Monday Morning Thoughts

Oh my, what a  weekend. Went down and celebrated buddy's 30th birthday party on Saturday, which was lovely. I forgot how loud bars are though. It was really hard to hear what everyone was saying. I just kept asking everyone to repeat themselves until I gave up and started chugging beer. I think I need was of those old timey ear cone things.

I went to see Dark Knight Rises twice in  a 24 hour span too, which was nice. It's bittersweet for me though. The first time I sat there almost depressed that this was the last Nolan/Bale Batman I was ever going to get to see. As always, they did a wonderful job pulling the story from the comics and adapting it for the screen. Although, at this point, those aren't really superhero movies. I'd say they're more like crime dramas or something. Comparing that to Spiderman or The Avengers is like apples and oranges. There's a dark tone throughout the movie and it takes itself very seriously. I'm very curious as to what they would've done had Heath survived. While Bane is the villain in Batman's greatest story, The Joker is and always has been Batman's greatest foe. The two could never coexist in one movie, so it would've been really interesting to see what he'd have done. Spoilers after the jump!




The wonderful thing about Bane is that he is Batman's physical and intellectual equal, some would argue his superior. You never get to see that with other Batman villains. There's something about watching Batman confront someone he realizes he cannot beat. Bale does a phenomenal job conveying the despair he feels in his first battle with Bane. It's basically what The Matrix tries to capture with Agent Smith and Neo, but it never works, because two of those films were terrible. You always want to pull for a hero that knows he cannot win, but persists anyway.

Catwoman was great in the movie, and I'm not just saying that because I want to bury my wang between Anne Hathaway's cans and go to town. This was the truest adaptation of her from the comics. She is a two dimensional character in the comics, so it's really hard to give her a deep storyline. Nolan did a great job sprinkling her in. She's selfish but she has a good heart and she's essentially a femme fatale. It was masterfully done.

I'm not here to argue weak points of the film. I've read a few reviews where people bash the predictability of the film...Um, good typically triumphs over evil...what the fuck did you think was going to happen in the end? The bomb goes off and levels Gotham? You're stupid. All of the other minor gripes were the length of the film (I wish it would've been longer) and other lamer shit. I don't really take minor plot holes into consideration either. A certain amount of willful suspension of disbelief has to be made with every movie, so just deal with it...

And now, Tom Hardy. What a lovely man. Excellent casting as Bane. He was basically unable to use half of his face, so his use of body language was phenomenal. They also did a great job shooting it in such a way that he seems much larger than Batman. In the comics, Bane hulks over everyone.

Robin. Oh Robin. Everyone hates Robin. Fun Fact: DC comics had a poll for the fans to decide what happens to Robin in one of their storylines. He was captured by The Joker and the fans voted on what was going to happen to him. They chose to have The Joker kill him. It was a landslide. All that aside, Robin Blake in this was great. There have been many Robins, this one was supposed to Tim Drake, I believe. Now, my assumption is that he actually takes up the mantle of the bat, and does not actually become Robin.

The war for Gotham finale was just tremendous too. Such a great way for Batman to hand the city back to the citizens and be remembered as a hero. I think the movie would've been more powerful had he died and been "carried back on his shield", but I'm happy that he lived and started a new life. It's a fitting end that is uplifting and appropriate for the trilogy's conclusion.

My final note about the film is Talia al Ghul. There's way to much history between her and Batman to really get into (They fucked and she had Batman's kid!). I do like that everything came back to Ra's, The League of Shadows and the destruction of Gotham. Trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something new, and Nolan did a fantastic job with that.

It's almost here!

The thrilling conclusion to what will go down as the best movie trilogy of all-time! BATMAN!

No, Batman! It's BANE this time! Granted, he's no Joker, but he'll do just fine. I mean, Bane was the main villain in the greatest Batman graphic novel series ever: Knightfall. Those of you that haven't read this should sprint to the nearest store where books are sold and fucking buy them. Oh, they don't make book stores anymore? Well, just go fucking download it then! Based on the previews, the majority of Dark Knight Rises is pulled from those pages. That makes me so fucking happy!

RE: Jimbo not doing his homework.

You poor fool. Batman has already faced an entire island comprised of dinosaurs.

It's funny because I caught this rerun a few weeks ago. I believe it actually started out as robotic dinosaurs in the original comics, but it has since changed into actual dinosaurs. Batman had his hands full, but he beat those filthy beasts with the help of his superior intellect and billion dollar gadgets. Everyone always forgets the gadgets. It's an ever-changing array in his utility belt. Usually based on the character he is fighting. When he goes to Metropolis, he brings kryptonite because he's afraid Superman may go off his rocker and try to destroy the planet. He has anti-venom when he fight Poison Ivy, Subzero batsuit when he fights Mr. Freeze, and the list goes on. It's his preparation that allows him to best most of his foes. Know thy enemy...

I mean, I guess it's possible Batman wouldn't be prepared to face them if he had a stroke or something before heading out to fight the dinosaurs...Odds are he'd forget some gadgets if that happened. 

