Gap and Bilbo write a letter of complaint.

Dear Mr. True Blood,

         I've been a loyal customer of your stupid show for several years now, and I've had it up to here! I was pointing at my penis. When the fuck are we gonna see Tara's hot, hard, naked, asshole?!??! She's arguably the worst character of all-time, the least you could do is show us her luscious tits.What, does she have some stupid fucking 'no nudity' clause in her contract? Bitch. Fucking Sookie got naked and she's at least semi famous. Hey, remember when she was in 25th hour and she almost fucked Phillip Seymour Hoffman? He was such a fool to turn that down. Slide those pants off her and go to town, you fat idiot!


Wheee! Fuck you, Gap, Imma write in blood!!! Mr. True Blood, like Gap said, we wanna see that bitch nude! Also, Gap hasn't been a loyal customer, he's been torrenting your show for years, he's such a fag. Luckily, for the low, low price of $4000.00, I'll report him to the proper authorities. Please, no checks, or money orders. I'd like it all in singles. I'm going to make a titanium Knife Penis and fuck Tara with it. Maybe then she'll get nude. I totally loved in 25th Hour when Edward Norton was fucking that hot mocha school girl. Normally, I don't approve of anyone but me fucking hot mino school girls, but I have to give him a pass. He's living my dream: he deals drugs, fucking school girls, has a dog, and he's friends with  Goose!

Dude, fucking Goose sold him out, you idiot. I knew you never finished that movie. You kept fucking jacking off at the nightclub scene and falling asleep. Fucking Hulk got his ass beat by his friend and his dad took him to prison. Barry Pepper is the guy you wanna be in that movie. He's cool, he has a huge wang, and he eats with his fingers!

Shut up! I'm running out of blood and you're making me waste it on your stupid comments. Let me handle this, like an adult...IF TARA ISN'T NUDE BY NEXT SUNDAY, I WILL PERSONALLY RAPE EVERY MAN ON THAT SHOW. Starting with Tara. 

Hey, do you wanna do some mock auction drafts, there's a 10 person room that's almost full!

Sure! Dibs on "Team Gap's A Faggy Fag"!

Fuck!

Warmest Hate,

     Gap & Brought      

Give me a fucking break

Just one stupid fucking break. That's all I'm asking for.

Counterpoint: Gap's Draft Thoughts

Neat!

Road Thrust II: Wheels of Vengeance

Pembry: Look man, I don't know your problem is, but you've turned into a huge pussy.

/Gap struggles effeminately against Pembry

Gap: Well, I have been taking these new supplements...

/Gap opens pink gym bag



/Pembry rubs temples

Pembry: How can you be so rich and so dumb?

Gap: Jesus?

/Pembry slaps pills out of Gap's hand

Stop fucking taking those and let's go fuck-start Bilbo's face!



Pembry: Hey, the more I think about it, them more I'm sure of it: I hate Art Garfunkel. Simon is and always will be where it's at. What a fool I've been for all these years. Hey, we're here!



Pembry: You see that shit? You gonna stand there and let that little buttonsing fuck take your place, beat your ass, trash your car, and probably fuck Kelly Lynch?



Gap: Nobody fucks Kell- er...beats my ass. BILBO!



Bilbo: I'm going to need to see some ID sir.

Gap: Fu- what?

Bilbo: This is a bar, 21 and over. You and your pretty date have to be over the age of 21 to enter.



Pembry: I'm not his fucking date, bilbo!

Bilbo: Ma'am, be that as it may, this establishment is 21 and over only. We do have an under 21 night on Tuesdays. We serve soda water and play John Huges movies on the overhead projector. The kids really seem to love it. Now, if you don't have a valid ID, I cannot allow you in, but you're more than welcome to return on Tuesday.

Pembry: Listen you fucking dickhead, I'm going to pou-

Gap: I don't have my ID.

Bilbo: Then good evening.

/Bilbo closes door



Pembry: Oh my fucking GOD! What are we doing!?

Gap: You heard him, we need our IDs. I think mine is over at Kelly's.

Pembry: You don't need your fucking ID if you're going to a bar to kill the owner and reclaim it as your own!

