldiers with tanks and significant fire power.  Zombies are ruhtards who just run blindly at their prey, oblivious to everything.  Hell, just put some cow carcasses behind a heavily electrified fence and you basically just created a giant zombie bug zapper.  Or just do the same thing and draw them into an open area and bomb the shit out of them.  Zombies are writing checks that their brains can't cash.  We will beat back the zombie hordes.  So yeah the zombies will still kill those of us who aren't lucky enough to be protected by the military but as they rip me limb from limb, I will just laugh smugly, knowing that their comeuppance is coming.  But it doesn't matter because we have a much bigger problem.  What's that you ask?



I am really getting sick and tired of these goddamn scientists pushing the ethical bounds and creating more and more advanced killer robots.  WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP IT!  YOU SCIENTISTS ARE ALL NERDS SO I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN ALL THE SCIENCE FICTION DEPICTING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HUMANITY'S HUBRIS CREATES ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!  So what are these goddamn scientists doing now?  They have created a robot that is capable of building its own tools to accomplish its tasks.  I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS!  Fucking robots that can create tools!?!   Today it is "rudimentary cups to transport water."  Tomorrow it will be "laser guns to destroy our human masters."  Jesus Christ, everyone knows that creating and using tools is the milestone for dominance of the planet.  A few hundred thousand years ago, fucking saber-tooth tigers were at the top of the food chain and they absolutely loved eating apes.  Then the apes learned how to make tools and started calling themselves humans and saber tooth tigers are extinct, along with a million other species that got in the way of our expansion plans.  So way to go scientists teach the cold, calculating robots how to make tools.  I'll be over here trying to appease our soon to be new robot masters by writing a erotic robot apocalypse  skit.