Previously, on
Jimbo and Gap:
Pembry: This is bullshit!
Cop: You'll be going away for a
long time!
Gap: That'll teach that sum'bitch to snitch on me.
(door flies open...)
Stabler and Benson: Freeze! Gap Theory, you are under arrest.
Gap: Goddammit!
(later at the station...)
Stabler: Do you know why you're here?
Pembry: Listen cops, I am an attorney. A highly paid one and I went to one of the best law schools in the country. I know my rights and I know your tricks. And I'm not saying shit.
/Benson starts eating bowl of go-to
Benson: Too bad, I was going to share this go-to
Pembry:: Fine, what do you want to know?
Benson: Have you seen this woman?
/Stabler shows photo
Pembry: Cat? Oh, she's fine.
Benson: Then where is she? She hasn't commented on Weak Thrust in months.
Pembry: What's your point?
Stabler: Well your buddy Gap posted today asking where your other commenter Mr. Horse was. But he didn't ask about Cat. Like he knew her whereabouts.
Pembry: Listen, if something happened to her, you gotta ask Gap about that. He is the creepy one, with all his creepy comments on her blog, and creepy tags on our own blog.
Benson: And what about you? You aren't creepy?
Pembry: Me? No I am nothing but sweet to Cat. I make funny cod jokes that's all. That way she falls in love with me rather than asshole Gap and we will get married and move to Scranton and antique a lot and I will hand feed her cod, you know like Romans did with grapes, and it will so romantic and sensual. So no, I am not creepy at all.
Stabler: Really? Because we have some pretty solid evidence of you being creepy.
Pembry: You are bluffing.
Benson: Oh are we? Let me show exhibit 1. It's a transcript of a police interview, dated June 14, 2012. Let me read it for you: Benson says, "And what about you? You aren't creepy?" Pembry replies, "Me? No I am nothing but sweet to Cat. I make funny cod jokes that's all. That way she falls in love with me rather than asshole Gap and we will get married and move to Scranton and antique a lot and I will hand feed her cod, you know like Romans did with grapes, and it will so romantic and sensual. So no, I am not creepy at all."
Pembry: Oh that was taken completely out of context!
Benson: How about exhibits 2 through 5?
Stabler: Listen do you want to go down for this alone? If not you better tell us about Gap and what he did.
Pembry: Really, you are looking at Gap and me for this? Of all the skit characters, you pick us? The skits have fucking creepy assets, a murderous demon clown, and numerous Bilbo characters. And we are the skit characters you choose to pin this on?
Benson: What do you mean, a skit? Skit characters? What are you talking about?
Pembry: God, I am so fucking meta and you people just don't get it.
(later...)
Gap: Oh come on, guy!
Stabler: We have seen the creepy stuff you have wriiten about Cat on this blog! Now just confess and maybe the district attorney will go easy on you.
Gap: Meh.
Stabler: So she rejected your creepy advances. And you got mad, is that right?
Gap: Listen you got nothing. You are just trying to trick me. Let me guess, you convinced Pembry to confess and he named me too? Right. I don't buy it for a second. He is my best friend. And he is really good at getting out of trouble. I am not worried at all.
/Benson presses button to show Pembry on cctv in other interrogation room, scarfing down go-to
Gap: God. dammit! I want a lawyer!
(weeks later...)
Pembry: Don't worry Gap, I know how these things work. There is no way they will convict us. They have nothing on us. Yeah, Cat is missing from Weak Thrust. But they have nothing to tie us to that.
Gap: Really? Because I feel like you know literally nothing about criminal law. And I think you keep second guessing our actual criminal defense attorney, who may know what he is doing. I feel like your goddamn plan will go awry, like it always does.
Pembry: No trust me, I am a legal genius. And I will repeat, we did not want cameras in the court room.
/Gap turns on portable TV
Nancy: On today's show we are discussing the murder trial of Cat. Of course, she is only missing, but with the two creepers who are are now being tried in connection with her disappearance, we can only assume the worst. Now, we were not allowed to have cameras in the court room, but here is an artist's rendering of the two suspects, Jim Pembry, center left, and Gap Theory, center right, flanked by their attorneys.