/Gap slams on breaks

Gap: Oh yeah.

/Gap does 180




Bilbo: You kids again.

Gap: Prepare for the death of a lifetime, you fuck!

Bilbo: Hang on a sec.



Bilbo: You smell that? That's Kelly Lynch's doo doo butter.

Gap: You are such an asshole!

/Gap rips off shirt



Bilbo: I used to fuck guys like you at Penn State football camp!





Pembry(hanging up "Bilbo's Place" signs): Hey, you got him!

Gap: Yeah, now if you'll excuse me.



Gap: Is Bilbo's dick bigger than mine?

Road Thrust

Gap: Damn, lotta hot muff in here. What a great idea to open this bar. I had my doubts, but I really am a genius, and watching Road House fifty times really sold me.

/random fights start breaking out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zW4BpYv2y7s&feature=fvst)

Gap: Great, now the hot muff is going to leave. I gotta clean this place up. I need a

/makes air quotes

Gap: Cooler. Well, I know just where the best one in the whole world is!

/10 seconds later



Gap: Alright guys, now remember the three rules of bouncing:

1: It's okay to punch women
2. Fight in teams.
3. Biting is not only permitted, it is encouraged.

Gap: Now let's clean my lovely bar up!

/Gap and bouncers start mercilessly pounding patrons.



Gap: Awesome job men!

(door flies open)



Gap: Sorry, bar's closed.

Bilbo: Then what are all these people doing here?

Gap: There's nobody here...it's literally empty with the exception of my bouncers and you.

Bilbo: I just wanna have a good time.

/bilbo starts gyrating

Gap: You're too stupid to have a good time!



/Gap gets put down by Bilbo

(Back at WT HQ)



Gap: Holy shit, that fucking hurt. I'm gonna need some help if I want to get my bar back from that shithead.

/Gap picks up red phone



Pembry: Damn dude, bilbo beat your ass AND fucked up your car?

Gap: Look, I was hungover...he caught me by surprise. Fuck you! Just give me a hand in killing him.

Pembry: Ok, but we're going in the opposite direction of your bar, or should I say Bilbo's bar.

Gap: Shut up, and I have to stop somewhere quickly...Just wait in the car.



(23 seconds later)



Pembry: So, um, were you just in there fucking Kelly Lynch?

Gap: What?! No.

Pembry: Look, I could see you. It was Kelly Lynch. You had all the barn doors open and you kept yelling her name.

Gap: Uhhh...

Pembry: Shouldn't you have been banging Viv or something? I mean, she is your fiance, seems to me like a clear cut case of infidelity. Also, we're still not heading to your bar.

Gap: We're going to the gym to get a lift in...Also, shut up about Kelly Lynch fucking! You're not even sure what you saw, what with your bad vision and new glasses!

/at gym

Pembry: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Kelly Lynch.

/Gap swings and Pembry catches his fist



Pembry: It was totally Kelly Lynch.

Dear New Madden,

This guy sucks:



Also, your new roster update has made the 49ers unbeatable. I first found out when I went to play Madden online. The guy picked the 9ers and I picked the Texans. I thought it was fair until the first snap of the ball. He blew the doors off me until I threw the remote and held the power button in on the PS3. I know, I'm a really good sport.

Anyway, the fucking 9ers aren't that great. Making Alex Smith really good and Vernon Davis unstoppable is stupid. Brady and Gronk should be the players with that ability...because they're going to the Super Bowl this year and all they had to do was beat Tebow and Flacco. How the fuck is that fair? Could they get any luckier? They already have three fucking Super Bowls...maybe make it a little harder? Go fucking die. I don't care what Bilbo says, I'm driving to his house and punching his head from his body when NE wins the SB this year. So, enjoy those 7-10 seconds after NE wins, because your life will be abruptly ended...and don't worry, you wife and child shall meet you in the afterlife.

/pulls out sword

No, I will not give you a clean death.

Love,

Gap

Neat! A Tuesday Post!

New album, Tribes - Baby

Me like. New to me, very good. Like, VERY good. Especially "Half Way Home" which I was unable to find a video for. Have at me in the comments.