WHOA BOY! I SAY, I SAY, WHOA THERE!!!

(Weakthrust Annual Dating Show)

Turd: Hello, I'm Turd and I'll be your host for this evening. LOL.

Turd: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

/Ten minutes later

Turd: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL............LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Viv: Uh, I guess I'll just ask my first question. Bachelor number one.

Gap: Fucking WHAT!?!?!?

Viv: Wow, he sounds like a complete asshole. I'll just skip to the second bachelor.

Mr. Horse: Shoot!

Viv: Bachelor number two. What would our first date be like?

Mr. Horse: Oh gee, that's a good tough one. Um, well, what do you like to do?

/Gap rolls eyes

Viv: Well, I've never really been asked that before. Usually my bo- er, my Ex usually just makes me do stuff that he wants to do. This one time, he made me see The Dark Knight five times in theaters.

Mr. Horse: Oh, that's terrible.Well, I guess my answer is that we can do whatever you'd like to do on our first date. Also, i baked you these oats.





Gap: Those aren't even baked. You just yanked them out of ground with your dumb horse teeth and dropped them on the stage.

Mr. Horse: It's the thought that counts. Seems like that's what she's been lacking in previous relationships.

Gap: Oats?

Viv: Ok...Bachelor number three, same question.

Bachelor 3: Well, I'd take you out for a romantic dinner, dancing, and then we'd lay out and watch the sta-

Gap: Shut up, fag. I've seen how this ends: he's gonna try and fuck you someplace real uncomfortable.

Mr. Horse: Like an unclean horse stable?

Gap: No, like the ass. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm.

/Gap spaces out and starts to daydream

Gap (singly softly):Ass fucking at night, Pew, Aaaaafternoon delight. Bewwwwwup.

Viv: Ok. I just have one final question for Bachelor number one.

Turd: Oh! That means we've entered our final round! You guys know what that means! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

/show ends and TV crowd files out

Turd: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Viv: Well, I guess the show is over...

Gap: Fucking thank God, let's get out of here, Viv.

Viv: Gap?

Gap (walking around stage divide): What?

Viv: That was you!

/Viv throws away final question card reading "James Franco, if that's you, please come over here and make sweet love to my face"

Gap: Yeah, now let's get out of here. That horse took a massive oat-filled shit  on the stage and it stinks something awful.

Mr. Horse: WAIT! Viv! What about that cake I baked you?

Gap: Yeah, I ate that. Then I shit it out and mailed it back to you. You should be getting some shit-filled Tupperware in the mail any day now. Enjoy!

Mr. Horse: But, Viv, please!

Viv (hopeful): Yes?

Mr. Horse: Let me see your tig old bitties...

(stage door flies open)

Pembry: You son of bitch! If anybody sees them tittays from this group, it's gon be me!

/Pembry punches out Mr. Horse

/Gap drags Viv off to watch Prometheus again

Your source for breaking news!

Apparently some pilot went nuts and had to be restrained today.

Well, this is going right at the top of my fears list. I didn't know pilots could just go bonkers and start screaming. Kudos to the co-pilot for getting that fuckhead out of the cockpit (hehe, cockpit) and to the passengers for jumping on his goofy ass. If there's one thing Americans don't find funny anymore, it's screaming about Iran AND Iraq AND bombs on an airplane.

Road Thrust II: Wheels of Vengeance

Pembry: Look man, I don't know your problem is, but you've turned into a huge pussy.

/Gap struggles effeminately against Pembry

Gap: Well, I have been taking these new supplements...

/Gap opens pink gym bag



/Pembry rubs temples

Pembry: How can you be so rich and so dumb?

Gap: Jesus?

/Pembry slaps pills out of Gap's hand

Stop fucking taking those and let's go fuck-start Bilbo's face!



Pembry: Hey, the more I think about it, them more I'm sure of it: I hate Art Garfunkel. Simon is and always will be where it's at. What a fool I've been for all these years. Hey, we're here!



Pembry: You see that shit? You gonna stand there and let that little buttonsing fuck take your place, beat your ass, trash your car, and probably fuck Kelly Lynch?



Gap: Nobody fucks Kell- er...beats my ass. BILBO!



