Too Bad No One Invented Warlord Pembry Bullets

(door flies open)

Ah, the Henderson family.  Holed up in your home.  You thought ahead and bought lots of canned goods before the mad rushes and rioting started and you have been able to survive, hiding in your basement while the zombies overran the neighborhood and killed everyone else.  How very fortunate for you.  However, my men here are going to be taking this food.  Not fair you say?

/orders men to shoot oldest son

There, now you have one less mouth to feed.  No men, shoot him in the head again, we don't need this one coming back.  Anyway, as I was saying, we are going to be taking your food.  Consider it a tax.  As payment for me protecting your daughters.  You look confused.  No, they will be coming with us.  My men get antsy when there are no women around.  These girls will help the men de-stress after a long day of slaughtering zombies and rape and pillage.  Men, grab the girls.  I know mom, this is terrible and I can appreciate your sorrow, but please don't cry.  At least they won't be eaten by zombies.  OK men, let's head out.  Shoot anything that moves outside.  Zombie or not, who cares.

/pats oldest Henderson daughter on head

God, this world was made for me!

/tries to call Gap to smugly brag

Oh shit, that's right, the cell phone networks are down.

No so smug now, are you Jimbo?

Zombie bullets!

Yes, these are real. Yes, I've already ordered 10,000 boxes of the .45 cal and 50,000 boxes of the 12 gauge. Feel free to come cower behind my awesomeness when the zombies finally start to overrun this lame planet. I'll be shooting holes in everything. You and Bilbo can be my cheerleaders. I'll need something catchy to keep me motivated as I blow though zombie after zombie.

/spits out Dornish wine

Fine, so the zombie virus has now reached our doorstep.  I am still not that scared of those slow, dumb motherfuckers.  It's not like they have some ancient demonic enemy directing them, some nearly unstoppable force that lied dormant for thousands of years and has now awoken to destroy the word of men.  Because I mean yeah if that was the case then we would be totally fucked.

(door flies open)

/cries

/throws lot in with robots

The Zombie Upside

Listen Brought, if aliens invade, there is no use even worrying about it, we have no chance of survival.  Your best hope is that you are one of the humans they take up to get anal probed, rather than just killed with the masses.

To be clear I fucking hate zombies.  On the other hand, I feel like I would really soar in society destroyed by zombies.  In the anarchy that ensued as society broke down, certain individuals would emerge to become corrupt warlords, like this Governor character in Walking Dead next season.  And if there is one thing I am good at, it's getting elected into leadership positions and then exploiting my office.  I am on board with zombie anarchy if it means I can send packs of armed men to ravage the countryside, striking even more terror into the hearts of the poor people already pushed to the brink by zombie hordes.  Yeah I will mourn the loss of my loved ones... by burying my face into the sweet sweet bosoms of my harem girls and crying.  Or taking out my frustration by making two peasants fight to the death for a chunk of bread.

Yeah this is a zombie's world out there.  But it's also Warlord Pembry's world.

But when the robots come?  Aint no one gonna exploit that shit, robots gon' kill errybody up in here.

You shot the zombie Flanders!

Well Jimbo, I'm glad you're totally on board with the anti-robots and A.I. bullshit that these nerdy fucks keep creating. What are you trying to do, wipe us off the face of the Earth, ya jackasses?!?!??!

I've been screaming about this shit for a while now.

Quite a while.

Perhaps long enough to annoy....

So, it's nice we can hate the same stuff.

Although, I really think you should get on the anti-zombie movement with me too. Being ripped apart by zombies is not cool. I'd rather be strapped to a Matrix. At least the majority of people aren't aware they're in the Matrix. Everyone would be aware of their appendages being torn from their body and their intestines being devoured. The military is only gonna do so much. Odds are they'd kill more non infected people than infected. God forbid they just mail it in and quarantine us, like those lousy English bastards did in 28 days later. There would be nothing more horrific than knowing your government gave up and just locked you in with the zombies...You're gonna run outta ammunition, food, and hope real soon. Then you and your loved ones will be ripped to shreds.All because you didn't take the zombie problem seriously. Take matters into your own hands, dammit! Stop waiting for someone else to shoot something for  you!

