RE: Jimbo's horny advances

(outside sliding glass door at beNNate HQ)

Gap Dog: BARK BARK BARK!

Pembry: Hey, come on guy! There's nothing going on!


/Gap Dog growls

Pembry: You damn dog! Git outta my flowerbed!

/Gap Dog keeps digging

Pembry: I'm busy, I don't have time for this, so knock it off!

Pembry: Now, where were we, Cat? Inner-thigh massage?

/Pembry adjusts scumbag hat

Pembry: Would you like a Jack and Ginger before we proceed? Perhaps some cod?

/Pembry laces cod

Gap Dog: BARK! BARK BARK! BAAARK!

Pembry: What? How would you know what color Rohypnol is?

/Gap Dog opens sliding glass door by leaning against it

Pembry: Shit!

/Pembry runs into his panic room

Gap and Bilbo write a letter of complaint.

Dear Mr. True Blood,

         I've been a loyal customer of your stupid show for several years now, and I've had it up to here! I was pointing at my penis. When the fuck are we gonna see Tara's hot, hard, naked, asshole?!??! She's arguably the worst character of all-time, the least you could do is show us her luscious tits.What, does she have some stupid fucking 'no nudity' clause in her contract? Bitch. Fucking Sookie got naked and she's at least semi famous. Hey, remember when she was in 25th hour and she almost fucked Phillip Seymour Hoffman? He was such a fool to turn that down. Slide those pants off her and go to town, you fat idiot!


Wheee! Fuck you, Gap, Imma write in blood!!! Mr. True Blood, like Gap said, we wanna see that bitch nude! Also, Gap hasn't been a loyal customer, he's been torrenting your show for years, he's such a fag. Luckily, for the low, low price of $4000.00, I'll report him to the proper authorities. Please, no checks, or money orders. I'd like it all in singles. I'm going to make a titanium Knife Penis and fuck Tara with it. Maybe then she'll get nude. I totally loved in 25th Hour when Edward Norton was fucking that hot mocha school girl. Normally, I don't approve of anyone but me fucking hot mino school girls, but I have to give him a pass. He's living my dream: he deals drugs, fucking school girls, has a dog, and he's friends with  Goose!

Dude, fucking Goose sold him out, you idiot. I knew you never finished that movie. You kept fucking jacking off at the nightclub scene and falling asleep. Fucking Hulk got his ass beat by his friend and his dad took him to prison. Barry Pepper is the guy you wanna be in that movie. He's cool, he has a huge wang, and he eats with his fingers!

Shut up! I'm running out of blood and you're making me waste it on your stupid comments. Let me handle this, like an adult...IF TARA ISN'T NUDE BY NEXT SUNDAY, I WILL PERSONALLY RAPE EVERY MAN ON THAT SHOW. Starting with Tara. 

Hey, do you wanna do some mock auction drafts, there's a 10 person room that's almost full!

Sure! Dibs on "Team Gap's A Faggy Fag"!

Fuck!

Warmest Hate,

     Gap & Brought      

Cape Thrust

(Poor Cat heads to her first day of summer classes)

(Inside Drama Auditorium)

Cat: Hi. I'm here for the drama class.

 
          
Pembry: Oops. Am I busted?



 
                
Cat: No.

Pembry: I hope not.
               

Cat: You can't eat Go To in school.

              

Pembry: Privilege of the professional. Eases inhibitions.             

 

Pembry: You down here for drama?

/Cat eats some Go To 

Cat: Yeah. Are you the drama teacher?

/Pembry shakes head and scarfs down Go To 

Pembry: And you're, let me guess...Fact Checker?
                   

Cat: No. I'm, uh...Cat Jensen.                   

Pembry: Cat? Oh,we spoke last night.                   

Cat: Yeah.                   

Pembry: Oh, I'm sorry. How rude. 

/Pembry boxes up Go To and hands it to Cat

Pembry: I'm gonna give this to you.

Cat: You know, when we spoke on the phone last night?

