Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Sometimes I wish I had become a hitman. I mean, I'm pretty good at my normal job, but I am GREAT at killing people. Yeah, it's never a clean or honorable death, but I don't get caught! Plus I just have so much fun doing it. I know people always say 'If you're good at something, make someone pay you to do it,' but come on, with something so fun I'd go crazy waiting for someone to offer me money for such services. Plus no one is paying big bucks to knock off a hobo or some street walker with no family. Also, the customer would probably frown upon my post-mortem antics. And once they paid me, I'd totally frame them for it anyways, just to keep the cops off my trail. Man, I'd be a terrible hitman." -Brought


I used to run a real classy massage parlor out in LA. Top notch service, an excellent staff and competitive prices. Then, this fucking beat-off shop moved in right next door and started giving tuggers to everyone that went there. It was nearly impossible to compete with them. I mean, you could come to us, get a great massage and be on your way, or you could pay less, get a massage, get jerked off, and watch Swordfish. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?!?!?! We had to close our doors withing three months of that tug shop opening up. I'll never forgive Jimbo for opening that thing. -Gap

So I have been running this little rub and tug shop out in L.A.  Unlike many of the establishments that use Asian girls, I abduct and sex traffick young Eastern European women.  They are just as cheap (you don't have to pay sex slaves) and it gets you a much higher class clientele.  It's also a great way to mingle with Hollywood's elite, many of whom are my VIP customers.  One day my old friend James Cameron was in and we were chatting it up while "Sasha" was giving him an old fashioned.  I says to James, "Jimmy you got to go with your gut, and if your gut tells you more Avatar movies then you need to focus on those and nothing else".  After James finished and left I got to thinking.  Remotely inserting your consciousness into a member of the native population is the perfect way to exploit the local population and steal from them.  So using my 5head Scientists I remotely inserted my consciousness into a young Ukrainian women and then using her body I headed off to Eastern Europe to collect more girls for my shop.  Well while I was over a nice man offered me a job in America to be a maid.  I thought this was the perfect way to make an extra bit of cash for the holidays so I agreed to get in his van.  Well talk about fucking ironic, but apparently that was a trap and I was sex trafficked into the United States.  Now I am stuck in some shady massage parlor and am forced to give HJs to men in Hollywood.  God I hope they don't class this place up and start offering BJs. -Pembry