Speaking of boners

I was unaware that Lolo Jones is a virgin.

How can this be? She's fucking hot.

Are you religious? Actually a dude? I've modified a lovely meme to help explain why I think she's still not giving it up.

That's right! Get in here Fassbender, we gotta get that hot lady's vag opened up for business.




They sure do, David, they sure do.

/chugs champagne

Gap blew some money (and not on hookers this time!)

Yesterday I went out and bought a pair of Nike Free Trainer 5.0's.

Typically I always bought running shoes and used them as my workout pair too. Needless to say, I've run through them like Bilbos running through 4 year olds at a Chuck E. Cheese.

I'm really hoping these babies hold up. I hate it when my shoes start to literally fall off my feet after a few months of wear. I'm not a big fan of Nike. I used to hate their running shoes, but these have gotten such glowing reviews, I figured I'd give those jerks another chance.

I used them yesterday and was very impressed. They do take some getting used to as the lacing system literally is a glove that wraps around your foot. When I first laced them up, I went balls-out and pretty much cut the circulation to my feet off. You really have to back off the amount of pressure you put on the laces when you're drawing them up. Once they're on, it feels like the shoe is wrapped around your foot. Just lovely. I was actually only in the gym, so I didn't get to really go nuts, but they provided excellent stability.

GOD I HOPE THEY HOLD UP, THEY WERE SO EXPENSIVE!

Monday Morning Thoughts

Oh. My. God. I'm fucking sad. There is nothing quite as shitty as that Monday drive into work. You're on the highway and just for a moment you debate about whether or not you should just keep driving. Head North, start a new life. Maybe on  a nature preserve. Work with your hands and build a little log cabin. Fish out of the nearby stream. Some days you go down to fetch water from the creek and you see a hawk soaring above. You don't even miss TV anymore. You grow a beard and your muscles tighten over the months of work. You spend hours chopping wood in preparation for the coming winter months. Everything is so alive out here, you don't even know how you managed to live in society.

Then you snap out of your daydream and you're in a Starbucks. You're being waited on my a tight piece of 18 year old ass and you remember now why you live here. Tight butts. "One decaf grande, Miss!"

Gap's Penis is Happy

God I love children of Hollywood. Get slutty!

Goofy Girls Gap Gravitates Gowards?

Disclaimer: NSFW.

Oh Chloe, you hipster, I love you. I've loved you since you did KIDS. Your scenes made me all bonery. Remember when you got the HIV in it? I'm glad that didn't happen for real. Your damn near constantly nude body would be all shriveled and dead. I mean, I'd still try to have sex with it, but it wouldn't be the same.

Here's a quote from her: "I think it's sexy to be a little bit mysterious."

I couldn't agree more, that's why I wear a ski mask when I rape.

Whoa, so you apparently fell in high heels and knocked out four teeth? That's fascinating. Jimbo actually knocked out some of his chompers falling on a treadmill at my house. He was supposed to be babysitting my little brother and sister, but I guess he just couldn't resist hopping on our family treadmill and killing it.

[funny story redacted]

Chloe, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want to eat your ass.

Love,

Gap

Ode to the Body Pillow

Perhaps one of the single greatest inventions of all-time, the body pillow has revolutionized wet dreaming as we know it.

Before body pillows, men would grind their boners into their thighs, lady friends, or their mattress. None of which really helped the wet dream. Thankfully, body pillows provided the answer to that problem.

I can't tell you how many times I've woken up mid-thrust with my body pillow securely gripped between my legs. Sure, my night's sleep has been ruined by my over active dreaming, but it was worth it. Fast as I could, I'd try to fall back asleep, hoping to pick up where I left off. Most of the time I ended up just having a nightmare, but it's nice to know old body pillow was there. Ready.