Turd's gonna be sad as fuck

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Wacky Confession Wednesday

"My newest hobby is hiding in the bushes outside of Gap's house and listening to him watch movies. I can't see him because he keeps the blinds closed, but I can hear him. And it's weird. For instance, when watching horror movies, he never JO's to the intricate death scenes and instead pleasures himself to the happy ending where the survivors are hugging each other. I knew he was a sick fuck, but what the hell? JOing to smiles and joyful crying? What kind of perv does that? Three days ago I caught up with him watching Julius Caesar. I know, strange right? Then he just starts pounding the hell out of himself during Charlton Heston's eulogy and screams 'Friends, Romans, countrymen, BOOM!' Then he bawled. A lot. And that's when I finally got mine." -Brought

I've been watching Game of Thrones a lot lately and it's really gotten me into Carrier Pigeons as a means of communication. I've amassed roughly 30 pigeons. I send them out with messages daily. Most of them go to Sean Bean, but I've also sent a few to some other people. Here are some messages I sent the other week:

"I don't care how famous you get, if I ever see you in public, I'll shove a trident up your cunt, Elle Fanning."

"Clive, how could you want Julia Roberts over Natalie Portman? That old bitch is disgusting! Kudos for sticking it to Jude Law though."

"Dear Albert Fish, love your work."

"Viv, we're out of low fat cottage cheese and paper towels."

"Turd, thanks for raising my children as your own." -Gap

Fat Crap

What a shock, Minnesota Fats was "hurt" last night with what appeared to be a "serious" leg injury. Thankfully, he made a "miraculous" recovery and returned to the game. If I had a nickel for every time Fats McDuff pulled this shit, I'd have enough money to pay Turd to assassinate him.



Give me a fucking break. I love how the announcers buy into it every single time. Whoa that looked bad. Legs aren't supposed to bend like that. How many weeks will he be out? Will this injury cancel Christmas? Who's gonna rape his wife while he's laid up? What of doughnuts? WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY? DEAR LORD! HELP US ALL! Shut the fuck up. I called it the moment that fat tub of shit limped off the field, "he'll be back for the second half".

You wanna know who's tough? Fucking Phillip Rivers. The man suffered a torn ACL in the AFC Championship, went to the locker room, came back out and finished the game. Jesus. That's fucking tough. Exaggerating injuries doesn't make you gritty, it makes you an asshole.

You're only concerned with the way your know-nothing fans perceive you. "Hey, he's religious now and married. I guess that makes him not a piece of shit. Look how he battles through injuries, kinda like how I work a low-paying manual labor job. We're so much alike. I'm gonna go buy a Big Ben jersey and scream like an asshole."

Fuck him, he's only happy when he's be deified by that retarded fanbase.