Pembry: Mm-hmm.                   

Cat: Um... you really made sense to me and...I thought a lot.

Pembry: Those are human truths, darlin'. That's what it's all 

about. 

Pembry: See the book you have, American Psycho?

Pembry: It's all about self-discovery, the inner voyage.

Cat: I like the end where, um...Patricks's journey...

It was really, uh, mystical, you know. 

And it was almost like a pilgrimage?                   

Pembry: Almost like a cop-out, if you ask me.


Pembry: The novel is what you would call a "rapey a clef. "
                   

Pembry: You know what that is?

Cat: I'm not sure.

Pembry: Nonetheless, you can't escape your demons just by 

leaving Denmark.

Cat: Wait a second. Um... where are you from?

                   

Pembry: Where am I from?

Cat: Yeah.                  

Pembry: Where do you think I'm from?
                   

Cat: I don't know, but...

Pembry: If I told you, you gonna get mad at me?

Cat: No.                   

Pembry: I'm from a black forest.



   
Cat: That's funny.



   

                   

Cat: You're not the drama teacher, are you?

Pembry: Maybe I'm the big, bad wolf.

                   

Cat: Um...

Cat: So, you're that guy that's been hanging around the house?

Cat: You're the one that killed my boyfriend?

Pembry: Your boyfriend was killed?
                  

Cat: Yeah. 

Pembry: I didn't even know anything about that. That's a shame. 

That's a damn shame.

/Pembry stifles laugh

Pembry: So, what kinda boyfriend was he?
   
Cat: He was white, and fluffy, and, and, and...

Pembry: Dead.

Cat: Yeah. So, what are you doing here then?

Pembry: Well, I came to meet you, to be honest with you. 

I wanted to meet you, see what you're like. 

I see you're a nice person.

Cat: You're not gonna hurt me, are you?

Pembry: I'm not gonna hurt you at all.

/Pembry puts away Knife Penis

Pembry: Between us there's no hurt. Just a search for truth. 

I mean, did you judge me when you caught me eatin' 

the Go To?

Cat: No.

Pembry: You thought about me last night, didn't you?

Cat: Um, yes, I did.

Pembry: I know. You know, I think I might have found a 

companion, a companion for that long walk to the light. 

Do you mind if I put my arm around you?                   

Cat: Um...Um...It's okay. No, I don't mind.

Gap's reaction to Pembry's pandering post

Wil Wheaton: He's not only Sheldon Cooper's nemesis

I've been watching The Big Bang Theory for a while now, and I just love it. Wil Wheaton is a reoccuring character and he's one of Sheldon Cooper's main adversaries.


Wil also blogs quite a bit. He's crusading for Bit Torrent sites now.

It's nice of him to try, but legit open source software available for torrenting makes up maybe 8% of all torrents. The rest is movies, music, porno, and pirated software. I'm not for shutting it down, but let's not stand around saying it's not solely for stealing. It is.

Also, I seriously need to fuck every hole Kaley Cuoco has. If given half the chance, I'd probably create some new holes and ball them too.

A trip across the pond II (GENIUS TAKES TIME!!!)

(Swinging London)

Pembry: Those guys are such idiots. I hope they die in that pub. I hope they die and go straight to Hell.

(Back at Pub)

Gap and Brought:  WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

Gap: British people fucking rule. All they do is drink, fuck, fight, and not brush their teeth.

Brought: I couldn't be less dead if I tried. How 'bout you, Jimbo?

/Gap and Brought look around

Gap: Uh, where did Pembry go?

Brought: England?

Gap: We gotta find him!

Brought: And ruin whatever he's doing!

/Gap and Brought run out of pub

(London Mansion)

Pembry: OK. It's now or never. You didn't come all this way for nothing. 

/Pembry scrambles out of cab and runs up to front of mansion

(Mansion door flies open)

Margaret: What is the meaning of all this?

Pembry: Chuh-chuh! Margaret, my name is Jim Pembry, I just wanna talk to you...dammit.

