Re: True Blood

Gap don't read below the jump, it contains spoilers you HBO stealin' sumbitch.




For the last couple of seasons, I was like this re: True Blood:



But then last night...

Ladies and gentle, Mr. RUSSELL MOTHERFUCKING EDGINGTON!!!



 

 

 



 

Brought Reviews...

So last night was the premiere of Newsroom on HBO. Obviously, the highlight here is that Aaron Sorkin returns to television after adapting the Social Network. He's the biggest name on Newsroom's ticket despite the presence of Jeff Daniels and Sam Waterston. In short? Newsroom has the capacity to be very good, maybe even great. But that's no fun, so here's the long version...

The pilot episode is not all that different from his pilot of Studio 60... (had that show aired on HBO, it would probably still be on. It was fantastic.) where a key figure melts down and the audience will go through the rebuilding process in the aftermath. Jeff Daniels hits the ground running. He's terrific as the lead. It's the surrounding cast that made the pilot feel empty. You immediately know you're supposed to root for Dev Patel. You know you're immediately supposed to hate Don, the overly ambitious dickhead Columbia grad. Unfortunately, Sorkin doesn't take the time to make these characters multi-dimensional just yet. Sam Waterston is the grandfather figure you HAVE to love because of his fun quirks, but there are a couple of instances where he tries to yell that will make you laugh when you're not really supposed to. His voice cracks like a pubescent boy. The current verdict on the rest of the cast is pretty open-ended as most haven't had enough screen time for me to form any opinion on.

Like I said above, Newsroom has the capacity to be very good. Maybe even excellent. But it will require Sorkin to occasionally lay the narrative to the side in order to provide depth to the characters outside of Daniels and Waterston.  If not, this show is going to end up feeling pretty empty.

/spits out Dornish wine

Fine, so the zombie virus has now reached our doorstep.  I am still not that scared of those slow, dumb motherfuckers.  It's not like they have some ancient demonic enemy directing them, some nearly unstoppable force that lied dormant for thousands of years and has now awoken to destroy the word of men.  Because I mean yeah if that was the case then we would be totally fucked.

(door flies open)

/cries

/throws lot in with robots

Advice Time With Jim Pembry

Miley, if you do that with your hand there is virtually no chance you will be featured on a skit again.  You aren't a JB anymore, so you can't get by just riding a pink bike and showing a smidgeon of cleavage.

 

No Becky, you keep doing EXACTLY what it is you are doing. 

 Work on those tans you effeminate prima donnas.  Raptors like their meat Pittsburgh style.

Dear Game of Thrones, I love you as a show but every time you have parted ways with the books I think it has been a really bad decision.

  

Wait... who is this?  She isn't in the books!  What did I just say...

OK, I'll hear you out....

 

 

/spits out  Dornish wine

 

 ALL HAIL THE QUEEN OF THE NORTH!

OMGOMOMGOMG!

/puts on Hipster glasses

Game of Thrones has been great this season but this season the show is a pale imitation of the second book.

The ways that the show has diverged from the books so far this season have all been terrible decisions in my expert opinion.  No, HBO is only allowed to diverge from a novel when the novels are about vampires and sort of romancy and gay...


When last we covered Viv's favorite show, True Blood...



And now...



/prays to the Old Gods and the New that Tara is actually dead

Stabler vs. Russell Edgington!?!

/takes of pants and waits in front of TV

Game of Thrones?

Sorry I have never seen that show.

Warning, do not read the article linked above unless you saw last week's Game of Thrones. Also don't read it if you never saw the movie American Psycho. Or read the book. Actually if you are like me and just saw the movie American Psycho but never read the book, you will be fine.

And if you have seen last week's episode, and therefore can and now have read that article, allow me to  retort.

Comparing Game of Thrones to American Psycho is an insult to George R. R. Martin.  The show is based on an amazing series of books, A Song of Ice and Fire.  The series features many sadistic characters and numerous horrifying and disgusting scenes depicting extreme violence.  But it has a point.  Martin is challenging the entire fantasy genre, pretty much defined by J.R.R. Tolkien (side note: why do both of those assholes have "R.R." as middle names?).  Martin isn't telling your traditional good vs. evil, black and white, standard fantasy story.  Rather, he is created a world featuring wealthy and powerful noble families, none of them completely good or completely evil.  They are waging a war not to "save the realm" from some unspeakable evil, rather they are all driven by their own power hungry ambition to defeat each other and reign supreme.    And in the process, they inflict horrible atrocities on each other and cause unending suffering on all of the peasant folk. 