(back in court room)
Pembry: God. dammit! I don't look like that!
Gap: They made me a fucking woman!
(trial begins...)
Pembry: Listen Gap, they have no evidence against us. Yeah we are abusive to our commenters. But Mr. Horse, Tommy, and Turd are all abusive trolls. No one will sympathize with them.
District Attorney: The state's next witness is Mad Rocket Scientist.
Pembry: Oh damn!
Gap: God! Dammit!
District Attorney: So how did Pembry and Gap treat you, when you commented on their blog.
Mad Rocket Scientist: They lied for hits and when I went to their blog and criticized them for this they berated me and called me names and humiliated me. And even though this was years ago, they still troll me with posts making fin of me.
(jury gasps)
District Attorney: The state rests.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: Don't worry I got this. The defense calls its first witness.
Pembry: God. Dammit!
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: Could you state your full name for the record?
Bilbo: Brought Bilbo Buttons TheThunder.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer:And what do you do for a living?
Bilbo: Mainly buttonsing. Also Bilboing.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer:And what is that?
Bilbo: I plead the Fifth.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: Now the prosecution says that Cat went missing on June 13th. Yet you can provide an alibi for Mr. Pembry at the time she went missing, can't you?
Bilbo: Yep.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: Please explain.
Bilbo: At that time, Pembry and I were having a long discussion. He had just learned Lindsay Lohan was doing a movie with Bret Eastin Ellis and he was going off on how much he hated Ellis. I thought it would be awesome because it was starring this porn star but Pembry disagreed adamantly
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: What did he say?
Bilbo: He said he hated everything he had ever read from Bret Easton Ellis and that Ellis was a hack.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: And so you had this conversation at the very time that Cat supposedly went missing.
Bilbo: Correct.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer:Thank you. Next I call Jim Pembry to the stand. Pembry, you just heard Brought's testimony which provides you an alibi. Will you confirm this?
Pembry: Nope.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: (confused) Wait, what?
Pembry: I never read anything from Bret Eastyon Ellis. In fact, I never heard of the guy until today.
Gap: Objection! Permission to treat the witness as hostile!
/Judge bangs gavel
Judge: Sit down! You can only speak through your attorney.
Gap: YOU READ THAT FUCKING BOOK! YOU ARE UNDER OATH YOU PRICK! ADMIT YOU READ THAT BOOK!
Pembry: Nope. Never read it...
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: We call our next witness.
Pembry: The fuck?
Gap: Oh damn!
Pembry and Gap's lawyer:Please state your full name for the court.
Pembrina: Pembrina Jimboella Pembry.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: And you are Pembry's daughter?
Pembrina: Yes.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: And you have a relation to Gap as well?
Pembrina: Well since he is my dad's best friend, my parents made him my godfather.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: And on the day that this Cat went missing, you can provide an alibi for Gap?
Pembrina: Yes sir, I can. See when I was a toddler Gap used to have me straddle his thigh and he would bounce his knee up and down. We called the game horsey. I loved it when I was really little. Well, recently, he started asking me to play the game again. He said we could play it again even though I had developed into a young woman. I was reluctant. It was sort of weird, and he wanted me to wear a skirt when we did it. But he promised me he would buy me illegal fireworks if I did. And I LOVE fireworks. And fire. So on that date we were playing horsey.
/Gap starts rubbing underside of table
Pembry: Gap you fucking asshole!
/Judge bangs gavel
Judge: Order! Order!
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: My next witness is Gap.
/Gap looks out at court gallery and sees Viv.
Gap: Oh damn!
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: So can you corroborate Pembrina's story.
Gap: Nope! Never saw that bitch in my life.
Pembry and Gap's lawyer: Goddammit! The defense fucking rests!
/the jury convenes and finds Gap and Pembry guilty in 30 seconds
(later...)
Pembry: Wwell that went awry much more quickly than usual.
Gap: Yeah and the whole premise of the skit really fell apart when Cat reappeared after being missing for months and posted on her blog today
Pembry: Sshhh!
