Oh Caaaaaat...

USA: 17

Denmark:?

They're getting closer, I can feel it!

What does Denmark do well...aside from produce hot women?

The Olympics Are Coming

Now that we are closing in on the Summer Olympics, the far superior of the Olympics games, it's time to remember just how awesome this event has been. Each I'll post a memorable moment each day leading up to, and if I don't get lazy, during this year's London Games. Let's kick things off right.

Michael Johnson Crushes the Field

Jesus, I still get all tingly watching Michael Johnson dominate that race. Johnson was a fucking rocket in 1996, winning gold and setting new world records in both the 200m and 400m, and would have fucking crushed Donovan Bailey in their promotional 'Fastest Man Alive' 150m sprint had Bailey not pulled up lame. And those gold shoes, motherfucker were those gold shoes awesome. Michael Johnson, you are a bad, bad man.

A trip across the pond II (GENIUS TAKES TIME!!!)

(Swinging London)

Pembry: Those guys are such idiots. I hope they die in that pub. I hope they die and go straight to Hell.

(Back at Pub)

Gap and Brought:  WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

Gap: British people fucking rule. All they do is drink, fuck, fight, and not brush their teeth.

Brought: I couldn't be less dead if I tried. How 'bout you, Jimbo?

/Gap and Brought look around

Gap: Uh, where did Pembry go?

Brought: England?

Gap: We gotta find him!

Brought: And ruin whatever he's doing!

/Gap and Brought run out of pub

(London Mansion)

Pembry: OK. It's now or never. You didn't come all this way for nothing. 

/Pembry scrambles out of cab and runs up to front of mansion

(Mansion door flies open)

Margaret: What is the meaning of all this?

Pembry: Chuh-chuh! Margaret, my name is Jim Pembry, I just wanna talk to you...dammit.

Margaret: I shall have you horse-whipped for this!

Pembry: Please, just hear me out. I've come a long way to profess my love for you.

Margaret: What?

Pembry: Listen. You're the Iron Lady I've needed on my arm for years. Your uncompromising stance on literally everything is something I've always loved about you. When I look at you, I see a kindred spirit. I see someone who understands me. I feel like we were cast from the same mould, then God took that mould, smashed it to pieces and killed the angel that made it. I need you, not just your Google image results. Please, be mine.

/awkward silence

Margaret: Alright.

Pembry: Now, I thought you were gonna say that and I think you should re-...wait, what?

Margaret: That was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Pembry: You do?

Margaret: Yes, and you look like you could give me quite the rogering. 

Pembry: And how!

Margaret: Before we're on our way, would you like to come inside and help me randomly fire some of my staff? It's ever so much fun.

Pembry: Would I!!!

/Pembry starts to strut towards Margaret

(off in the distance, but getting annoyingly close)

(the roar of and engine and faint chanting)

"Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy."

Gap: Look out!

(Doors fly open)

Bilbo: Oh thank God my sword wasn't damaged in the crash.

/Bilbo immediately thrusts sword into Margaret

Gap: Oh SHE DEAD! (fumbling with bowtie) Seriously, does anybody know how to tie this fucking tie?

Bilbo: It's a bowt-

Pembry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You fucking assholes! You killed her!

Bilbo: Who, Austin Powers?

Pembry: You killed my beloved, you fucking idiot! I knew you guys were gonna ruin this trip. Once, just once, can I go somewhere without either one of you raping, killing, bilboing, or knife penising someone?

Bilbo: Something, once they're dead, they just become a thing.

Gap: Her name is Robert Paulson. Her name is-

Pembry: Her name is Margaret, you fucking dunderheads!

Bilbo: Oh come on buddy, cheer up. You wanna play V for Vendetta?

Pembry: No, I don't want to blow up Parliament! 

Bilbo: No, I'm talking about shaving Natalie Portman's head and torturing her.

/Gap's hand shoots up

Gap: OH OH OH OH! I wanna play!

Pembry: First off, she lives in America. Second, aren't one of you in love with her.

V Gap: Pembry, just because you love something doesn't mean you can't set it free, hunt it, torture it and then make sweet unwanted love to its ass.

V Brought: I like where he's going with this. And look, I've got her right here!

Natalie (crying): Please, please don't hurt me. 

V Gap: God, she's been crying since New York. Starting to work on my nerves. 

V Brought: So, you in Jimbo?

V Pembry: Yes, yes I am...