American Psycho?  Bret Easton Ellison is a no-talent ass clown.  I just watched the movie Human Centipede 2 this weekend, and I turned it off, not because of the horrifying and disgusting scenes it portrayed, but because it was just so bad.  There was simply nothing entertaining about it.  Tom 6 is a complete hack who does not know how to tell a story and he tried to make his piece of garbage a story by throwing in some extremely graphic, disgusting, and extreme violence.  But the shock value doesn't get the viewer past the fact that the movie is a complete waste of time.  Which is exactly what Bret Easton Ellison's American Psycho is.  "Let's describe a bunch of whores getting brutally murdered and then list in exquisite detail the attire a character is reading, this is so edgy, I am such a great author."  The only difference between Ellis and Tom 6 is apparently Ellis had a Saks Fifth Avenue catalog lying around his apartment when he wrote his piece of garbage.

George R.R. Martin's work has redefined a genre and he will go gown as one of the great authors of our generation.  No one will remember Bret Easton Ellis in 25 years.

Gap Guesses

With the wonderful Game of Thrones approaching, I will now make some bold predictions about what I think will happen in the second season.


1. Ned Stark isn't really dead. Sure, they may have cut his head off, but did they actually show it? Eh?

2. Joffrey Baratheon is actually an elegant woman and master swordsman who will kill Princess Daenerys Targaryen's baby dragons.

3. The Mad King wasn't actually a king.

4. Tyrion Lannister cums hundred dollar bills. He then proceeds to drink that money away and fuck whores.

5. Lysa Arryn's tits will still be getting sucked, but not by her son.

6. Sansa Stark will continue to give me a massive shame boner.

7. Jon Snow will continue to be a huge disappointment to his not dead dad.

8. Arya Stark will finally be unmasked as Bran Stark.

9. I'll watch 300 and JO really hard to the thought of Lena Headey and I getting caught fucking by a little boy. Then I'll go push a little boy out of some random tower.

10. Jaime Lannister will begin a really hot love affair with Catelyn Stark.

11. Khal Drogo's corpse will come back to life and make a horrible remake of Total Recall.

12. Sandor Clegane will finally being wearing a gimp mask full-time.

13. Tywin Lannister will forget where he parked his penis. Then he'll remember he left it in Catelyn Stark's ass.

14. Renly Baratheon will finally start correctly stimulating the prostate.

15. Robb Stark will help his not dead dad look for White Walkers. They won't find any.

Brought Reviews TV

Last night HBO aired the highly anticipated premiere of Life is Short. I was so excited for this show that I complained Sunday was moving too slow. So now let's review, without giving away anything of value that Gap will get upset about me spoiling. He's a lady like that.

At this point everyone has seen the Liam Neeson and Johnny Depp clips that have circled the interwebs. I believe Jimbo even posted the Neeson one on here somewhere. Those are just tiny excerpts from another unbelievably good show from Ricky Gervais.

Taking notes from both of his other hit shows, Gervais follows Warwick Davis (Willow, Ewok, HP movies) in mockumentary style as he wades through show business. It is painfully uncomfortable at times, which like The Office, is where the show pulls its humor. The lead is completely non-self-aware (just like David Brent and Andy Millman) and his interpersonal relations are pitch perfect.

Gervais obviously knows he found a formula that works and is just reworking The Office into different lifestyles, but it works every time. This show is top notch and immediately moved into must-see on my tv schedule. No DVR for you my little friend. I'll be watching you brand new every Sunday night at 10:30.

Oh, and just for kicks, Eastbound and Down still has it's fastball (pun intended) and my sweet sweet mancrush Jason Sudeikis joined the cast this season. Fuck yeah!

A show for hoofers, about hoofers.

HBO's Luck seems promising. I've watched the pilot and I think it will do fine as a distraction until Game of Thrones and Boardwalk Empire come back into my life. I LOVE YOU, JIMMY!


Anyway, Luck takes a look into the seedy underbelly of horse racing. There's a lot of midgets and hoofer euthanasia. It's fantastic.


I actually first heard about the show from Turd. He loves Michael Mann and Mann directed the pilot, so Turd just had to watch it and scream about how good the directing is. I cannot tell you how many times Turd made me watch Miami Vice...it was annoying because that movie is pretty lame. Maybe if Colin hung dong it would've been better.