Oops

Well they finally released the name of the guy that was molesting that Texas man's daughter.

No way in hell they charge that father with anything. I don't ever plan on having kids, but I doubt my reaction would be much different from that father if I found some guy trying to rape my 5 year old daughter. I'd turn green, tear my shirt off, growl incoherently and then rip the guy's head off.

Yeah! Hulk Gap don't like it when you try to fuck his hypothetical daughter!

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"Almost 10 years ago now, wow I am getting old, I sat in the draft green room with a handful of guys about to go in the top 5 of the NBA Draft. I talked with them about how cool it would be if they could choose their team instead of the current format. About how it could be like college or AAU ball where the best guys could just team up. After rookie years full of frustrations on bad teams, a few of these young men came back to me and asked how it might be possible to map out a strategy to team up. I put in countless hours carefully scripting a plan. Sign your extensions now, I said, and sacrifice the present for the future. Make sure you all align your opt-outs, I said, and have your agents subtly hint that you'll all be free agents at the same time, so teams can plan ahead. Then something amazing happened. One of the three won a ring. Another became the best all-court player in the NBA. And the last began to resemble some freaked-out alien thing. So I say to the best one, hey, look, this is your one circus tour. Pretend to like everyone and tease fanbases everywhere. Then, just when people think they are sick of your act, schedule an hour-long special about where you are going and be sure to make it all about you. Then, once you have really offended an entire nation, be sure that you, your champion friend and your alien friend stage a Wrestlemania-like entrance with your new team where you make promises that you can't possibly live up to. I thought, hey, if I can make this happen, imagine what the Knicks will pay me! And they did. A lot, because Jimmy Dolan is a fucking idiot. Then I completely fucked him with a shit team whose face-of-the-franchise has become some filthy Asian. Ha! Stupid fucking Knicks, where's your precious Jon Starks now!?! Faaaaags!" -Brought

That's it, no more WCW. Time for Real Confession Wednesday. The zombies are here and they're slowly taking over. Bilbo has been talking all kinds of shit about killing zombies, men, women, and children. First off, the kid doesn't even own a gun, and even if he did, I've seen him shoot. He's a fucking horrible shot. He's short, old, and waaaay weaker than he used to be. At one point I was making him get drunk, shoot guns AND lift weights. Maybe and that's a big MAYBE he'd have been able to mow down some zombies back then. Current Bilbo would get eaten before his wife, and that's because she's smart enough to toss him at the zombies while he's fumbling around with his car keys. News flash: that car's a heap and wouldn't have started anyway. Enjoy being zombie chow. Don't worry, ever since all this shit started happening I've been growing a beard. Women instinctively flock to a man with a beard in times of danger, just ask Mr. Horse. That man had(has?) a beard so majestic that women literally traveled thousands of miles for his protection, and sex...mostly sex. Turd is incapable of growing a beard, but luckily he has enough money to hire a man with a beard to protect (lovingly sex) his wife. Tommy Jarvis can grow a beard but it comes in all reddish blonde. Nobody can respect a man with a clown wig on his face. No, you need a jetblack beard and it has to be coarse to the touch. When I give Viv a kiss on the cheek she screams in agony and pulls her face away. It's typically bleeding and full of holes. I usually say something cool like, "thanks for being so beardy, Mr. Beard." Then I strut off while she sprints for the iodine and witch hazel. Pembry can't grow a beard either, but he's smart enough to convince me that he's good at killing zombies even without a beard... -Gap

Gap's Movie Corner

A few weeks ago I finally forced myself to watch The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). What a bad idea that turned out to be. I even made the mistake of trying to eat during the movie.


I didn't like the first one and the second one sucked just as much. Tom Six is a complete shithead, and this time around he tried to shoehorn in a message...Thanks Tom.


THC II basically brings up the age old debate about violence in films and TV somehow relating to violence in reality*. The main character is obsessed with THC and he fantasizes about creating a 12-person centipede. He basically starts collecting people and bringing them to this large warehouse. I should also mention that the character never utters a single word the entire time (good call Tom, what's the point). As the movie goes along we learn that he lives at home with his abusive mother and his shrink is trying to fuck his chubby little ass. There isn't actually a whole lot of extremely gory stuff for the first 3/4's of the movie. I think at one point he bashes his mother's head in and props her up at the dinner table with her destroyed dome, but that's really the extent of the gore. It's also filmed in black and white because Tom thinks it's more disturbing that way. Yeah, that B&W sure scared the shit outta me.

Anyway, dummy finally gets everyone rounded up and he being to assemble his HC. Tom Six actually managed to get the one girl that starred in the first HC to do a cameo as the actress who played the character (I'm the dude playin' the dude disguised as another dude!).


It gets pretty gory from here. There's a lot of close shots of teeth being knocked out, ACLs being pulled from knees and cut with scissors, assholes getting sewn to faces and so on. Just lovely stuff. When he finally gets all 12 stitched up he jumps around all pleased with himself and proceeds to wrap his dick with barbed wire and fuck the end of the HC. Now THAT is romance. I didn't like it though because everyone was shitting and they showed poo coming out. Nobody is going to fuck and ass with poo shooting out of it. Not even Bilbo.

People in the HC begin to die shorty after the poo-filled ass fucking. Probably from boredom. Dummy gets all upset and begins to shoot them. The one chick playing herself breaks free from the HC and shoves an actual centipede up the guy's asshole. Nicely done. I believe he shoots and kills her, but I had almost completely tuned out at this point. Also, there was a pregnant chick that ended up getting away, but she was so pregnant that you couldn't see any bush, which isn't hot.

Then Tom did a smash-cut to the parking garage where Dummy works and wouldn't you know it, he imagined the whole thing! Well, knock me down with a feather wrapped in barbed wire. What a great ending...I guess he wrote himself into a corner and took the easy way out. Thanks.

*-we were raping and killing long before TV, Movies, and the Internet. Sooooooo shut up.

/cries

Wait, what?

I get sinus infections all-the-fuck time! This shit has to work! God damn! I was sick as fuck down South and the only thing that saved me was my precious antibiotics. I don't care if it's a "dummy pill". I'm a dummy and I want my pill! So, don't release reports talking about how it doesn't actually do anything. The power of suggestion really does a lot.