Margaret: I shall have you horse-whipped for this!

Pembry: Please, just hear me out. I've come a long way to profess my love for you.

Margaret: What?

Pembry: Listen. You're the Iron Lady I've needed on my arm for years. Your uncompromising stance on literally everything is something I've always loved about you. When I look at you, I see a kindred spirit. I see someone who understands me. I feel like we were cast from the same mould, then God took that mould, smashed it to pieces and killed the angel that made it. I need you, not just your Google image results. Please, be mine.

/awkward silence

Margaret: Alright.

Pembry: Now, I thought you were gonna say that and I think you should re-...wait, what?

Margaret: That was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. 

Pembry: You do?

Margaret: Yes, and you look like you could give me quite the rogering. 

Pembry: And how!

Margaret: Before we're on our way, would you like to come inside and help me randomly fire some of my staff? It's ever so much fun.

Pembry: Would I!!!

/Pembry starts to strut towards Margaret

(off in the distance, but getting annoyingly close)

(the roar of and engine and faint chanting)

"Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy."

Gap: Look out!

(Doors fly open)

Bilbo: Oh thank God my sword wasn't damaged in the crash.

/Bilbo immediately thrusts sword into Margaret

Gap: Oh SHE DEAD! (fumbling with bowtie) Seriously, does anybody know how to tie this fucking tie?

Bilbo: It's a bowt-

Pembry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You fucking assholes! You killed her!

Bilbo: Who, Austin Powers?

Pembry: You killed my beloved, you fucking idiot! I knew you guys were gonna ruin this trip. Once, just once, can I go somewhere without either one of you raping, killing, bilboing, or knife penising someone?

Bilbo: Something, once they're dead, they just become a thing.

Gap: Her name is Robert Paulson. Her name is-

Pembry: Her name is Margaret, you fucking dunderheads!

Bilbo: Oh come on buddy, cheer up. You wanna play V for Vendetta?

Pembry: No, I don't want to blow up Parliament! 

Bilbo: No, I'm talking about shaving Natalie Portman's head and torturing her.

/Gap's hand shoots up

Gap: OH OH OH OH! I wanna play!

Pembry: First off, she lives in America. Second, aren't one of you in love with her.

V Gap: Pembry, just because you love something doesn't mean you can't set it free, hunt it, torture it and then make sweet unwanted love to its ass.

V Brought: I like where he's going with this. And look, I've got her right here!

Natalie (crying): Please, please don't hurt me. 

V Gap: God, she's been crying since New York. Starting to work on my nerves. 

V Brought: So, you in Jimbo?

V Pembry: Yes, yes I am...

Oh come on!

We're already playing at a disadvantage. Just give us one little tool. Seriously, what's the harm? It's not like you get a free Knife Penis with the app. "Creepiest app"...that hurts.

Goofy Girls Gap Gravitates Gowards?

Disclaimer: NSFW.

Oh Chloe, you hipster, I love you. I've loved you since you did KIDS. Your scenes made me all bonery. Remember when you got the HIV in it? I'm glad that didn't happen for real. Your damn near constantly nude body would be all shriveled and dead. I mean, I'd still try to have sex with it, but it wouldn't be the same.

Here's a quote from her: "I think it's sexy to be a little bit mysterious."

I couldn't agree more, that's why I wear a ski mask when I rape.

Whoa, so you apparently fell in high heels and knocked out four teeth? That's fascinating. Jimbo actually knocked out some of his chompers falling on a treadmill at my house. He was supposed to be babysitting my little brother and sister, but I guess he just couldn't resist hopping on our family treadmill and killing it.

[funny story redacted]

Chloe, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want to eat your ass.

Love,

Gap

Told ya, kids!

Am I sexually attracted to boys?

Hey Kids!

Boy, that Sandusky interview sure was awesome to laugh at.


What a fucking nut. I love that his lawyer impregnated a 16 year old girl too. That's fitting. I'm really excited for this thing to play out.