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Almost 10 years ago now, wow I am getting old, I sat in the draft green room with a handful of guys about to go in the top 5 of the NBA Draft. I talked with them about how cool it would be if they could choose their team instead of the current format. About how it could be like college or AAU ball where the best guys could just team up. After rookie years full of frustrations on bad teams, a few of these young men came back to me and asked how it might be possible to map out a strategy to team up. I put in countless hours carefully scripting a plan. Sign your extensions now, I said, and sacrifice the present for the future. Make sure you all align your opt-outs, I said, and have your agents subtly hint that you'll all be free agents at the same time, so teams can plan ahead. Then something amazing happened. One of the three won a ring. Another became the best all-court player in the NBA. And the last began to resemble some freaked-out alien thing. So I say to the best one, hey, look, this is your one circus tour. Pretend to like everyone and tease fanbases everywhere. Then, just when people think they are sick of your act, schedule an hour-long special about where you are going and be sure to make it all about you. Then, once you have really offended an entire nation, be sure that you, your champion friend and your alien friend stage a Wrestlemania-like entrance with your new team where you make promises that you can't possibly live up to. I thought, hey, if I can make this happen, imagine what the Knicks will pay me! And they did. A lot, because Jimmy Dolan is a fucking idiot. Then I completely fucked him with a shit team whose face-of-the-franchise has become some filthy Asian. Ha! Stupid fucking Knicks, where's your precious Jon Starks now!?! Faaaaags!" -Brought

That's it, no more WCW. Time for Real Confession Wednesday. The zombies are here and they're slowly taking over. Bilbo has been talking all kinds of shit about killing zombies, men, women, and children. First off, the kid doesn't even own a gun, and even if he did, I've seen him shoot. He's a fucking horrible shot. He's short, old, and waaaay weaker than he used to be. At one point I was making him get drunk, shoot guns AND lift weights. Maybe and that's a big MAYBE he'd have been able to mow down some zombies back then. Current Bilbo would get eaten before his wife, and that's because she's smart enough to toss him at the zombies while he's fumbling around with his car keys. News flash: that car's a heap and wouldn't have started anyway. Enjoy being zombie chow. Don't worry, ever since all this shit started happening I've been growing a beard. Women instinctively flock to a man with a beard in times of danger, just ask Mr. Horse. That man had(has?) a beard so majestic that women literally traveled thousands of miles for his protection, and sex...mostly sex. Turd is incapable of growing a beard, but luckily he has enough money to hire a man with a beard to protect (lovingly sex) his wife. Tommy Jarvis can grow a beard but it comes in all reddish blonde. Nobody can respect a man with a clown wig on his face. No, you need a jetblack beard and it has to be coarse to the touch. When I give Viv a kiss on the cheek she screams in agony and pulls her face away. It's typically bleeding and full of holes. I usually say something cool like, "thanks for being so beardy, Mr. Beard." Then I strut off while she sprints for the iodine and witch hazel. Pembry can't grow a beard either, but he's smart enough to convince me that he's good at killing zombies even without a beard... -Gap

What. The. Fuck?

I've been getting more and more worried about this shit.

I may talk a big game, but I'm scared shitless of something like this happening.

It's starts so slowly, people don't notice it until they're knee-deep in fucking zombies.

Hell, for all we know, it's a government conspiracy. The government has been experimenting on the population for decades. Manufactured viruses, chemical warfare, the evidence is all right there, baby.

We could be in the middle of a zombie outbreak now and the government is frantically trying to contain it.

Christ, I wish I was a bike messenger in London.




HELLO? HELLO!? ANYBODY?