Bottom line: That artist's painting is completely inaccurate. Batman isn't foolish enough to get into a fist fight with a dinosaur. He's the World's Greatest Detective, not the World's Greatest Detective Eaten by Dinosaurs.

News Flash: A Raptor Would Fucking Destroy Batman

While monitoring velociraptor developments online, I came across a website that featured a sculpture of Batman fighting a velociraptor.

 

 The hack who created this misleadingly portrays this as a fair fight.  It gets even worse when one sees the drawing that it is based on:

Are you kidding me? Fucking batman wouldn't stand a chance against a raptor.  Let's look at facts.

1. This art shows Batman fighting one raptor.  So maybe this art is accurate.  No, not because Batman could beat a single raptor.  As in it depicts one raptor playing with his food, i.e. distracting the stupid Caped Crusader.  Try to imagine Batman sparring with this raptor. The raptor moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And Batman keeps still because he thinks that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex - he'll lose Batman if Batman doesn't move. But no, not velociraptor. Batman stares at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two raptors Batman didn't even know were there.  Because velociraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at Batman with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite Batman's jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at him here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling his intestines. The point is... Batman is alive when they start to eat him. So you know... try to show a little respect.

But fine, let's give Batman the slight advantage of fighting a single raptor one on one.  It wouldn't make the slightest difference.  The raptor would still kill him easily.  I shall continue with more indisputable facts.

2. Batman has trouble with fucking dogs.   One the list of tough animals, man's best friend isn't very high on the list.  Hell, my favorite NFL quarterback slaughters those little bitches by the dozen.  But Batman got beat to shit by dogs in The Dark Knight. So he clearly stands no chance against the world's greatest predator.*  Now, some Batman apologist might counter that Batman got new armor after he got beat to shit by dogs that was dog-resistant.


* - As opposed to the world's greatest sexual predator (see below)

3.   But as Red from Shawshank Redemption points out, the modifications to his new suit make him vulnerable to knives.  You know what's more dangerous than a knife?  A raptor talon. 

  

 Of which a raptor has several.  A raptor would just gauge Batman's eyes out and it would be over.  But say it wanted to toy with him.  It would still take a raptor no time at all find weak spots in his armor.  They would test it systematically,  They would never attack the same place twice.  They remember.

4. Batman refuses to use lethal force.  You can be a world class hunter and have an awesome rifle and it still doesn't matter.  

You want to know how to make a fight with a raptor even less fair?  Take a guy who refuses to kill his opponent.  You know what happened the last time humans tried non-lethal force against raptors?  They tried some cattle prods and that didn't work too well for this poor sap.

5. Raptors have a better resume.  Batman barely took down Heath Ledger.  The fucking Olsen twins succeeded where Batman failed.  You know who raptors killed?



Just looking at that gif terrifies me.  Sam Jackson is one of the baddest men alive.  But raptors easily killed Sam Jackson and then carefully placed his arm in a way that it would trick that bitch who sort of looks like Helen Hunt, just for laughs.  The list of other things that killed Sam Jackson is pretty damn small.  A fucking hybrid super sharks (who only accomplished it in a sneak attack) and Emperor Palpatine and Vader (teaming up on him). Raptors are on a pretty prestigious list.

6. Batman's greatest asset is a much bigger asset for raptors.  Batman's biggest advantage against his opponents is his stealth.  Too bad raptors pretty much dominate the sneak attack method. 



(the footage is so shitty because raptors killed everyone who uploaded the HD version onto YouTube... raptors fucking hate copyright infringement)

So in summary, a raptor would wreck Batman.  Just utterly destroy him.  And anyone who says differently is a ruhtard.  An effeminate ruhtard  one on roller skates.

Major Homer

As I mentioned in my MMT, The Dark Knight Rises is quickly approaching. I'm fucking ecstatic to see Nolan's epic conclusion to this masterpiece. There are a few things that really set this franchise apart from other superhero movies.

At the heart of it you have Batman. Some would argue that he's not even a real superhero. I would agree. He's a haunted man trying to avenge his parents' murder. You could argue that he's trying to prevent what happened to him from happening to anyone else, but that's ridiculous. It's vengeance for the pain he feels, plain and simple.

The fact that he isn't a real superhero is arguably one of his greatest traits. It's what draws you in, knowing that he can be on the losing end of a fight. Hell, he could be killed at just about any moment. He knows this and yet he persists. It's amazing. I've read dozens of comics where he is on the losing end. He's watched loved ones dies, been broken, and yet he finds a way to continue. It is that aspect of his mythology that is lost on other superheros. Shit like that never happens to Superman or Ironman (yeah, when he puts on the suit, he's a fucking superhero.). Sure, they face adversity, but you always know everything will work out in the end.

Nolan recognizes all of this and has done a beautiful job putting it on the big screen. I love the fact that he refuses to do another Batman film after this (along with Bale). Anything can happen. Batman could prevail, or he could die fighting Bane. It could be Reservoir Dogs before this thing is over.

Free BeeSting!

Why's he running, Dad?

Because we have to chase him.

He didn't do anything wrong.

Because he's the hero Michigan deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.