That's a lame con, Joey.

Now THIS takes skill!

They're actually making a movie about this very thing. Compliance is gonna be a boner-a-minute thrill-ride!

I know it's hard to believe that so many women could be tricked into blowing a guy, getting strip-searched, and fondling another coworker. But, let's review what we know about women:

1. They're gullible
2. They're real slutty
3. They secretly want to be told what to do.
4. They refuse to hang up a phone even when they're talking to a psycho.
and
5. They have cool body parts.

Case in point!

LOVE YOUR WORK!

/Immediately Sets DVR

Yes please.

Gap's Penis is Happy

God I love children of Hollywood. Get slutty!

Goofy Girls Gap Gravitates...Gowards?

Florence Welch! Oh yeah, me so horny! Look at you, trying sooooo hard to act like you don't care what people think. Bilbo and I had a lovely conversation over the weekend about chicks like this. Some hot hipster chick walked by us and it sparked the conversation. Basically we came to the conclusion that chicks like that have perfectly manicured front AND backsides. It's all such a perfectly orchestrated look. They're just as fake as the chicks with huge fake tits and fake tans. They're just trying to attract a different type of man. If you ladies really didn't care, you'd have unkempt bushes and you wouldn't be spending $300 on those hipster glasses. Just be honest. Don't dismiss Bilbo and I so quickly when we walk up and ask to see what your asshole looks like. We're just giving you the attention you so desperately crave. Now tits or GTFO!

Goofy Girls Gap Gravitates Gowards?

Disclaimer: NSFW.

Oh Chloe, you hipster, I love you. I've loved you since you did KIDS. Your scenes made me all bonery. Remember when you got the HIV in it? I'm glad that didn't happen for real. Your damn near constantly nude body would be all shriveled and dead. I mean, I'd still try to have sex with it, but it wouldn't be the same.

Here's a quote from her: "I think it's sexy to be a little bit mysterious."

I couldn't agree more, that's why I wear a ski mask when I rape.

Whoa, so you apparently fell in high heels and knocked out four teeth? That's fascinating. Jimbo actually knocked out some of his chompers falling on a treadmill at my house. He was supposed to be babysitting my little brother and sister, but I guess he just couldn't resist hopping on our family treadmill and killing it.

[funny story redacted]

Chloe, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want to eat your ass.

Love,

Gap

Ode to the Body Pillow

Perhaps one of the single greatest inventions of all-time, the body pillow has revolutionized wet dreaming as we know it.

Before body pillows, men would grind their boners into their thighs, lady friends, or their mattress. None of which really helped the wet dream. Thankfully, body pillows provided the answer to that problem.

I can't tell you how many times I've woken up mid-thrust with my body pillow securely gripped between my legs. Sure, my night's sleep has been ruined by my over active dreaming, but it was worth it. Fast as I could, I'd try to fall back asleep, hoping to pick up where I left off. Most of the time I ended up just having a nightmare, but it's nice to know old body pillow was there. Ready.