The Pro Football Hall of Fame Reviewed

Pembry loves him some pro football and he loves him some American history.  So he particularly enjoyed his trip last week to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Sucktown Canton, Ohio.  Here are some highlights.

Philly Super Bowl(ish) Champs!



Speaking of no Super Bowls...

The fuck is that thing?  According to the placard, it is an old timey noseguard that very few if any players ever wore.  So let me get this straight.  You put in the Hall of Fame an artifact that has little to no connection to football's actual history?  Basically, someone found that thing stored in some warehouse and thought it looked creepy and decided to just toss it in a display case.  Hell, just give the mannaquin a knife penis while you are at it...

Help me Obi Wan Kanobi.  You're my only hope.


Now as much as I enjoy football and history, the things I love even more are hubris, smugness, and trolling.  And there was plenty of that abound in the "Other Leagues" room.  For background, the Pro Football Hall of Fame is pretty small.  Yet, in spite of their lack of space, they have an entire large room dedicated to the pro football leagues that tried to challenge the NFL and failed miserably.

 

And the room is not a respectful homage to these leagues, rather it smugly describes how each one tried to challenge the bohemeth that is the NFL and then crashed and burned.  Like smugly describing how the players in one league almost sat out of the championship because their paychecks for the past couple months had bounced.  Or describing how the commissioner of one league was a convicted felon. It goes through each league and describes how it was a terrible failure and quickly tanked.  The entire room is a shrine to smugness and I think I could have spent hours in there.  My favorite part:  They go through all these different failed leagues yet not a single mention of the XFL. It's like tthe NFL is trying to play it off like they didn't even know that league ever existed.  That is some great smug right there.  U mad XFL?

This Hits A Little Too Close To Home

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Zombies Schmombies

I have been laughing, as I picture Gap sitting in front of his computer, in an alcohol-fueled paranoid rage, as he reads story after story on the Internet foretelling the coming zombie apocalypse.  But to that I say... "meh."  Zombies aren't really a threat.  Sure, they will probably kill a lot of us but at the end of the day, they can't end humanity.  Our military would destroy zombies.  Zombies could never overtake our military, or really any military, it is simply impossible.  Let's assume that these are your standard zombies that must bite their victims to spread their zombie-ness.  Because if the disease is airborne then all bets are off.  But an airborne disease that causes zombies would be no worse than an airborne super flu or super-contagious Ebola.  Both would wipe out the human population, and quite frankly, I would much prefer a disease that makes me commit violent acts and cannibalism over one that just liquifies my organs until I vomit out my own intestines and suffer miserably until the feverish hallucinations make the pain go away.  Eating brains sounds way better then that disease from Outbreak.  So if we assume zombies need to bite, our military would destroy them.  They could mow them down with machine guns, they wouldn't  even have to use our even more vastly superior military technology.  Because zombies are dumb and they can't coordinate or strategize in a sophisticated way and they don't use weapons.  Need a reminder to what a military can do do an angry horde?  Ask Syria.  Think of what our military did to the Iraqi Republican Guard, and those were highly trained soldiers with tanks and significant fire power.  Zombies are ruhtards who just run blindly at their prey, oblivious to everything.  Hell, just put some cow carcasses behind a heavily electrified fence and you basically just created a giant zombie bug zapper.  Or just do the same thing and draw them into an open area and bomb the shit out of them.  Zombies are writing checks that their brains can't cash.  We will beat back the zombie hordes.  So yeah the zombies will still kill those of us who aren't lucky enough to be protected by the military but as they rip me limb from limb, I will just laugh smugly, knowing that their comeuppance is coming.  But it doesn't matter because we have a much bigger problem.  What's that you ask?



I am really getting sick and tired of these goddamn scientists pushing the ethical bounds and creating more and more advanced killer robots.  WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP IT!  YOU SCIENTISTS ARE ALL NERDS SO I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN ALL THE SCIENCE FICTION DEPICTING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HUMANITY'S HUBRIS CREATES ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!  So what are these goddamn scientists doing now?  They have created a robot that is capable of building its own tools to accomplish its tasks.  I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS!  Fucking robots that can create tools!?!   Today it is "rudimentary cups to transport water."  Tomorrow it will be "laser guns to destroy our human masters."  Jesus Christ, everyone knows that creating and using tools is the milestone for dominance of the planet.  A few hundred thousand years ago, fucking saber-tooth tigers were at the top of the food chain and they absolutely loved eating apes.  Then the apes learned how to make tools and started calling themselves humans and saber tooth tigers are extinct, along with a million other species that got in the way of our expansion plans.  So way to go scientists teach the cold, calculating robots how to make tools.  I'll be over here trying to appease our soon to be new robot masters by writing a erotic robot apocalypse  skit.

God. Dammit.

I was starting to suspect that scientists were up to no good, when they didn't immediately fix Peyton Manning's neck. What could possibly be more important than that? What could possibly be keeping you preoccupied?



Jesus, what is it now?



Wow, that was an incredibly dull way to explain how you have doomed humanity. You built a robot that can rebuild itself? Basically, we are now five years away from this?


Liquid Metal TERMINATOR video 3 by webmaster63

And the fact that the embedding was blocked for every goddamn Youtube video of the liquid terminator scene, forcing me to use that above video with its goddamn ads only confirms in my mind that the robots are up to no good. Evil SOPA-robot alliance!!!!!!