Ask Gap Theory

Dear Jim Pembry,

  I fucking told you! I fucking told you not to watch that shit! Now look at you. Netflix has fucked you good. Sadly there is no easy way to clear your Netflix history. You'll just have to open a bunch of movies until it clears out that horrible movie from your history.

Let this be a lesson to you. When you want to watch movies that will make other people judge you in a harsh light, don't use Netflix. Just rent them from your cable provider, or buy them on the (pay someone to make them. WINK!) black market, masturbate to them once and put them in a safe in your office. Then, when you die, it's your wife's problem. Hopefully that old bitch won't be so appalled that she calls Nic Cage and has him do a full-on investigation into the authenticity of said film. That'll just end up getting a few good men killed. Do you want that on your dead conscience? I didn't think so.

Love,
 
  Gap

If I may be serious for a moment.

/pointing to self

See? This is my serious face.

Now, I've read some pretty hurtful things about notorious whore and drug addict, Scarlett Johansson.

I think everyone is being a little too hard on her. I mean, so what if she's got a little bit of blubber on her legs and ass? I'd still pound her for days on end. Until I died of dehydration. I can't help it, I'm just passionate.

You know she fucked Benicio Del Toro in an elevator once? Yeah, total whore. You need these women feeling good! They get depressed and they stop elevator fucking. Do you want her to stop elevator fucking? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Just because she's rich and conceited doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. And those feelings have been hurt. I think thesuperficial.com and wwtdd.com owe this cum-guzzling, Ryan Reynolds divorcing cunt an apology.

/adjusts scarf

we're waiting...

This is the end.

BTjunkie shutting down and Piratebay about to be shut down marks the end of file sharing as we know it. This is the saddest shit that ever sadded. Part of me is dead...the part that liked stuff for free. Now I have to get fucking HBO and rent movies online. Netflix is a worthless pile of cocks, so I'll be canceling that, despite Viv's protest.

Get ready, because this is just the beginning.