Bilbo: I'm going to need to see some ID sir.

Gap: Fu- what?

Bilbo: This is a bar, 21 and over. You and your pretty date have to be over the age of 21 to enter.



Pembry: I'm not his fucking date, bilbo!

Bilbo: Ma'am, be that as it may, this establishment is 21 and over only. We do have an under 21 night on Tuesdays. We serve soda water and play John Huges movies on the overhead projector. The kids really seem to love it. Now, if you don't have a valid ID, I cannot allow you in, but you're more than welcome to return on Tuesday.

Pembry: Listen you fucking dickhead, I'm going to pou-

Gap: I don't have my ID.

Bilbo: Then good evening.

/Bilbo closes door



Pembry: Oh my fucking GOD! What are we doing!?

Gap: You heard him, we need our IDs. I think mine is over at Kelly's.

Pembry: You don't need your fucking ID if you're going to a bar to kill the owner and reclaim it as your own!

/Gap slams on breaks

Gap: Oh yeah.

/Gap does 180




Bilbo: You kids again.

Gap: Prepare for the death of a lifetime, you fuck!

Bilbo: Hang on a sec.



Bilbo: You smell that? That's Kelly Lynch's doo doo butter.

Gap: You are such an asshole!

/Gap rips off shirt



Bilbo: I used to fuck guys like you at Penn State football camp!





Pembry(hanging up "Bilbo's Place" signs): Hey, you got him!

Gap: Yeah, now if you'll excuse me.



Gap: Is Bilbo's dick bigger than mine?

Road Thrust

Gap: Damn, lotta hot muff in here. What a great idea to open this bar. I had my doubts, but I really am a genius, and watching Road House fifty times really sold me.

/random fights start breaking out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zW4BpYv2y7s&feature=fvst)

Gap: Great, now the hot muff is going to leave. I gotta clean this place up. I need a

/makes air quotes

Gap: Cooler. Well, I know just where the best one in the whole world is!

/10 seconds later



Gap: Alright guys, now remember the three rules of bouncing:

1: It's okay to punch women
2. Fight in teams.
3. Biting is not only permitted, it is encouraged.

Gap: Now let's clean my lovely bar up!

/Gap and bouncers start mercilessly pounding patrons.



Gap: Awesome job men!

(door flies open)



Gap: Sorry, bar's closed.

Bilbo: Then what are all these people doing here?

Gap: There's nobody here...it's literally empty with the exception of my bouncers and you.

Bilbo: I just wanna have a good time.

/bilbo starts gyrating

Gap: You're too stupid to have a good time!



/Gap gets put down by Bilbo

(Back at WT HQ)



Gap: Holy shit, that fucking hurt. I'm gonna need some help if I want to get my bar back from that shithead.

/Gap picks up red phone



Pembry: Damn dude, bilbo beat your ass AND fucked up your car?

Gap: Look, I was hungover...he caught me by surprise. Fuck you! Just give me a hand in killing him.

Pembry: Ok, but we're going in the opposite direction of your bar, or should I say Bilbo's bar.

Gap: Shut up, and I have to stop somewhere quickly...Just wait in the car.



(23 seconds later)



Pembry: So, um, were you just in there fucking Kelly Lynch?

Gap: What?! No.

Pembry: Look, I could see you. It was Kelly Lynch. You had all the barn doors open and you kept yelling her name.

Gap: Uhhh...

Pembry: Shouldn't you have been banging Viv or something? I mean, she is your fiance, seems to me like a clear cut case of infidelity. Also, we're still not heading to your bar.

Gap: We're going to the gym to get a lift in...Also, shut up about Kelly Lynch fucking! You're not even sure what you saw, what with your bad vision and new glasses!

/at gym

Pembry: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Kelly Lynch.

/Gap swings and Pembry catches his fist



Pembry: It was totally Kelly Lynch.

Lest we forgot

The man who taught Road House everything he knows.



"Wade Garrett's the best."

"Wade Garrett is getting old..."

"He's still the best."

You're damn right he is, Dalton.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



Oh thank God. Shut up and listen to him, people! He's not saying you can't own a gun, he's not saying you can't carry a gun. He's just sayin' you can't carry a gun in town!

Merry Road House Day!

Road House!